Is she an avoident partner?

[Jammyjimjam]

Sorry if this long. I'm trying to work out if my partner is an avoident type and get a bit of advice on what I should do.

I 38M met my partner 30F 10 years ago. At the start of the relationship I would say my partner was obsessed with me, wanting to spend every minute with me and constantly cuddling/kissing me. I won't lie, i loved it. This went on for about 3 years and we were doing great.

Then we had a little girl and this is when a lot of problems started to develop I think. Getting slightly worse as the years went on. My little one is 6 now.

For years I've felt lonely in this relationship and many times throughout I would mention this and things would be better for a day or two but then go back to how it was. I would start smoking weed for months because with weed I'm "fine" with being alone, I don't seem to care but then i have to quit (as long term weed isn't good for me) and then I go back to square one with feeling alone in the relationship.
These are the things that bother me and make me feel alone.

I have a job where i work alone all day and i really look forward to coming home and seeing my partner. But things started becoming worse. I'd come home (5pm) and my partner doesn't bother with me. She feels like she has to do all the chores in the house first and make sure our little one is in bed. Her bed time is 8pm. This is when my partner will come sit with me and from 8pm until 9pm this is "our" time. But even then she'll happily just sit on her phone on Facebook or whatever.

Now I used to come home and I'd make the first move by giving her a cuddle and saying ive missed you today but every time I can feel her wanting to pull away its hard to describe, but I know she's wanting to get back to what she's doing and all I want is acknowledgement that im here, just 5 minutes then she can get back to whatever. Ive stopped doing this now. Even if there's nothing for her to do i watch her just wondering around the house or even sitting on the bed upstairs on her phone (in my head to pass the time until 8pm?).

Another thing is sex. She will NEVER initiate sex UNLESS she's had alcohol. Ive always been the one to initiate. Ive tested this before and found if I don't bother to initiate then we won't ever have sex and this went on for months. If I do initiate, most of the time she seems to enjoy the sex but the whole situation does make me feel unattractive.

Since last year she's started exercising to lose weight (she wasn't overweight just a little fat on her tummy) and she lost the weight over time. Now that she's skinny as a lamp post and IMO lost all her natural shape which I loved. She still exercises in the morning as soon as she wakes (no more quick kiss or cuddle upon waking) and then when she gets home from work she will exercise again. Then she will sit on her phone and input all shes ate and calorie count. I find this strange when she has a figure that most people would die for.

Another thing ive noticed is she has NEVER EVER in our relationship suggested going out on a date night. Like cinema, going for drinks etc. It's ALWAYS me and when I ask she hesitates but then usually says OK yes. If i don't ask her she will never ask me and we won't ever do anything together as a couple (like a date night).
The only times she suggests to do things is to go for walks (she counts her steps and needs to reach a goal each eay) or doing something as a family which most likely involves walking... which I'm fine with.

It seems like if I don't make an effort on anything in this relationship then nothing happens. No sex, no closeness. Just feeling alone. I'm sick of going back to weed to not care because when I come off it all these emotions come flooding back intensely.

Am I asking for too much? Am I being silly? Is she an avoident partner? Should I start mirroring her actions by keeping myself busy constantly with things outside the house. Will she start to miss me if I avoid her? I don't know what to do anymore. But I do love her with all my heart!

Do you ever do anything around the home to help her?

We take turns cooking. I wash dishes. I put washing in and so does she but she hangs it up. She hoovers and dusts as I have asthma. I cut the grass outside, wash the cars etc.

Forgot to mention she'll hoover the house almost every single day soon as coming home from work

OP - my ex partner was a self admitted avoidant and your partner doesn’t strike me as one in what you are saying.

It’s either she has completely checked out of your relationship which happens or she is resenting you for whatever reasons.

Id really suggest sitting down and trying to talk about it or couples counselling.

But I’m going to say no to avoidant.

Not avoidant...

What are her opinions on the weed usage?

Is she handeling everything for your child?

Did she have Postnatal depression?

It feels more like she resents you for something, and to be honest having a child changes things. After my first, to be honest its a damn miracle that there was a second as my already questionable desire for sex took a hike, and never really came back.

Personally if my other half was smoking weed, I wouldnt want anything to do with them

Writing paragraphs about stuff you don't like about your girlfriend (another thing, another thing) and blaming her for your choice to take drugs doesn't really sound like you love her with all your heart.

Is she financially independent/owns her own property?
Why don't you dump her and co-parent your child? Having a girl/boyfriend is for enhancing your life, if neither of you are having a fun, happy time there's no point.

@ClosetBasketCase is a woman still post-natal when the kid is 6?

If my partner went through phases of smoking weed daily I wouldnt be very happy! I would say most women check out when their partner stops putting effort in…

Not a single mention of your child and caring for them?
Weed is a bigger problem for the asthma than vacuuming, surely

I've not mentioned my child because its not the topic I'm talking about. If you want to know, my child prefers me over my partner because she screams at her a lot (its her way of giving her wrong) and I'm more calm. Every morning she runs into my bed and plays a game she made up called "racoon" which is us hiding under the blanket playing games. I take her to the park a lot and I actually play tag, hide and seek, running about like a kid unlike a lot of parents my age do.

Anyway back to my relationship. I can understand you lot not liking weed and saying you wouldn't be with someone that does it. The thing is, she met me when I was smoking weed. Our first few years i was smoking weed and she never had a problem, she even tried it a couple of times. Please take out the idea of me being lazy because of weed and zonking out all the time its the opposite for me, on the outside nobody really knows I'm high, I'm just more happier i guess that's the only difference.

I stopped the weed for a year when things started to die down in the relationship to try work on my self and noticed things just getting worse. So I started going back to it knowing that if i was smoking it, the feelings of loneliness wouldn't bother me.

We do sit down and the weird thing is she tells me she loves me and wants to get married which we've put off due to wanting to be married abroad but her parents finding it hard to get the right time off etc etc. So she tells me that she wants to be with me and all that but doesn't really show it.

I'm not sure where the comment of not putting the effort in came from because I feel that's the only thing ive ever done. I'm just trying to understand, hence the reason I'm seeking advice from women.

And again, I don't blame her for smoking weed. I choose to return to smoking weed to help me cope with the loneliness. ATM I'm not using it.

I don't actually smoke it i eat it (edibles) I'm just saying smoking for ease incase folk didn't know what edibles were.

Instead of coming in for a hug, roll upyour sleeves up, muck in, clean up, show her that you care for her needs.

You'd be a bit full on for me, you come across as only interested in how you should be treated, DH loves a hug but if he bugging me for affection instead of sorting out his self esteem, I'd be unhappy to see him too.

Saw update: you're both stoners too, that causes a heap of issues, users like to be isolated, poor kid. Mammy moods.

It all sounds to me like she’s tired because kids do that to you, especially as the primary care giver. You’re tired after work but you’re relieved because you’re home, and expect a welcome and that’s fair enough, she’s thinking ‘oh god another three hours before I can relax and I’ve been running about all day in this same place. At what point would you have the energy to say ‘oh let’s get dressed up and go out?’ and yes women love sex but their bodies crave sleep, rest and comfort a lot more than men. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you it’s just life is bloody hard!!!!

Please read it properly. I said she tried it a few times at the start of the relationship. Trying something doesn't make someone a stoner. She doesn't like it therfore doesn't use it. Judgemental slightly.

Do you ever put the child to bed? It can be draining too.
You're not compatible anymore, the longterm weed kills all motivation, believe me, I know.
You should join a beat weed group, marajuna anonymous,you'll be lots of like minded people who are tired living as and with a weed addicts, go live your life.
Your daughter will benefit from it too.

She sounds more OCD than avoidant- with the constant hoovering, weight monitoring and needing to complete tasks. If you want to keep this relationship you need couples counselling.

Oh my apologies. I thought that her moods at the child was weed related.

I think you lot are thinking too much into it. A cuddle or some sort of acknowledgement that ive missed you, a quick kiss isn't much to ask. How longs a cuddle? 30 20 seconds? And then everyone goes back to what they are doing? I pick her up from work every day and take her home. I then put the tea on whilst she hoovers (which is everu single day even when the floor is spotless). I then play with our child whilst she exercises then we eat. I wash up and then until 8pm which is little ones bed time she will wonder around even just playing on her phone.

Weekends is slightly different we do spend time as a family. And also, I don't expect for her to do things as a couple every day after work etc. This is once every few weeks kinda thing when we can arrange a baby sitter (which is easy for us to arrange) on a Saturday. What im saying is she never ever mentions let's go cinema or a night out for drinks its only me and when I mention it, it does happen but I feel because its only me that shes not interested and ive tested the water by not asking at all and noticed we didn't do anything as a couple for 6 month.

I'm very active on weed. I have an extremely active job too so constantly active. I run around with my kid all the time and when I'm high I love hiking ( we both love hiking we holiday to the alps regularly for this)

I'm opposite to most people on weed, and I'm currently not using it BTW. The weed isn't a problem in the relationship we met with me using it.

Yes I put her to bed but I'd say she does it more than me as little one prefers that.

She hoovers and dusts because YOU have asthma. That must be fun for her.

Why don't you do it if it's you who has a medical reason to require it?

Oh my goodness, I was busy reading all that i.e. mother doing this that and the next thing with / for the child / home until the 8 pm bedtime
then I read
that she works !!!

but you seem to expect lots of attention from her whilst she is busy - doing all the hoovering etc because you are allergic.

Exactly when are you taking the child to the park - when you get in from work
or
at a weekend

I'd like to add that she has had a bad childhood experience where her grandfather abused her for years. She never told anyone in her life until a few years into our relationship. She never told any of her ex's, friends or family until me one day. Since then I did everything to be there for her. She hides her feelings and I think its because of that. She's very hard faced and doesn't really support me when I'm feeling emotional (like when I lost my dog or my mum had cancer). I asked her if she wanted to take it to the police and tell her parents about it. I never pushed her into anything anything and made sure that it was 100% her choice. She said yes I want to tell people and I supported her the whole way through. Unfortunately some of her family went against her (not her parents) and when it went to court her grandfather was let off due to being too old and with health conditions but was told she'd receive thousands for what she went through (she refused the money)

Her sister went through the same thing and she only came out when my partner did.

I know some of it will be due to her past. I'm just trying to understand and figure out what my best moves are so I'm not feeling alone all the time because it takes two for a relationship. I don't BLAME her for anything. I want this to work and so does she.

She hoovers and dusts. I cook and wash up. Wash cars, cur grass and take care of any maintenance etc. We meet half way not sure what the problem is here?

Your domestic jobs aren't split fairly, you get the easier parts of the domestic chores.
Cutting grass, washing car, a once a month job.
Putting on a wash is the easier role, then taking one out.
Has she suggested that you could help more with daily tasks.
It might not have anything to do with the above either.

I cook diner every day with fresh food and then I wash and dry the dishes. She doesn't need to hoover every day the floors are spotless it's more of a ocd thing. She dusts once a week.

Quite honestly, she sounds like a woman who is obsessively exercising in part to get some down time. You say she works as well? You admit she does the bulk of the cleaning - vacuuming, dusting, laundry hanging up (which is far more of the task than putting it in - I put most of the laundry ON in our house, but Dh's laundry tasks are far more onerous as he's the one who hangs it up, folds it up, gets it back into everyone's rooms etc).

These are the things you acknowlege.

What about:

School runs/breakfast club/after school club drops/pick ups

ENDLESS school communication - is she the one on the class whats app group, receiving the school emails and remembering mufti day, to bring a botttle for the tombola, organising teacher gifts, booking parent evenings, organising packed lunches or school dinners, paying for school activities, checking book bags, buying uniform, ensuring uniform is clean and ready for wear, applying suncscreen, chasing teeth brushing, packing water bottles, buying and applying labels. Not to mention the social aspect - organising playdates, being friendly with other parents as needed to support your child, attending playdates, hosting playdates, organising food for playdates....

You do half the cooking, great. Who does the meal planning and the shopping, who makes sure there's bread and milk? does your 6 year old eat with you or does she require an earlier/different meal - who does that if so? Who is doing breafast, and tidying up from breakfast, preparing meals and snacks on weekends?

Who stays home when the child is sick?

Is she constantly ON for other people - fetching, carrying, workign?

Becuase whiel I get it - you just want some acknowledgement, you know what makes ME want to hug my husband and initiate sex with him? when I come in from work and the house is clean and tidy and dinner is cooked. When he gets up in the morning and does the vacuuming so I don't have to. When the pile of laundry is done and put away. When he tells me he's popping to the shop and is buying x, y, z and is there anything else I think we need.