Is she an avoident partner?

[Jammyjimjam]

Sorry if this long. I'm trying to work out if my partner is an avoident type and get a bit of advice on what I should do.

I 38M met my partner 30F 10 years ago. At the start of the relationship I would say my partner was obsessed with me, wanting to spend every minute with me and constantly cuddling/kissing me. I won't lie, i loved it. This went on for about 3 years and we were doing great.

Then we had a little girl and this is when a lot of problems started to develop I think. Getting slightly worse as the years went on. My little one is 6 now.

For years I've felt lonely in this relationship and many times throughout I would mention this and things would be better for a day or two but then go back to how it was. I would start smoking weed for months because with weed I'm "fine" with being alone, I don't seem to care but then i have to quit (as long term weed isn't good for me) and then I go back to square one with feeling alone in the relationship.
These are the things that bother me and make me feel alone.

I have a job where i work alone all day and i really look forward to coming home and seeing my partner. But things started becoming worse. I'd come home (5pm) and my partner doesn't bother with me. She feels like she has to do all the chores in the house first and make sure our little one is in bed. Her bed time is 8pm. This is when my partner will come sit with me and from 8pm until 9pm this is "our" time. But even then she'll happily just sit on her phone on Facebook or whatever.

Now I used to come home and I'd make the first move by giving her a cuddle and saying ive missed you today but every time I can feel her wanting to pull away its hard to describe, but I know she's wanting to get back to what she's doing and all I want is acknowledgement that im here, just 5 minutes then she can get back to whatever. Ive stopped doing this now. Even if there's nothing for her to do i watch her just wondering around the house or even sitting on the bed upstairs on her phone (in my head to pass the time until 8pm?).

Another thing is sex. She will NEVER initiate sex UNLESS she's had alcohol. Ive always been the one to initiate. Ive tested this before and found if I don't bother to initiate then we won't ever have sex and this went on for months. If I do initiate, most of the time she seems to enjoy the sex but the whole situation does make me feel unattractive.

Since last year she's started exercising to lose weight (she wasn't overweight just a little fat on her tummy) and she lost the weight over time. Now that she's skinny as a lamp post and IMO lost all her natural shape which I loved. She still exercises in the morning as soon as she wakes (no more quick kiss or cuddle upon waking) and then when she gets home from work she will exercise again. Then she will sit on her phone and input all shes ate and calorie count. I find this strange when she has a figure that most people would die for.

Another thing ive noticed is she has NEVER EVER in our relationship suggested going out on a date night. Like cinema, going for drinks etc. It's ALWAYS me and when I ask she hesitates but then usually says OK yes. If i don't ask her she will never ask me and we won't ever do anything together as a couple (like a date night).
The only times she suggests to do things is to go for walks (she counts her steps and needs to reach a goal each eay) or doing something as a family which most likely involves walking... which I'm fine with.

It seems like if I don't make an effort on anything in this relationship then nothing happens. No sex, no closeness. Just feeling alone. I'm sick of going back to weed to not care because when I come off it all these emotions come flooding back intensely.

Am I asking for too much? Am I being silly? Is she an avoident partner? Should I start mirroring her actions by keeping myself busy constantly with things outside the house. Will she start to miss me if I avoid her? I don't know what to do anymore. But I do love her with all my heart!

Dd prefers you yet prefers oh putting her to bed?

You both sound incompatible now. I don't think oh is in love with you ?

From your SECOND post:

We take turns cooking.

Which is it? Funny how the effort you put in is getting more with everypost.

You seem like you want a lot. A clean house for you coming home?

I take my partner to work in morning then drop little one off at school. Then I pick them both up after ive been to work. I don't get a chance to do anything after work other than pick them up. I bath little one, make sure she brushes teeth etc. I'm the only one that plays with our child, the only one that has a proper emotional attachment. Little one knows she wpnt get hugs off her mum she comes to me for that. She grabs a blanket and crawls in my arms and chooses a family film for us to watch. She asks mum to join but she has no interest and plays on phone upstairs or exercises. Me and the child are 100% connected, she doesn't get that from mum, only on rare occasions.

When my partner has alcohol This when she plays with little one and actually laughs and wants sex. She only drinks when we do it together though every other Saturday.

She doesn’t like you and I don’t blame her

your post is entirely about yourself and what you want her to do for you. She does not exist to please you.

She prefers my partner putting her to bed because shes her mother, she still loves her!!!! Not sure what im ment to say to that. I cant help that shed rather come to me to play or watch a movie or just snuggle together because her mum doesn't do it. But she still loves her and wants to be told good night from her lasy thing before bed.

You don't think my partner loves me? She says she does. So shes playing games?

You seem like you want a lot. A clean house for you coming home?

And herein lies the problem. If you're both at work all day, then of course that's not reasonable, but it's not unreasonable that if DH is at home, that when I come home, the house isn't a tip. And the fact that you think it is, is concerning.

But here's the real issue - all this whining about your wife not connecting with you and not having sex with you and then you claim: I'm the only one that plays with our child, the only one that has a proper emotional attachment. Little one knows she wpnt get hugs off her mum she comes to me for that.

Becuase if this is true, then quite frnakly, who cares that you aren't getting sex and hugs? why the F aren't you prioritising your CHILD's care?

But then, I notice, you haven't responded to any of the other things I asked about - do you even know that all those things have to happen? And the fact that your child wants mum to do bed time tells me that her connection with her child is just fine. You're the fun dad though so that makes sense. I don't like movies so my children go to DH for that. Doesn't mean they'r enot connected to me.

Does she say I love you without being prompted? Also words aren't as important as actions. Only you know if she's showing warmth and love towards you. From what you've written doesn't sound like it?

Thanks for all the responses I'm very glad I put this on here. It's made the realise that my partner isn't as bad as most other women seem to be. I think there's a reason men only reach out to other men. I don't think ive done anything wrong. I do everything for her and support her with everything. I give her space if she needs it and I'm there if she wants me. Always on her terms.

I think what I'll take from this is most women seem to be selfish and ive probably got it better than most judging from these responses. I do feel a little lucky. I'll take my problems to men 🫡

Or maybe she has higher standards. I think most tidy people dust weekly.

I feel quite sorry for her. You've posted on here for advice, haven't listened to a single thing anyone has said or even considered for one second you might have a part to play in this. Were you hoping for lots of "aaah, poor man" type posts you could then show her so she'd give you more sex and moe cuddles? And it's all backfired on you.

Go ahead and speak to other men who will probably tell you that you're a PRINCE because you cook dinner sometimes. But trust me, you'd all have happier relationships, and a lot more sex, if you were willing to at least try to see or acknowledge the 100000 things most women are carryin gin their head at all times and took some of that load.

I genuinely think that you are very different now, life is too short to be in a love-less relationship.
I hope you meet someone else and get off the weed. I understand that weed can ease loneliness and grief.
Best of luck.
Ps your update is outing. I'd ask hq to delete the post or thread.
Good luck 👍

There is some clear resentment involved here and I think it probably started with your wife feeling resentment for you, and I think it has become a case where you are both resenting each other now. You don't really have anything positive to say about her and you seem quite surprised that she isn't as enthusiastic about your presence as she was in the beginning of your relationship since, according to you, haven't really changed.

I think meeting a guy when you are in your early 20s who gets high a lot is a lot less of a concern than when you are 10 years older with a primary aged child. It would really put me off if my husband spent long periods of time being high and caring for our child. You just haven't grown out of that stage and you defend it by saying, that's how you were when you met her. Most people kick habits like like that when they become parents.

There seems to be no communication between the two of you. You are both just going through life with your own narrative playing in your heads and she seems reluctant to bring up what is bothering her. It's most likely because she is unsure of what that would lead to. She knows she doesn't enjoy your company, but she isn't ready to go at it alone yet either yet. It can be a daunting thought and she has never really had to properly live as a single adult.

Your choice is to ignore her, stay the same and hope for the best or try to force an open conversation. Tell her you can see that she is struggeling with your relationship and that you want to know what you can do. Don't ask for sex or other intimacy until you have resolved whatever it is that she is unhappy about. It will just push her further away and it will be too much pressure for her. She has dealt with a lot in her life and sometimes when there is childhood trauma that will multiply when you become a parent yourself, but it so horrible to tackle that you put it off.

I'm just trying to work out why she might have the hump with you.

I mean from what you described she sounds quite passive, but you say it was always you instigating sex, suggesting dates etc. So I think she might just be used to you playing that role as it suits her personality.

It's not uncommon for a long relationship to go from honeymoon phase to much more mundane day to day existence.

I hope you can talk if through with her, maybe in counselling? If she'd accept doing that I think that would show she wants to try and work things out and make some changes.

If she's happy as she is and refuses to try and change (you may well also need to change some of your actions or behaviours) I guess you have to think about splitting.

And this is why I choose the bear.

I know little about edibles but long-term use is surely having some kind of impact on your physical and mental health, isn't it? Even if you can't see it? Maybe she thought/hoped you'd give it up after having kids (so that you can parent and be present and also drive safely etc). Maybe she's disappointed with how her life has turned out.

of course we do, we're not all complete dinosaurs

And actually, how much you do with your child will have an impact on how your partner sees you so of course it is relevant

no, you're missing it.
By the time you get home, she's overstimulated and just wants space. It is too much to ask when you're head is full of what needs to be done and furstration that you get to go out etc and that you think she's the entire problem

Given what you disclosed about your partner's past, I'm struggling to see why you don't understand some of this....

And i've just read your last post where you say we're all selfish because we don't agree with you (yes that's what it boils down to)

Yet we have all read your attempts at justification and tried to help. We don't need to, doesn't in any way benefit a single one of us but here we are, trying.

You both sound as though you’re feeling resentful of each other. If you can’t work it out, then best separate in a civilised way.

Men are always harshly judged on here, regardless, so you might be better looking elsewhere for support. 🤷‍♀️