Ex-wife has a Drug dealing boyfriend

[FunnyPoet]

I posted this in legal section but maybe i can get suggestions here also.

Ex-Wife (we share 3 kids * DD and DSs, all under 10) has a BF of 8months or so and I found out he is a drug dealer and he keeps his money and drugs in her home as a safe place.
A few issues of concern and I need suggestions of what to do:

• She uses all the money I pay for our kids on drugs(all drunk confessions to me including a few of the below)
• He supplies the drugs
• He uses her home as drug safe
• He moved in just after 3 weeks of dating - alarm bell and it turns out he was couch-surfing beforehand as he is jobless.
• She has been using drugs along with her mother and step dad all this time and her BF provides them
• All her family hates me because I was the reason we divorced so anything I will try to bring up as a concern to them, they will say I am wrong and fight me tooth and nail.
• She has anxiety and depression and makes excuses for all this BS behaviour on this. I lived with her for 5 years and she never made such horrible decisions.
• I went into the home today after picking the kids from school as she had a medical appointment, first time going in since they got together, THE ENVIRONMENT is short of nothing but FILTH (days old bins, ben linen off the beds, no mattress covers, dirty dishes everywhere)
• I found out a month ago that my DD calls him step dad already and she saw nothing wrong with this(it's her choice apparently so she can't stop her)

WHAT DO I DO NEXT? WHAT IS MY NEXT MOVE! I have call off work all week as I type this to figure all this out and I went with the kids(who knows, she may call the police, I am not scared to tell them why) I have a full time job and I cannot see myself taking them full time but They need to be safe ASAP. We had 50/50 custody before but This stopped so i could manage my work promotion and support them (she cannot keep a full time job to save her life). I AM HEARTBROKEN because she has turned into everything she hated about her mother and she is somehow blaming me for how she has turned out becaused i divorced her 4 years ago. disclaimer: this is not about you lol

Social services and police

You need to involve social services. You also need to step up and fight for full custody if this is true.

Contact social services and possibly police and courts. You cannot leave them in such environment for a minute longer. What if the find and take the drugs? Let alone neglect as described. You have to take them full time if the court allows.
You can work this out. What if you had been together still and she died? You would have been alone and you would have made it work.
But in the meantime call SS and police and if you can pay a solicitor or family lawyer

Police & Social Services (there will be a 24 hr on call number, if you can’t find it the Police will definitely have it). If your children are living in a house where drugs are being stored & taken they are at risk in various ways. Mum under the influence, strangers in the house, them finding & eating the drug etc etc etc.

Essentially you need to get Social Services involved. However, if SS deem your children's home life with their Mum unsafe, then what do you propose to happen, if you're saying you can't have them live with you full-time?! Yes SS can work with their Mum to help and support her, but if she's on drugs, the likelihood she's going to prioritise her drug dealer boyfriend, over her children. So you need a clear plan, as to what happens to your children, if they can't live with their Mum. It may not happen or it might not happen yet, but it's clearly a possibility.

I cannot believe you are saying you can’t have your kids because you have a full time job!! That’s a piss poor excuse!

You take your kids and keep them safe. Do what millions of other full time working parents do, and look after your kids.

You need to take them full time and you need to tell her why, and if she disagrees/argues/refuses then get the police and social services involved. It is rough but this is what happens when you have kids, sometimes you need to step right up and ensure they are safe and protected. It's hard with a full time job, no one would say otherwise, but it can be done and if you have to move your life around to make it happen then so be it. Good luck. Stay strong. It will be tough but you are doing everything for the right reasons.

Not an excuse but i provide for them financially , she does not work and I cannot ever think the benefit system is the way.

Anyway I do appreciate the input. I may just have to take it on the chin and pay for after school clubs etc.

Ask on the divorce forum about how to get a court order… Smarter people than me will comment on whether it’s a good idea to talk to her first and say you want full custody, but it might be an idea. Get support from your family and friends so they know what you intend and can be there for you. And most importantly, commit fully to being a full-time single parent to them. It’s difficult but you can do it!

I have 2 adopted children and by the time things are like you describe, it's only a matter of time before there is a catastrophic incident which will cause the children to be taken into care anyway.

Tell Social Services that you will be happy to have the children. Make a plan. Don't have them go into foster care - they will probably be split up and goodness knows where they will be and it can be tricky to extract them.

Contact one of the family rights organisations for advice.

Yes that's exactly what you need to do, if what you describe is accurate you need to do this ASAP. Go and see a solicitor first thing in the morning after you have called social services and the police so you can safely and legally take the children immediately. Your children are indanger.

Plenty of lone parent mothers work full time as well as look after their children. You make use of nursery, child minders, after school clubs and other child care solutions. Just because you are a father there is no excuse whatsoever that you couldn’t take your children full time to ensure their safety and wellbeing and to give them a stable home life. Time to step up. If you are not prepared to, you shouldn’t have had children.
By leaving your children in their current unsafe environment you are as guilty of neglect as their mother is.

Clearly you need to call the police. Surprised you need to ask tbh.

Yes. You take them full time and pay for wraparound care. Plenty of parents do this, if things are as bad as you say I cannot fathom why on earth you wouldn't be fighting for full time custody and doing whatever you can to make it work!?

Social services and family court. Apply for an emergency prohibited steps order tomorrow morning. (Download and complete the forms tonight). Hopefully you'll get to see a judge quick and get an emergency order grated on the spot. Make sure you tick the urgent box and explain the situation to the receptionist and then the judge. I've had to do this myself (slightly different circumstances). I was sat talking to a judge in 20 minutes and within an hour I had the emergency prohibited steps order in my hands.

You need to become full time parent, your ex isn't going to stop being a drug addict and parent the kids single handed while you work and pay her maintenance. She clearly isn't capable of it. Sod your career, you'll have to put the kids first.

When I was in a somewhat similar position I negotiated with my employer to drop my hours so I could pick my DCs up from school a couple of days a week and the rest they went to after-school club. I also got child benefit and some tax credits (this was a while ago so it might be different now) which helped.

Dealing with social workers is painful but as long as you do your bit they'll help you. Keep it professional, don't argue with them, remember that the most important thing is your children's well-being. I would strongly recommend dropping the social worker a letter after each meeting politely reiterating the things they've said they expect you to do. Don't just rely on the social worker remembering what they've told you; put it in writing.

You can make this work. It won't be easy but these are your children. They're relying on you to get them somewhere safe.

They are not safe!!!!Nothing else matters.

You call social services, the police, the kids school speak to the safe guarding lead to pro ide emergency after school care, and the a solicitor in that order.

Your children are your priority, fuck the job. Yes you need money to provide for them but you also have a duty of care to your kids to keep then out of harms way. They are in immediate danger. Your employer will understand. You can take emergency parental leave if needed. Look it up in your work handbook.

You've got this. Just take the necessary steps one at a time. If something were to happen to those children, how will you handle it? It sounds like a nightmare. But you can do it. Use everything at your disposal.

Take it on the chin and pay for before and after school club? You’ve just said the other parent is using drugs and keeping drugs in your kids house and you’re worried about paying for before and after school club. Jesus Christ. You need to rethink your priorities drastically otherwise neither of you will get to see your children grow up

Oh my gosh, thank you, over the years I wish I knew about "prohibited steps order"

I have just read about it now. Thank you

It is an excuse , how do you think single mothers working full time manage?
What you save in paying the mother can go towards childcare.

Plenty of parents (largely mothers, but some fathers) have full time jobs and manage multiple children. It’s life, you have to ask for some adjustments / flexible working and pay for wrap around care. You cannot just leave your DC living in a filthy house with a drug dealer. Sorry but you saying you can’t manage as you’re working is ridiculous. Your children are at risk. You may well end up doing it anyway as I did 2yrs at college with a lovely lady, who told us at the end of the course that she had served 4.5yrs in prison as her partner was using her house to deal drugs.

For sure. And use whatever benefits available to keep your children safe!

Is there anyway for you to get in the house to get pics of the condition of the house. Id get the kids using a prohibited steps order and then call the police to report him dealing from the house. Do you have any family who could support you with childcare around your work hours? Speak to the children's school about it all, they will hopefully help and advise and support the children as itl be upsetting from them suddenly not being with their mother.

You must step in and take the kids - otherwise you are neglecting them. Work may be more supportive than you think - they have to be. Maybe they will let you WFH part of the time to fit around drop-offs and pick-ups? It’s an emergency.