Break up from narcissistic partner and I’m devastated- what is wrong with me?!

[Terriblysad123]

Short story long (I’ve posted previously about being in a bad relationship but can’t find my thread so bear with me). One year on and off with my ex. He, I thought was my happy ever after but he turned out to be abusive, coercive and manipulative. It’s taken me a while to see that and I thought he would change and/or that I could fix him.

He moved out but lives in my home town and I can’t help but see him all the bloody time as it’s such a small town.

I had to contact the police at the weekend due to him sending me the most horrendous messages (he said he wished I was dead, called me a fat c**t, I’ve betrayed him, I’m the narcissist etc and when I said he needs to stop or I’ll go to the police he said go ahead, let’s see who wins).

he came to get some belongings at the weekend and ended up running off with my phone, keys and purse because I was filming him as he was behaving inappropriately. He’d thrown them out of his car window so I managed to find them 24 hours later but he left me with no keys and I was stranded and had no way of calling anybody. He’s previously locked me out of my own home overnight and I stupidly went back to him.

I’m now devastated and can’t stop crying and feel like there’s something wrong with me. I’m romanticising about him and the good times and petrified I’ll never be happy again and that I’m going to have to live with him in my town and see him move on.

what if I’ve made a mistake?! What if he just needs help and I’ve deserted him.

You have not made a mistake
you’ve made a brilliant and brave decision
He sounds horrendous - you can’t save him
focus on yourself and build yourself back up so you can find a wonderful healthy relationship

He doesnt need help from you, you just help yourself.

Reframe this as if a friend or daughter was asking for your advice, you’d NEVER advise them to stay.

I spent 17 years with a narcissist, they don’t change but you do. Who you are gets slowly and completely destroyed. You need to run and stay away, save yourself, you deserve better x

Read the first pôsteres reply again and again ! Every morning, every tine your thoughts wonder!
You're brave and you WILL be happy!

What if he just needs help

He doesn't need help. He needs firing into the fucking sun with a cannon.

You're not his saviour and he is not a lost soul. You are his victim and he is a cunt.

Well done for finally ending things with him but you really, really need to pull yourself together and stop pining over someone who very fucking obviously doesn't love you, never has and never will. He doesn't even like you, for god's sake. He gets a kick out of controlling you, is all. It's all about him and his ego and he will never, ever change. Get some therapy if you need to.

He sounds horrible OP you do not want him back

and don't film him or record him openly as it's not safe to do so

He most certainly does need help….. but not the kind of help you would be able to give him! Psychological help!

You need help, not him. Please call WA, and/or look at the Freedom Programme. Do it, it’s a life changer.

He’s not just a narcissist, he’s an abuser. You were correct to call the police, do so if he turns up, or harasses you again. If you’ve not done it block him. Tell others, it will help you stay strong.

Look up and read Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. And do your Freedom Program.

He's an abusive thief. You can't fix him.

You're grieving the life you thought and expected to have with him, not the reality you actually had.

Treat it like an addiction. You know he’s bad for you, but there was a dependency and you still crave the false high. I found this analogy useful in helping me recover my self-esteem and to explain some of the feelings I had when I finally managed to break free from this type of relationship.

You can do this. It will be really hard, but you can. And you’ll look back in a few years time and be proud of yourself and the life you can build now.

Read up on trauma bonding. That's what you're experiencing and it's perfectly normal in your situation. Appreciate it's hard when he's around all the time but keep any contact to a bare minimum. You need time to break the bond. But it will happen and you will be happy again.

He is abusive, run a million miles away. Thank your lu ky stars you have nothing keeping you connected to that horrible thug. Get therapy for codependancy.

Read up on the feminist board. Value yourself. Put the work into yourself to get to a healthier mind space.

He does need help.

But, and this is the really really important bit:

The saddest thing about personalities of this type is that the very nature of their disordered thining means they will never accept help, or engage with it in any way.

It is okay to feel sorry for him but he causes significant and meaningful harm. And that is never okay, no matter what the reason.

And remember that it IS disordered thinking. So there is nothing you can do to rationalise, argue, debate. If the police went to see him about him locking you out of your house or taking your stuff, he would 100% be furious that they did and feel justified in his behaviours. It's not rational.

Well done for seeing it and leaving when you can.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

I’m just having those awful breakup feelings where you feel so lost without that person because it’s all you’ve know for a while.

I know deep down it’s the right thing but I can’t help but feel so sad about it. A lot of tears have been shed this past few days and I’m not sure how much more I can take.

I had a boyfriend like this at university. I can't count the times we had break ups like this, then he begged me to go back to me, we loved each other so much, I always did. It just escalated until he tried to kill me. I am so glad that finally gave me the impetus to end things and stay strong no matter how much he begged and pleaded and how much I ached for him and cried. It took me a year to heal, and the damage he did to me can never fully go away. It changes you as a person in fact. But honestly you can't live with this level of drama. You need to stay strong and move on.

I just can’t seem to shake him from my thoughts at the moment and I’m feeling sorry for him as I know he’ll be lonely as he moved 200 miles to be with me. I feel like it’s all my fault and I’m so lost.

It’s not helped that my friends really dislike him and he’s caused problems within my friendships so I feel quite isolated.

I’m 39 and worried that I’ll never find happiness and the thought of being with anybody else makes me feel sick and I can’t bear the thought of him with someone else. I don’t know how I’ll cope when I see him dating someone else. I feel like my heart is actually breaking.

It’s not helped that my friends really dislike him and he’s caused problems within my friendships so I feel quite isolated.

Reach out to your friends. Tell them they were right - that he has been a huge problem and you finally realise it and that you've broken up but you are finding it hard. I suspect they'll rally around pretty damn quick.

I typed out the story of my friend who also felt sorry for a man like this but it was long and you'd probably find it boring. So the TLDR version is this: she let him stay in her house but all that did was cause more fights and more harm and more abuse and whenever she told him he couldn't do something, he would punish her by going AWOL and refusing to see or speak to their DC and if she relented because he told her how hard his life was and how poor his mental health and he could not work and he had no where to live, the abuse would ramp up again. And then it started getting violent. And now she still feels bad because he says he is homeless and jobless but she has to protect herself and her DC.

You can feel bad for him but that doesn't change that he brings harm and chaos and is clearly not able to take responsibility or accountability (the single biggest problem with narcissistic personality types).

This is literally how narcissists tie you to them. They often do have a very sad story and they pick empathetic people on purpose. But it’s just a tactic, they use their stories and play on you. You are reacting as a normal healthy person does. Its often a sad back story but stay away.

But you were hardly happy with him were you? It was not loves young dream!

He's an abuser and you did right getting rid of him.

Do you honestly think he's thinking of you feeling guilty and how he's treated you? Has he hell. Look what he just did you?

Come on being on your own is far better than with this waste of skin. You're panicking because hes made you believe you can't live without him. It's rubbish you've done it before and can again.

You've not even given yourself chance to breathe fresh clean air way from his black cloud of doom. Let the dust settle, block him on everything. Your mates were 100% right about him btw. He is hideous. Why on earth would you want someone like him back?

You need counselling pronto and work on yourself. You are so vulnerable to people like him.

Google why does he do that free pdf and sign up for the freedom programme.

Your new life starts now please don't get back with him because you'll end up having to finish with him again and I can guarantee he will punish you even more next time. Don't be stupid.

Thank you all for taking the time to comment. I keep re-reading it all when I start to waiver.

He’s messaged to say I’ve betrayed him and let him down and sided with people who lie about him and he hopes I can live with myself 😔 says he’s tried so hard and I’ve done nothing except believe people who spread lies about him.

What if I’ve got it all wrong?!!

YOU HAVEN'T

Block him.

What if you have got it wrong. Doesn’t matter he’s still acting a twat. If it quacks like a duck…..

By any chance was one of your parents similar? You need to be careful what feels good and familiar, might not be good for you.

You are doing the right thing x