Can’t stand my MIL

[Cram1208]

My husband and I have a great marriage. He is very supportive helpful with kids and just very caring. His mom on the other hand has caused problems. Started with her controlling our wedding. She wouldn’t let us get married when we wanted she also changed menu items we picked for our wedding. She also tried to take over when my husband had surgery. She wanted him to recover at her house. When me and my husband said no she then wanted to be at our house I said no. I am a stay at home mom and can handle it.
she has made very disrespectful comments to my husband about me as well. Our relationship is basically non existent. Because of all of this I do not let her see my kids with out me around. Since I have such distaste for her we do not see my in-laws a lot . My husband agrees that his mom was wrong a lot but thinks I’m wrong for keeping my kids away. I feel someone who clearly doesn’t like me shouldn’t be rewarded with grandparent time. My husband kind of stays out of it until his mom has complaints. This is probably the only. Thing me and him fight about. Is this a common issue?

No advice. My in laws have completely ruined my marriage. I'm leaving mine because of it. I get the frustrations

Why can't your husband take the children to see his parents, surely he will keep an eye on them and if she starts with her negativity he can speak up and/or leave.

If he wants to see his parents he should be able to as long as he shuts down any nastiness.

I don't get on with my husbands stepmother so he takes our dc to see them and I go shopping as I don't feel it is fair to deprive the other grandparent a relationship with our dc and my husband will not take any nastiness from her and shuts it down.

How did she get to control your wedding, was she paying so therefore thought she should make all the decisions.

Has your husband spoken up or is he scared to say something to his mum, if he does not have your back you have more than a mil problem.

I feel someone who clearly doesn’t like me shouldn’t be rewarded with grandparent time
This sentiment is unreasonable. Your kids aren't a weapon or a reward.

If you keep your kids away from MIL when you're not t there because you think it's in their best interests, that's fine. If you're worried about her upsetting them, emotionally neglecting them, bad mouthing you to them... Etc. Fine keep them away.

Sorry your MIL is so utterly shit. But you need to separate your feelings about her from what's best for your kids. Because you'll have to explain your choices to your kids as they grow up. Are you keeping them safe or punishing mean MIL?

Your issue is your DH. He should have stood up to her years ago to prevent this festering. I wouldn’t let her have contact with my children if they were going to be exposed to nasty comments about their mother, so I agree with you on that.

Sadly your H is a wet lettuce when it comes to his mother because she’s basically emasculated him from an early she. He is far more afraid of her than he is of you and seeks her approval even now it’s not longer needed. He is also mired in fear, obligation and guilt. He needs therapy re his mother because her relationship to him is unhealthy.

I would keep the kids well away from her given how she has treated you both. She should not be rewarded for such bad behaviour. If she is too toxic/difficult/batshit for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for the kids too. She could harm them emotionally
not too dissimilarly to how you have been harmed - a look, pinch etc. This would happen right in front of your very eyes. Your h would not see it because he’s grown up seeing this so would see it as normal from her.

Remember that you are protecting your children from bad things. Children can also be indiscriminate in who they love so it’s down to their parents to show them who is and is not emotionally safe enough to be around. His mother is clearly not safe enough to be around.

If you think she would be a negative influence on your children, then its fair to not want them to be around her.

If you think that keeping them away is a good way to punish her for her behaviour, then that's not really helpful.

if she badmouths you to the children, can you tryst your DH to step in and correct her? My father wouldn't let anyone badmouth my mother in front of him and my DH wouldn't let anyone badmouth me in front of him. That's a baseline. So I'm happy for him to take our DC anywhere he likes.

He doesn’t speak up. I also hate her so much I know she would prefer if I wasn’t there. So that’s why I do not have my husband do that. Even if I was ok with it he works long hours and the weekends he wants to be a family.

He has said things to her and it got worse. We are at the point that me and her have nothing to say to each other because she’s mad my husband has commented on her behavior.

I feel her lack of respect for me would be shown to my kids. My husband also doesn’t fight me on not giving her alone time which I think validates my feelings. The fights are more about his parents want more time which I am uncomfortable with because I think my kids sense the tension. I try to keep visits with them quick when it’s just us and them but try to have them included in bigger gatherings so I don’t have to deal with her.

Read Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward.

What she said

And then get your DH the matching “Toxic Parents” by the same author!

Do not visit her again with your kids in tow. You need to all stay away from her. By the way she would have behaved like this regardless of whom your h partnered up with. She is not open to any reasoned argument.

The problem is the OPs husband has been conditioned not to stand up to her or challenge her in any way. She has been aided and abetted in this by OPs FIL. And I would assume he’s not stood up to her either. These types of men also act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

How long where you together before you got married and had kids.?.

She is enmeshed with him and can’t let him go. She hasn’t accepted you as the role as his wife, and sees you as a threat to her.

There needs to be firm boundaries put in place asap, or you’ll continue to feel like ‘the other woman’, with no say in your life! These women don’t back down unless there are real consequences (and that’s if you are lucky, as most believe it’s their right to act this way).

This should have been nipped in the bud at the start of your relationship.I would let her see the kids but get your husband to do it . He needs to have your back.

Part of the reason my marriage broke down was the MIL

My MIL is the same but LOVES my husbands ex girlfriends very very strange behaviour I just think her loss because I am a nice person and she is missing out

No one has a right to see your children if they treat you appallingly. Your children will see how you are treated and they will grow up thinking and knowing how you are treated.
Your DH needs to tell MIL that unless she shows you respect, she does not get to have a relationship with your children. If she’s allowed to be horrid to you, what happens if they displease her in some way? Will she be equally vile to them?
her title of grandmother does not entitle her to a relationship.
you do need you DH to be on board.

Sadly this is not unusual.

Pretty sure your hatred, which seems completely disproportionate to the 'issues' you listed, will have a far more influencing effect on your children than the occasional visit with your MIL without you there. Pretty sure anything they 'feel' is coming from you 🤷‍♀️
Seems like you are using them as a weapon to punish her for whatever you feel she has done and that's your prerogative. That your husband doesn't 'fight' you on it isn't that surprising, he must know you don't trust him with them and he seems incapable to standing up to either of you.

You say your husband is supportive and caring so your MIL must have done something right in raising him. You are being unreasonable using your children as a weapon. It is still his mum. You are being just as controlling.

You’re wrong.. just because you don’t like her/get on with her, why should your children miss out on building a good relationship with their grandparents.. miss out on that special love?

You might think you’re punishing them but you’re definitely not doing your kids any favours.

You sound highly strung and a difficult person to be around. Sure - MIL doesn't sound like an easy mother in law - but you seem like a nightmare controlling DIL.
What you are doing is highly damaging to your children - it teaches them to be unreasonable and selfish. And to use children as a weapon of vindictiveness.

You seem to think it's a competition with your MIL over your H. She probably meant well - and didn't think when she suggested to take care of her son after an operation. After all - she did raise him to be a good husband and a father, that you benefit from, but do not acknowledge.

I don't know why you think you can tell your H what he can not with the children. He is a weak man for allowing you to control him.

You don't have to like your MIL, or want to see her. But you have no right to tell him not to take the kids to see his mom. It's ridiculous.

If you divorce over this - you do realise that he'll have the kids 50% of the time and you'll have no control over it...