Midnight vent

[MyPearlSnail]

Feeling completely overwhelmed

Not sure if this is the place to post but i just feel so overwhelmed and helpless right now

I just need to get this off my chest and have a little vent as I've no one to talk too as I don't want to make my husband look bad to anyone we know personally

My Husband who is a wonderful dad to our 3 month old and I love him so much has made a significant error with regards to our rent

He hasn't paid it in over 7 months

It's set to go out on a standing order from his bank account and theirs been a problem and it hasn't been going out, he only just realised this tonight

I also contribute to bills but their split by accounts so so many go out of his and so many go out of mine

How you don't notice a large bill like rent not going out for 7 months is beyond me but then for the money to not be in the account is even worse as in its been spent somehow, where I'm yet to find out

I have contacted our estate agents and am paying it in full first thing in the morning, I'm really hoping their not in the process of having us evicted but we havnt received any letters or anything but would be surprised if the estate agents havnt noticed, I just don't understand this whole situation

We are having to use our savings to cover this now I feel I have to go back to work (currently on maternity leave) much sooner than planned to replace our money (which was for emergencies and to put towards buying our own home) as we don't have super high paying jobs and are only just getting by as it is while I'm on maternity pay

I'm not ready to leave our baby and as he's only breast fed and I'm a chef (can't see how I'd be able to pump at work) I'd have to look at starting to weane him off breast and giving him formula (not that theirs anything wrong with formula i just wanted to breast feed as long as possible)

I just feel completely let down by him as we both worked crazy hard to build up our savings i was working 60 hour weeks up until I was 8 and a half months pregnant so we would be ok and we could take the time off with our baby

I just can't believe he's been so irresponsible and I'm absolutely petrified we're going to be homeless with a 3 month old

I know he feels awful about this and he says he will fix it but I feel I can't trust him too

I'm holding my little boy and just want to break down in tears for the situation we're in right now a situation that could have very easily been avoided

Straight to the point but he's lying.
You need to sit there together and look at the bank account which the rent was meant to be being paid out of and see where the money has been spent. No way he didn't realise for 7 months that he had all this extra money and guaranteed there will have been letters for missing 7 months worth of rent.

That’s not a significant error, does he not check his bank account? What has the money been spent on? I feel sorry for you if you have to cut short your maternity leave

I understand your worries and anxieties over this.

Is this the only bill not being paid? Any more errors on his part? May be worth going through his statements together and making sure all the other responsibilities are up to date?

We are human, we make mistakes, you both had a new baby to think about - he made a mistake. Okay, a pretty big one but fingers crossed, no catastrophic consequences to you all.
If he is otherwise a wonderful man, your soul mate and partner in life - it needs to be forgiven and move on from it.

It's only money and thankfully they don't shoot us in this country for being in debt - which by the sounds of it, isn't going to happen.

Good job you had the emergency fund though.

First thing in the morning we're going through everything all bills and all purchases, payments the lot.

He really is a wonderful man and weve been together over 12 years now but i just cant think how such an oversight can happen especially when the money has gone, if the money was sat their in the account id feel different about the situation, still wouldn't be happy it happened but at least we wouldn't be draining our savings to correct the error

I'm feeling a little miffed he can sleep so soundly when I'm sat hear freaking out unable to sleep but to be fair theirs not much we can do till the morning

I just prey our estate agents are understanding and don't whack us with any late payment charges or an eviction notice

I didn’t change my standing order for my rent when it increased , my landlord was messaging me at 8am to tell me the rent was £100 short …

I don’t believe that you can not notice the rent not being paid especially when it’s not like it’s £50 a month.

I would say you’re about to open a whole can of worms …

I’m sorry op this sounds incredibly stressful. If you can’t sleep I’d start going through bank statements now. How did this come to light? Has he ever been a gambler?

He's never gambled it's not his thing he's usually very careful with money and doesn't like to waste it so I don't understand,

We found out as he went to check his account for something and noticed the rent hadn't gone out (it goes on the 13th of every month) he then looked back and realised the last payment was November

This really sounds like an addiction - gambling or drugs. I hope for your sake it isn't OP, but I would be prepared to approach this finance review you have with him analytically and sceptically!

Where is the money if it hasn't been going on rent? He should be able to say!

This isn’t a money mistake, this is deception and a trust issue. He can be a good loving amazing partner and father and still have secrets. he most likely didn’t want to tell you something while you were pregnant and vulnerable and maybe thought he could ‘fix’ it on his own, but he’s for himself into some trouble for sure.

I know it’s hard to wrap your head around but your landlord/ estate agent would have contacted him several times within the last 7 months. There is no way your rent hasn’t been paid for months and they haven’t contacted him.

He is unfortunately using that money for something else that he was worried about telling you as you were pregnant/postpartum.

doesn’t have to be gambling/addiction. Could be debt to someone from his past, or helping a family member etc. I’m hoping it’s not something sinister!

you need to get access to all of his accounts and see where your money is going! Confide in someone in your real life, you’re going to need support through whatever you uncover.

OP there is zero change he just found this out.

How much is your rent? I’m wondering whether he’s been ‘overspending’ by £500 or £2k (which obviously makes a difference as to how believable it is he didn’t notice)

Our rent is £750 a month

So that's over £5k that should be sitting in the account but isn't?? That will be interesting to see where it's gone.

Prepare yourself for a shock. I’m so sorry 😔

OP, prepare yourself for the fact he is lying. He will have had contact about 7 months unpaid rent, no doubt about it, but he has concealed this from you. I've been there and it is very distressing when you eventually find out. He will have spent that money on something and not wanted to tell you whilst you've been pregnant and then adjusting to a new baby. But he was protecting himself firsr and foremost! Sit down now and go through everything to find out where that money has gone. If you can't sleep start now!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP.
However, us humans are very intuitive and we always know when bills are due to leave even if we don't know the exact date - we know they're due each month.
Your partner knows how much he gets paid, and therefore will know how much, roughly, he will have left to spend, after bills. He overspent by at least 750 every single month for 7 months! No one - literally no one does that!
Again, I'm so so sorry this is happening to you, but this is not a little blip that has occurred. This is 5.5k that he has neglected to pay. He has knowingly put his new baby and the mother of his baby at risk of being evicted due to his selfish neglect. And like another poster has said - there is just no way that the estate agents have not made contact with him on more than one occasion about this.
Not only that, but you were working 60 hours a week 😱 to provide for your baby - this planning you carefully thought about and made happen, through blood sweat and tears, so that you and your baby could have what they need. He has fucked it up the wall, and says he "forgot".
I literally feel sick for you.
He has taken you for a ride.
You can do better. He should he your security. Especially at such a vulnerable time in your life when you are bringing a baby into the world.
Please leave him.

I rang the estate agents first thing this morning and they have confirmed they hadn't noticed the missed payments and nothing had been sent to my husband with regards to missed payments

I have payed the full amount owed and they assured me their will be no eviction but to make sure we stay up to date with payments from now on

Still doesn't answer the question of where this money has gone

I've tried to speak with my husband and explain how upset I am with him and how he put our son at risk of being homeless but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears

He just says he will sort it but with no actual plan of how

I have decided I need to go back to work full time, I've been in touch with my boss this morning and she is going to have a meeting with me this week on how best to do that while still being as flexible as possible for our little boy

I asked him to help me look at nurseries and childcare options and all he said was it doesn't really matter which one does it just pick one basically told me to sort it myself

I'm so shocked at how he is being right now it's almost childish his responses when I'm trying to have a very serious conversation with him

I'm just not ready to leave my son let alone wean him off of breast milk when I know it's better for him all because of my husband

We worked hard to make sure the baby had all the attention he needed for the first year before we started looking at childcare and now that's all been taken away it sounds silly but I feel like I've been robbed

It's made worse by him not taking any kind of responsibility and essentially just telling me to calm down and I'm over reacting

@MyPearlSnail you are very much not overreacting - this is really serious. Financial mismanagement is very serious. And him not taking it seriously is a huge issue - he’s fucked up, is minimising it, is just sitting back and expecting you to fix it.
Drop the rope on that, tell him he needs to cover the costs for you to stay on maternity leave for as long as you can.
Don't try and fix this, he needs to.

He is an utter liar. He had a Standing Order set up so the rent goes out automatically. The only way it doesn’t is because he physically had to go into a specific part of his account and stop it.
Please make him sort it out otherwise he will simply carry on taking you to be a fool.

Posted too soon. Go into his SOs on his bank account if he hasn’t already set it up again.

How could the estate agent have missed this? That seems very odd, and very inefficient! So that aside where does he say the money gone?

He is spending that money somewhere and you need to find out where.
I suggest that you check both your credit rating.

Your estate agent sounds very inefficient and I suspect your dh used this to his advantage. He needs to show you the account that the money was going out of and also the standing order set up.

He has betrayed your trust, and not lived up to his fundamental responsibilities as an adult, a father, and a husband.

At this point he doesn't get to skate on by with vague 'I'm sorry's' and 'I'm going to sort it'.

For there to be any sort of trust going forward, I would need to know exactly where the money went, with evidence produced to support this, and exactly how he planned to sort this, when, and what sort of short, medium, and long term impacts his 'sorting' was likely to have, including on his credit rating. I'd also be making damned sure he knew that any debt he took on to 'sort it', was to be in his name only, and attached to his earnings only.

And he would be living with my anger and mistrust for quite some time to come, given the impacts on you all, but most especially on you and your baby.

Yeah I mean to be fair £750 a month or whatever higher amount the rent could be. Especially with my financial circumstances, and I should think a large majority of others these days. I would notice the difference, by my balance, immediately! Unless someone is earning thousands or 6 figure sums lol.
Things can go wrong of course, not sure how with a SO though, as i thought you just select on or off when I looked.
So unless he wasn’t looking at the account balance and just spending and not thinking, personally I know what my limits are, so if I kept using my card and the money was lasting longer, i would go in and see why.

So where has the money gone.

Bit odd that the estate agents didn’t notice, I am shocked at that, the management here would probably be on the phone as soon as the first payment was not received! Knowing them.