Midnight vent

[MyPearlSnail]

Feeling completely overwhelmed

Not sure if this is the place to post but i just feel so overwhelmed and helpless right now

I just need to get this off my chest and have a little vent as I've no one to talk too as I don't want to make my husband look bad to anyone we know personally

My Husband who is a wonderful dad to our 3 month old and I love him so much has made a significant error with regards to our rent

He hasn't paid it in over 7 months

It's set to go out on a standing order from his bank account and theirs been a problem and it hasn't been going out, he only just realised this tonight

I also contribute to bills but their split by accounts so so many go out of his and so many go out of mine

How you don't notice a large bill like rent not going out for 7 months is beyond me but then for the money to not be in the account is even worse as in its been spent somehow, where I'm yet to find out

I have contacted our estate agents and am paying it in full first thing in the morning, I'm really hoping their not in the process of having us evicted but we havnt received any letters or anything but would be surprised if the estate agents havnt noticed, I just don't understand this whole situation

We are having to use our savings to cover this now I feel I have to go back to work (currently on maternity leave) much sooner than planned to replace our money (which was for emergencies and to put towards buying our own home) as we don't have super high paying jobs and are only just getting by as it is while I'm on maternity pay

I'm not ready to leave our baby and as he's only breast fed and I'm a chef (can't see how I'd be able to pump at work) I'd have to look at starting to weane him off breast and giving him formula (not that theirs anything wrong with formula i just wanted to breast feed as long as possible)

I just feel completely let down by him as we both worked crazy hard to build up our savings i was working 60 hour weeks up until I was 8 and a half months pregnant so we would be ok and we could take the time off with our baby

I just can't believe he's been so irresponsible and I'm absolutely petrified we're going to be homeless with a 3 month old

I know he feels awful about this and he says he will fix it but I feel I can't trust him too

I'm holding my little boy and just want to break down in tears for the situation we're in right now a situation that could have very easily been avoided

I could never forgive him and how he is acting now is disgraceful.

You definitely are not overreacting.
I wonder if he is depressed - men can get the baby blues, too. I'm by no means accepting his behaviour, but this may be the case and would explain his lack of "feeling" towards things.
I am so glad the estate agents are fine with everything and that's all down to you really. I'm just so sorry he has robbed you from your maternity, and from the things you have planned.
I hope he can pull his finger out and get a new lease of life, but he really should be ashamed of himself.
He needs to do alot more than seemingly shrugging his shoulders and saying "I forgot" and "you're overreacting". I just cannot fathom his lack of interest in this all! It does make you wonder what else has he been neglecting?!

Is the estate agent the landlord of the property or do they act on behalf of the landlord? If so hasn't he/she wondered where the rent payments are??

Maybe he does not really want to be a dad/a provider/the main earner and this is his roundabout, possibly even subconscious way of communicating his feelings?

Our estate agents act on behalf of the landlord weve never met the landlord himself

I have to sort it myself as I can't trust him too and I'm not willing to take any chances on something that could affect our son

Wow he’s a gem isn’t he?! How on earth can you not notice that £750 hasn’t gone out of the account, or that you’ve got a lot more money in the account - I call bullshit and I’d want to go through the statement and see where he’s spent the extra money.

As for his attitude, well it stinks, he’s happy for you to go back to work ft early, which impacts you and your dc, AND he doesn’t give a shit who looks after his dc during the day. I’d say he’s being a pretty shit dad and don’t agree with your ‘he’s a wonderful dad’ statement.

His reaction is really worrying OP, how confident are you that he will let you go through his bank statement when it comes to it? His whole 'I'll sort it/you're overreacting' response makes it sound like he just wants to brush it under the carpet and hope you don't investigate further, which may well mean he has something to hide. £750 a month 'extra' money is a huge amount to spend without realising so I suspect there's more to uncover yet, brace yourself would be my advise, sorry OP.

Out of interest why didn't you go through his account as soon as you found out about the rent? Identifying where the money had gone would be the first thing I would do so I'm wondering if it was him who steered you away from looking immediately?

I am 30 years down the line from you. This is the sort of thing my STBEXH would have done. I forgave and forgave and allowed myself to be dismissed. I regret this very much.

I don't have the log in for his Internet banking he pays out of his personal account which i dont have access too as our joint accounts and my personal account are with a different bank

He's still using the same bank he's had forever and the rent and energy bills come out of his account as we needed to boost his credit score when we first got a house together as he lived with parents and paid literally no bills, no phone no netflix no nothing

Nah I’m sorry this would 100% be a deal breaker for me, especially given his response. Please dont say “oh he’s a good dad” or “he’s a good man” because no good man would behave like this, they’d be beside themselves with worry and guilt. He knows what he’s been doing with the money otherwise he’d of been distraught, just as you are. I would brace yourself for when it comes to light what he’s been doing. I’m so sorry you’re going through this when you should be enjoying your maternity leave.

This is appalling. If it's a genuine error (massively unlikely) you've been paying a random account £750 pcm thinking it's going to your landlord/estate agent, so you need to speak to the bank and see if there is any chance of recovering it. I wouldn't return to work a second earlier than planned. I'd be expecting my husband to explain what happened, escalate with the bank as needed and come up with a plan of action to replenish savings. If he gives zero fucks about any of this, I'd honestly start divorce proceedings. This is family money, your kid's security, he's a bad man for jeopardising that and I'd have zero tolerance for his behaviour and disregard. I'm sorry this is the situation you're in. What a disappointment your husband is.

Could I ask why you still haven't looked at his account together to see where the money has gone? You said in a previous post you were going to do that together first thing. Is he stalling? Is this ( apparently new ) childish and dismissive attitude a means to distract you? I think you need to say to him it's very important for your trust going forward to be able to see exactly what's happened here. I also think you should not be changing your maternity leave plans to accommodate his huge mistake, yet. If it turns out all the money has been validly spent on family / household stuff ( although £4500 seems a lot it might be possible to have spent that with additional newborn expenses that weren't budgeted for?) then consider making a plan together, but don't automatically bail him out. Find out where the money went first. Plus it's his problem, let him fix it. I understand that's stressful as you are protecting your baby and don't trust him because of what's happened, but surely this is the only way he can win trust back? And if he's refusing to let you look at his account, and still minimising this then yeah he is only going to be a burden to you and your child in the future as well.

Check he's paid the energy bills.

It's very odd that the estate agent and the landlord didn't notice. It seems a big coincidence that all three parties genuinely didn't notice. maybe the first month it was a genuine error as he couldn't have known you wouldn't get a call from the estate agent the day after it was due! But maybe when they didn't say anything first few months he thought he was home free and didn't need to pay as they wouldn't notice. How exactly did it come about that he 'noticed' though?