Discussing finances

[MissPunjabi]

Hi all

Just wondering what your thoughts are on this. My partner and I are getting married next year. We are going to be living with his mum in her 5 bedroom house, his father passed away a few years ago and he is an only child. I am totally accepting of this and have a good relationship with future MIL.

My other half pays all the bills and I have asked about finances when we are married and he said he will continue to pay the bills and won’t be taking a penny off me for that. I offered to split bills when we are married (we do not live together currently as can’t until we are married) but he said no. I don’t want to be a freeloader and would like to contribute so have offered to pay for all the food shop and date nights.

Is this reasonable ?

Bills are around £600
Food guessing £400 a month
Then add a few date nights in there too!

Thoughts?

I know there are different ways for couples to manage their finances, but personally I would be uncomfortable in a marriage where finances are not completely transparent and shared.
My DH and I pool everything. (I am the breadwinner). We then use an app that we can both access to budget and keep track of expenses. We get equal spending money for clothes, drinks out etc.
It may seem kind right now that he is offering to pay (and it may come from the best of intentions). But this can quickly turn into you be financially dependent and having little control over how the money is spent. (Especially if you stop working to look after kids, which is actually what my DH did.)

I don’t really understand why couples decide to each take charge of particular expenses, rather than pool everything, as lifestyles and costs can change dramatically as family life progresses and I think there is a danger it leads to resentment if one is assuming the other’s expenses are less than they might actually be.

You haven’t said why he is suggesting he will cover the bills. Do you work OP? Is there a big difference in earnings?

We both work we have our own incomes no kids as not married yet. He’s always paid the bills and that’s how he prefers to keep it - quite traditional in that sense reminds me of my dad. We are both in control of our own finances so financially independent

@Ticktockticktockclock same age similar earnings same pension FYI

What’s your longer term plan, do you want DC, if it was me I’d want a financial plan before getting married?

We have a financial plan….
We plan to save £500 each (£1000 a month between us)
He pays bills £600
I pay food/social £500-£600
Whatever is left we spend how we each want!

If kids happen they happen but we aren’t exactly young so leave it in gods hands.

If kids happen I have enough savings behind me to live off for X amount of years no issues on that front

That sounds fair enough, leave it at that, it sounds equal.

@Junoornotjuno 👍🏼

This sounds pretty balanced. I guess the issue is that circumstances change for people. What happens then?
For argument’s sake, if he suddenly started earning more, whilst you took time away from your career to have a baby or care for relatives etc, these fixed numbers become irrelevant. The “whatever is left” might become huge for him and nonexistent for you.

I personally, in that context would view all the money as shared and would want equal say in controlling the shared assets. But just have a quick read through other financial threads on here and you will see many many men don’t see it that way. They think of their salary as their money.

So I would suggest discussing scenarios beyond your current situation before getting married.

If circumstances change we will deal with it. We have each others back regardless and whatever comes our way we are both financially secure and stable. @Ticktockticktockclock

I would be uncomfortable with it not being equal, as if things change in the future it could be disadvantageous for you

It could be worth chatting through different scenarios, what if one of you is made redundant, wins the lottery, inherits etc etc? It wouldn’t be nice if one of you has hundreds of thousands of pounds more than the other.

@Sally2791how is this not equal if you wouldn’t mind explaining?

He pays £600 for bills
I pay £500-£600 for food/date nights
We each put £500 into savings

Monthly outgoing are pretty much the same as is the amount we plan to save monthly

@Junoornotjuno we have had that discussion. We don’t do the lottery. Any inheritance is shared between us and if one becomes redundant the other provides. We also have savings and family to turn to in worst case scenario. No mortgage either

He has somewhere to live come what may. You don’t.

I’m not saying it’s unfair but he needs to protect his mum’s house from you obviously, and you won’t be saving money towards a house should you need one in future.

Are you going to live with your MIL long term?
Even if you get on with her now, you've never lived with either of them yet.
Would you not want your own home?

OP, it sounds like you are changing your story. You started a thread asking for people’s thoughts.
You are now saying you and future DH have a plan to both contribute equally, but your opening comment was:
“My other half pays all the bills and I have asked about finances when we are married and he said he will continue to pay the bills and won’t be taking a penny off me for that. I offered to split bills when we are married (we do not live together currently as can’t until we are married) but he said no.”

It really doesn’t sound like you are on the same page about your plans.

@myplace I live at home with my parents and does he this is how our Asian culture is. I will always have somewhere to live no issues there. Aswell as saving £500 joint with him I will also be saving an additional £1000 a month as I can afford to.

Unless I’m misunderstanding and by “bills” you just mean utility type bills?

@Justmuddlingalong yes she is elderly. In our culture we look after our own parents and care for them. The same way my sister in law lives with us currently and looks after my mum. Having a loving husband who looks after me and treats me well is more important than having my own home. Certain expectations in the Asian culture which I totally accept and it was one of the things we both value and it made us connect more having these traditional values

I really don’t mean this to sound rude btw. I’m sorry if it does.
I just think being on the same page about finances is really important in a relationship.

@Ticktockticktockclock he pays the bills at home currently and plans to after marriage without contribution from me. Hence why I was asking if what I'm planning to contribute is an equal shout. No story changing here sorry for any confusion

@Ticktockticktockclock yes utility bills. So countil tax gas/electric water home insurance. No offense taken it’s totally fine I appreciate you taking the time to respond :)

It concerns me that you say you have enough savings to live on for some time if you have kids. Thats not how it should be. If you have kids and you are the primary caregiver then that's your contribution. The labour. In that scenario DH should cover all the bills. Don't forgot if you are not working then you are losing the opportunity to advance your career and he is gaining the opportunity to advance his. While you earn the same amount at the moment this can change.

I think you need to consider finances more broadly by not just looking at how things are now, but what happens if there is a significant change. I also think it is much fairer to have a joint account where all bills come out of. This is better than each person taking responsibility for one bill because say for example the cost of food drastically increases but the cost of the other bills stays the same. Then you are paying a lot more. Also, if you did split up then you both have a record of paying rent or mortgage which is really important if you want to get a rental or mortgage on your own. You need that history. Paying food bills doesn't cut it. I also don't like women paying food or nursery bills because that carries with it the implication that you are also responsible for the labour associated with that ie doing the shopping.

So my advice is: joint account, pay in to that for all bills including food. Savings accounts. Then equal amount of fun money. If someone's income changes then the extra goes to savings. You keep the same amount of fun money throughout. If the joint income goes down and savings are needed for a while to make up the difference then this comes proportionately from both savings accounts.

@Rainbowqueeen refreshing read - thank you so much. Will re discuss finances. Luckily there is no mortgage or rent it’s literally just bills and food and fun money.

Is It good not to have a mortgage/your own home? I see that as a negative.