Discussing finances

[MissPunjabi]

Hi all

Just wondering what your thoughts are on this. My partner and I are getting married next year. We are going to be living with his mum in her 5 bedroom house, his father passed away a few years ago and he is an only child. I am totally accepting of this and have a good relationship with future MIL.

My other half pays all the bills and I have asked about finances when we are married and he said he will continue to pay the bills and won’t be taking a penny off me for that. I offered to split bills when we are married (we do not live together currently as can’t until we are married) but he said no. I don’t want to be a freeloader and would like to contribute so have offered to pay for all the food shop and date nights.

Is this reasonable ?

Bills are around £600
Food guessing £400 a month
Then add a few date nights in there too!

Thoughts?

As a fellow Punjabi it all seems reasonable, now when you move in the family dynamics will completely change, especially if you have kids.
Even without kids you may decide that looking after MIL is not for you and that you want your own home long term..Things change be aware
Even if it doesn't, you should save independently anyway, have your own financial independence just in case it doesn't work out.
Being mortgage free is a great advantage, and being the only child you both stand to inherit the family home. This is a fortunate buffer, enjoy your new married life.

@Junoornotjuno you clearly don’t understand the Asian culture and how families stick together and look after their elderly parents. No mortgage means we will have a lot more disposable income and a comfortable life . I understand your concern but we discussed this literally on our second date! His values align with mine regarding staying with elderly parent. We won’t ever have a mortgage to worry about and his mother won’t ever have bills to worry out. I would never expect him to leave his 75 yr old mother by herself. My brother lives at home with his wife and my parents and he had the option to move out but he chose to stay put to look after mum.

@CuarloDeFonza I am aware of that. It’s literally just mother in law and we have a good relationship. I’ve always been a hard saver (£1000-£1500) monthly and will save jointly aswell as independently too. It’s good to have something to fall back on. My dad has instilled it into me from teens the importance of saving. If I have kids I’ll instill this into them too. Thank you 🙏🏼

I don’t understand why you have started the thread if you are happy with your financial situation.

@Junoornotjuno just to see if people thought it was a fair shout that’s all

I am having issues with my partner because of finances, we did 50/50 before we had kids, we were happy then. But since we had kids and not earning, he has resented me. Please communicate as much as possible about your finances, hope all goes well for you both.

@Beetiq I’m so sorry to hear that. So your partner resents you for not earning? Plan to discuss further following on from everyone’s advice here. Thank so much and I do hope things improve for you. I don’t know if kids will happen for us - if it does naturally great if not it’s it a deal breaker and we are on the same page about that. We aren’t exactly young 20s so we understand a baby may not happen for us which again we talked about quite early on.

Not a dealbreaker*

@MissPunjabiI have been a SAHM for 5 years now and in that time we have had 3 kids, last one being a surprise. With everything going up and up, we have had to live on his income, I guess that stress has got to him and now feels like am no good as I don’t contribute financially. Now that our last one is over one, I am looking for a job but we are not happy, I feel broken. Thank you for your kind words and wish u the best.

@Beetiq that’s really sad. He should be grateful you’ve taken out 5 years to raise the kids that’s a huge contribution to the family albeit non financial but could he do that if you were to go to work? Hope you find happiness x

Sorry to jump in but what’s the app you use?

YNAB (you need a budget).
It takes a bit of learning to use, but I find it really helpful. Both in terms of keeping track of monthly expenses but also bigger picture like saving pots.

Thank you 🙏

It sounds like by not paying any of the household bills you wouldn’t be entitled to any share of the house should you later split or worse case, your husband dies. Will your name be on the house deeds? I think I would be asking the question as to what would happen to you, and any potential children, should your husband die. Would you have any rights to stay in the house? Be careful your husband and MIL aren’t just giving you words of reassurance, no matter how well intended, it needs to be legally written up.

@Hairyfairy01 wow really? I’m no money grabber, if worst case scenario happened I would come back to my parents and always have a roof over my head. I certainly wouldn’t be greedy and going after a house I’ve not contributed to that’s for sure. And no I won’t be asking for the house deeds to have my name on it’s not my house it’s my partners mums house. If my partner was to die before his mother I wouldn’t want to stay there anyhow

Surely you can afford to save more than £500 a month while living with his mother?
Do neither of you have any desire to stand on your own?

@Sofiewoo we can actually afford to save £3000 between us a month if we really wanted to which is way more than the average couple by far and yes if we wanted to buy our own house we would money is not an issue. In our culture we stay with family and look after our elderly parents, you’d know this if you’d read my replies to others on here. It’s not about standing on our way. We each have a flat on rent so it’s not that we can’t get on the property ladder we choose to stay with family which a lot of westerners don’t so will never understand our values

Agree