DH angry I offered to help ex with DD and now refusing to come on break

[AnnonChrono]

Bit of a long one sorry but don’t know where else to put this. I’m a bloke so might be in the wrong place posting but I lurk a lot and seen other dads post before so hoping it’s ok.

Me and DH (married 3 years, together 6) have kids from previous. I’ve got DD12 who lives with us full time due to long-standing stuff with her mum (mental health and just general not coping). DH has DS11 who we have 50/50. All get on great generally and home life is good.

DD’s been struggling a lot lately. I think a combo of puberty hitting and her starting to realise her mum’s not really ever going to be what she wants/needs. She doesn’t talk to me loads about emotional stuff, which I get, and my sister’s great with her and they talk about girly things etc. I try not to take it personal but I feel a bit helpless sometimes tbh.

Anyway recently I messaged DD’s mum and basically said I’d be willing to pay for her to get some therapy or support if she wanted to try and work on stuff for DD’s sake. I didn’t expect a miracle, but figured worth a shot. She replied saying no thanks and that was that.

DH found out (I mentioned it in passing really) and he’s really pissed off. Said it’s not my job to fix her and she’s had enough chances and we shouldn’t be spending our money on someone who’s never pulled her weight. He’s now saying he’s not coming on a UK break we had planned Monday just the two of us and being generally frosty.

Now I’m second guessing if I was out of line. I didn’t give her any money, just offered to help IF she was willing. It wasn’t meant to be about her really it was more for DD’s sake but DH is acting like I’ve betrayed him or something.

Don’t know what to do now. Feel torn cos I get where he’s coming from a bit but also DD’s my kid and I’ll do anything to help her feel secure. Am I being too soft? Or is DH being unfair?

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

You sound very thoughtful, kind and a great dad. He is being a bit of a twit not going on your trip.

I think it was a kind and generous gesture but you probably should have put it past your husband first

I agree with your DH that you overstepped here. You can’t fix or change your ex (I understand the urge but it’s crossing a boundary).

He's being childish about the break, but it does sound like you don’t understand his point of view so maybe he’s exasperated.

You were offering family money and should have cleared it with him first.

Given that you're both dads, your husband really ought to understand the concept of putting your child first. You have done the right thing by trying anything you can think of to improve your daughter's relationship with her mum. I would ask him to imagine his son was in the same position as your daughter.

If he persists in being a dick, remind him your daughter will always come before him, as his son should come before you, and that you're not going to apologise for that.

My DH appreciates that I will normally discuss this kind of stuff with him. Sometimes I don’t. You could have discussed this with your DH and decided together.

My DS is not my husbands but I discussed with him guitar lessons for my son with him - even though I’m paying for them - why because they are in our house and like Wednesday he had to deal with the lesson as I wasn’t home from work etc

You were trying to make life a little easier for your dd, which any good dad would. It was a lovely thing to think of, but if you are married, you should discuss any significant expenditure first. I image therapy is quite expensive.

Your H on the other hand is behaving like a childish sulky pillock having a tantrum.

If you share money then you should have spoke with him first, if you have separate finances it doesn’t really concern him but I would of still maybe mentioned it before offering

DH and I discuss large expenditures in advance. Therapy gets expensive very quickly. On that grounds, I do think this is something a spouse has a legitimate right to be upset about. The two of you should have had a conversation and decided together just how much financial assistance you are able to offer your child’s mother.

You sound like a great dad who wants to do what's best for your daughter. I do think that this is something you should have discussed with your husband though. Did you avoid it because you were concerned about what his reaction would be? It's a bit petty of him to give you the cold shoulder and refusing to go on the trip. Maybe you should just go away by yourself and leave him to it?

At first, I thought it was perhaps your same-sex relationship causing issues, but having further read your post, I understand that not to be the case.

Why the hell does your DH find issue with you helping your child? He sounds like a mean little b.

It was a kind offer but in any equal relationship you run things past each other generally first especially if it’s joint money.
you sound like a lovely dad and just keep on supporting your daughter in any way you can.
your husband is being a bit too sensitive I think and it shouldn’t impact on your relationship or holiday.

The only reason you made this offer was that it might ultimately help your DD to forge a better relationship with her mother. You were doing it for your child.

Your DH is being rather unfair, but maybe he does feel like you've gone behind his back, and is pissed off that you didn't talk to him about it beforehand.

@AnnonChrono Surely he's using that as an excuse because she turned your offer down so you won't be giving her money? You sound lovely and your DD is lucky to have you.

I'm a bit surprised by these responses. Your DH is being a childish tit in my opinion.

Was it likely that she would refuse?

Would if have affected you financially if she had accepted?

I see his point about not being asked but also you are worried about your daughter.

Can you go away with your daughter or alone?

I think his behaviour is ridiculous even if you were wrong.

Completely agree. It was a thoughtful generous offer. If it would have impacted family finances it should have been discussed. It doesn’t sound like that’s the issue. More that he doesn’t deem her mum worthy enough.
Thats more tricky to navigate. Ultimately your mums your mum no matter how shit (I don’t talk to mine), does he feel threatened at being replaced?

I would guess he probably feels this is something you should have discussed first, as private therapy is quite pricey. It sounds like he is also has a pretty low opinion of her for not being there for her daughter (rightly or wrongly). I guess there's also the bit where she lives there full-time so he plays a pretty big role in her life day to day so feeling pushed out of this discussion may have made him feel unappreciated.

Agree. All these posters having to check with their other halves before they spend their own money.

Obvs if you were offering thousands of pounds worth of therapy and you’re a SAHD who’d be using his dh’s money then that’s unreasonable, but I’m assuming it would be your own earned money you’d be using and not the household pot?

I think it was over stepping although with good intentions to offer to help the mum.
I think that it’s not appropriate that her ex who has a husband is the person supporting her.

I don’t think sulking or not going on the holiday is a good idea but I think you need to apologise and say you just wanted to help your child. It’s upsetting for you that she doesn’t have a great relationship with her mum due to her mums issues so you wanted to fix it but realise that you just need to make sure that dd has a happy home with you is your job and you won’t get involved going forward.

I earn my own money so I decide how I spend it. I contribute half to bills and household expenses but after that I don’t ask permission before spending MY OWN MONEY! I’m an independent, autonomous person. It was your money, your daughter, and you are entitled to spend money for yer h we befit any way you like. He’s being petty, jealous and selfish. Fuck that.

You made a kind gesture towards your dd. Improving the life of your child should always come first. There are plenty of women all over the world driving their children long distances to make sure they see their dads when they shouldn’t have to shoulder all the driving, because ultimately, an emotionally healthy child and eventually adult is worth the extra money.

Even where Dh and I do share children and household expenses, I don’t clear every purchase with him, even something at £50 a session. But then I would imagine your Dh doesn’t pay for all your DD’s care and activities anyway since you have separate children.

Your Dh is being childish and dramatic, but my guess is there is somewhere a bit of a backstory and some jealousy and resentment here. Nonetheless, I think you’ve done the right thing for your dd and she’s lucky to have a dad like you.

I know! Me too.

Checking with your husband before spending money on your own child.

If my husband told me he wouldn’t go on a holiday with me because I’d paid for something for my daughter I’d assume he was insane.

Does your Daughter have therapy? If not deffo pay for that. Maybe you could also spend
time and money investing in her relationship with her aunt.

I think what you offered is kind. I get where your husband comes from with his annoyance, but it should be easy to forgive
something that has come from a good and pure place - however it should have been discussed first.

So single sex relationship? Shes most likely just wanting some female time