Do you believe ‘if he wanted to he would’?

[PettyCrocker]

Or things like ‘actions not words, ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them’? Just wondering really. I tend to follow that way of thinking, but have to temper it with the knowledge that nobody is a mind reader. It’s not always so black and white and life/people don’t always conform to blanket statements or fit in neatly labelled boxes. I wonder if generally it’s too harsh an outlook, or does it track for your experiences? Just thinking about how many people I know (mostly women it has to be said) who are in unfulfilling relationships but clinging on because there’s a glimmer of hope.

Of course and in all things not just relationships. Actions are reality whereas words are the speaker's interpretation of reality.

Absolutely this!!!

It’s a simple fact. No debate to be had.

I think this applies to all relationships, platonic and romantic. People are generally motivated to do what they want to do and avoid things they don't. How many posts do you see about people chasing one-sided friendships hoping the other person will suddenly show interest and take the lead? Same with partners kicking the can down the road about getting married, adding them to the deeds/mortgage, deciding they want children. If you have to badger it's probably not going to happen willingly. Doesn't make it any easier to accept and move on though.

Yes, but I believe this for everyone not just men. But I think women give men more of a pass because they are “just men”

Up to a point, because sometimes it’s not realistic.

I want to buy my partner a Lamborghini for his next birthday. Won’t be, I don’t have the money and won’t have it by August.

We both want to do more together - we have an autistic 8 year old and my partner has a lifelong health condition. Sometimes it’s not a possibility.

Life isn’t as idealistic as doing what we want for people whenever want to do it.

It’s more like - if you want to, and it’s a possibility, you should.

I believe this. My EXDP was/is a commitment-phobe. Says all the right things, but there’s always an excuse, and his actions didn’t match up. If he’d have admitted in the early stages of dating that he never wanted to get married again, I’d not have spent almost 8 years with him and had DC (in our late 30’s, so couldn’t wait).

Since we’ve split, he’s had 2 or 3 roughly 1 year long relationships. Each of these I can see he love bombs initially, then retreats when the lady pushes for more commitment. Really wish I’d seen the signs.

”When someone shows you who they are, believe them” couldn’t be a truer statement.

There are plenty of things I want to do but I don’t, because I don’t have the time / money / capacity / talent / energy etc.

But if someone else needs me to do those things, and I’m not doing them for whatever reason, it hardly matters what I want.

If someone’s not doing something you’d very much like them to do - as a partner, a friend, whatever - you’re just not compatible, and there’s little point analysing it too much, IMO

Yes! its so true.

Yes I do believe. Not that being in a good relationship means every day is sunshine and roses and you never argue, but definitely that when it’s right it generally feels easy and neither of you are playing games. Also “when someone shows you who they are, believe them” is true in my experience

It never stops being true, no matter how long you've been together.

Yes. It’s very simple with men. They like you, they’ll ask you out. If they’re in love they’ll do whatever to make you happy. If that’s getting married and having kids that’s what they’ll do. If it’s not simply, if you’re left hanging, wondering, questioning… he’s not into you. Just passing the time.

I absolutely believe actions over words because words are cheap. I’ve been in a position where a man repeatedly told me he adored me, I was the love of his life…. Yadayadayada….. but I was last on his list of priorities and actually just someone to shag when he had a spare five minutes. Future faking…. Words mean nothing. Actions do.

I don’t believe it; I’m with you OP.

MN has a very black and white thinking and most posters seem to live by and chant these cliches and phrases time and time again. It’s gets really old and boring - especially “ohhh….it’s never Dave from accounts is it” and many more, examples of which you’ve already given.

It’s lazy thinking and following the herd.

If you look a little deeper, you’ll see how differently people think and interpret stuff.

And yes, there’s many many times I’ve desperately wanted to do something but haven’t for one reason or another.

Yes. Words are cheap, it's actions that count.You reap what you sow are similar sayings I believe in