Do you believe ‘if he wanted to he would’?

[PettyCrocker]

Or things like ‘actions not words, ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them’? Just wondering really. I tend to follow that way of thinking, but have to temper it with the knowledge that nobody is a mind reader. It’s not always so black and white and life/people don’t always conform to blanket statements or fit in neatly labelled boxes. I wonder if generally it’s too harsh an outlook, or does it track for your experiences? Just thinking about how many people I know (mostly women it has to be said) who are in unfulfilling relationships but clinging on because there’s a glimmer of hope.

I definitely do believe. My ex husband didn’t want to spend time with me and that was very obvious. Similarly since dating Men who want to spend time with you will let you know. (They decent ones won’t keep running after you after you’ve said No Thanks)

I think you need to look at actions when actions and words aren’t aligning.

These aren’t small, specific boxes we are trying to fit all people in, these are more general statements which I believe are true.

If he wanted to, he would. Isn’t that just common sense that if someone could put more effort in, address things they know bother their partner and they are capable of doing it but they just don’t do it that it’s likely they’re not that in to you? Of course it is.

It is important to live by these statements to protect yourself from staying with someone who either doesn’t care about you or manipulates you into thinking they’re one way when they’re actually another way. Those are traits of abusive relationships and these tenets protect victims.

I'm a 100% convinced that you should watch someone's behaviour, not listen to what they say. Obviously this is over a period of time, not a single mishap.

I absolutely believe it. Because it’s how I go through life. If I wanted life to be a certain way, I’d certainly behave as if I did. I think though that some people’s inner and outer worlds can be very different. Some people are very good at presenting in a socially acceptable way (this is what people expect), but internally wanting something very different.

I imagine you’re talking about a romantic relationship, but I’ll give you an example from my own life. I’m NC with my mum. She knows that in order for us to have a relationship in the future, she has to do certain things. One of them is to attend individual and family therapy to work on some issues she has. She has over the years done things like pretend to be attending therapy, falsifying records to make it look like she is attending therapy, agreeing to attend but a max 2 sessions (she is a millionaire, she could fund therapy for everyone she knows if she wanted!), going AWOL for 3-6 months when I offer to arrange something on our behalf so that she uncontactable and can’t attend. Hence, we are now NC.

If she wanted to do it, she would. She wants to play the game. In fact, she tells all her friends that we are NC because I refuse to meet her for therapy. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You can’t make this stuff up! She wants to string everyone along by feeding them empty promises. But she doesn’t ever intend to do it. I don’t play games. And so we no longer have a relationship. Generally speaking, most adults have free will. What they want to do and what they tell you they really want to do may be very different though.

Yes, definitely.

There is a distinct group of men who want a partner for sex, their willingness to keep a clean home and fill the fridge and the fact they pay half the bills.

It hasn't occurred to them that children and a close and fulfilling relationship might be the next logical step.

As long as there is a TV (with remote), a full fridge, a chair and easily available sex, they don't look any further.

Men who want more, will generally say so, and then pursue it.

From those who don't want more, the silence is deafening.

Women waiting for a man to propose. If he wanted to, he would!

Definitely. If you're in doubt, dump them and watch them try to do what you've been asking them to do for years. They know exactly what needs to be done but want to do the bare minimum.

Every one of my exes has been like this.
Number 1 - didn't want to go down. We had a brief resurgence. He did it. Repeatedly.
Number 2 - Put his mates first. Didn't value me. Begged me to come back so he could show me what I really meant to me. Like it'd never occurred to him before. 😂
Number 3 - Didn't believe in celebrating anniversaries. Until I lost interest. THAT year, I got a card and flowers. Too little too late mate. LOL

I do believe that some people are lazy and even though they do care, they put off doing things. It’s not that they don’t care, they don’t care enough.

But ultimately, I don’t think it matters why they’re not doing something if it not being done makes you feel unappreciated or hurt etc. Maybe he does want to show he cares and he does love you, but the fact is that he doesn’t care enough to do the important part, which is showing that love and care.

Of course men aren’t mind readers and if you want something unusual then you need to ask for it. But whenever I hear men accuse women of wanting them to read their minds, it’s incredibly rare that the “mind reading” involved isn’t either something the woman has actually explicitly mentioned before or just basically being an equal partner and caring about her feelings.

Put it this way, after not being fussed about marriage for 5 years I realised that I did want to get married. Told my then DP . He proposed within a month and we were married 4 months later. Just had our Silver Wedding Anniversary.
( I didn't expect a proposal , just that we'd setva date but he wanted to do it )

Yup I do believe that, DH proposed within a year (we were older when we got married). Generally I think when men find a woman they love they want her to be committed. I think a lot of men who don’t bother are basically just waiting for a better option, they may eventually get married but not with enthusiasm. It’s different if neither partner is fussed.

When theres a massive gap between what they say and how they treat you then you should walk away from whatever relationship it is.

Yes I believe this to be true. Looking back at my last LTR,it became increasingly obvious that he didn't want to spend time with me. When I challenged him about it one day,his response was to walk out and spend the rest of the day at his friend's house. He said he loved me frequently,but actions speak louder than words.

Not always because there has been so many times I have wanted to and haven’t.

Yes, absolutely

their behaviour will always show you how they feel about you

Why? Because in most instances the why boils down to you don’t want to / care enough

It's 100% true. People put effort in for things they want to. No exceptions.

Yes it’s true. Evidenced by the staggering number of men who don’t and then meet someone new and do, often very quickly.

I have a male friend who was with his partner for nearly 20 years, he had genuinely no interest in marriage or babies. They were both hippy creative types all art and travel and things and while she occasionally brought up marriage he wasn’t keen. They broke up, a year later he met someone new and he was adamant within a couple of dates he wanted to marry her, buy a house and have a handful of kids.

What haven’t you done?

If he wanted to, he would is bollocks. So many people, men and women, are paralysed with all sorts of worries and fears that stop them doing stuff.

I want to text my ex, I don’t. He’ll never know. Maybe he wants to text me, I will never know.

I believe it, but would look for patterns of behaviour, not judge someone on a single comment or single day. Everyone is human, fallible, has lousy days, says mean things in temper or spite and then regrets them at some point. Everyone is too tired or preoccupied at some point to behave with consideration towards people who deserve it.

But over the weeks/months/years, patterns emerge. DH has done and said some things which taken at face value would make MN pile on and say LTB. So have I. But over decades together as a couple and then raising DC, we have generally behaved in loving, thoughtful ways that benefit each other. We tolerate each other's foibles and call each other out if we start to take each other for granted.

Some things would be a non-starter, though. If a man was obsessed with porn or showed signs that he sees women as accessories to his life, or blew hot and cold emotionally or love bombed - those would have me running in the opposite direction after one date.

Yes 100%. I’ve known someone to be with a partner for 6-7 years and treated her terribly, they split and they met someone new and he’s been the best partner someone could ask for. Anyone can chat shit to you and promise the world, but if their actions aren’t matching up they’re just paying you lip service.

There’s been quite a few men I haven’t pursued things with or I haven’t made time or effort for them because I’ve often put what I want as a low priority.
I would always put my family first or one thing or another would hold me back.

Yes, I do believe this, especially in relation to men contacting women, wanting to spend time with them etc. If a man wants to see you he will move heaven and earth to make it happen.

Nobody is a mind reader, sure, so it’s not a bad sign if he doesn’t guess the specific thing you want him to do (that’s why you need to communicate). It’s more about his actions being clear evidence of what he wants.

I don't just think it's men, I think that generally people do what they want to do. Sometimes it is not possible, but in general, that's what they do.

I believe that more than I believe the sky is blue!