I don't feel appreciated by my fiance

[togo1004]

Hello Forum,
I've been dating my fiance for 2 years now, we've gotten engaged 2 months ago. For the most part our relationship is incredible on all fronts. He recently sat me down and told me that he needs more from me.
He said "You are the best woman I can ever ask for, but I think you can show me love in different ways, and you can talk to me on what I can improve as well. I feel that our responsibilities are uneven, I don't want to sit and count what we do on a daily, but I feel you can do a few things that can make me feel alot more loved"
I don't handle criticism very well and I immediately became defensive and said "You don't think I do alot? I do so much here I take care of the whole house"
He says "It's not what I mean, I know you do alot but maybe you can shift your focus, and by the way you do not take care of the entire home, I don't want to list what we do but let's list it for this discussion sake"
Then he took a pen and paper and started writing things down
What he does

1. Pay all of the bills: Food, property tax, maintenance, dates, vacation, medical, anything to do $ he covers all of it. (which is true)
2. He does the dishes
3. He takes the dog out, cleans out his pads every morning, cleans up the dog mess.
4. He cleans the bathroom including drain and toilet
5. He handles the food disposal (It's separate in this country and has to be discarded into a specific area that day)
6. He helps with cleaning (mopping the floor)
7. He also takes the trash+recycling (in this country we have to separate everything and can only take them out monday to a designated location)
8. cooks his own food

What I do

1. Laundry: Machine wash, fold, and organize them into drawers and closets
2. Cook my own food
3. Clean the house, organize on a regular basis.
4. Organize cabinets and drawers
5. I also work but I don't contribute to our living, as I make less than him and I have debt from before we met and is actively paying that off.

He feels burned out that he has barely any time to rest as he also works from 3pm to 1am (He works from home but often goes to the office and admitted to me that he goes there because he feels too distracted at home).
He says that he wishes that I woke up earlier (I do sleep quite alot I wake up around 1pm everyday), and he feels that I should handle all of the cooking and wishes that I cater to him a bit more.
He gave examples, he said that he wishes he's made him coffee in the AM along with breakfast, so that he's not running all over in the morning from cleaning the dog mess, preparing the dogs food, and looking at his work to see what happened while he was sleeping.
He wishes that when he's at the gym that I prepare his lunch for him so when he comes back he can just pick it up shower and go straigh to his office instead of cooking, showering, and doing other chore all at once.
I got defensive and defended myself and he kept saying that he isnt attacking me and that I'm already amazing but he feels the responsibilities are unbalanced a bit and would like a little more from me. I started crying hysterically and he tried to calm me down.
I told him that I do alot especially pick up after him. He has a habit of knocking things down like tooth paste and other things and leaves it knocked down, I don't think he realizes and he leaves things open. I told him I'm also doing these things and is very tiring, he said he does the same after me and that I often leave things open, drop things, but if he sees it he just closes them and picks them up as it's not a big deal and we as humans sometimes don't realize that we've left things open and knocked things down, I got really defensive and said I don't do those things and he said he literally closed all my closet door and picked up my socks from the floor and put them in the laundry basket this morning and he said that he cant believe that I think this is difficult as I do the same thing and that we as partners look after one another.
I don't know if I can handle the extra responsibilities. I feel like he was cornering me and telling me that I don't do enough I feel really unappreciated. He said that he was in a situation before when he wasn't contributing financially and lived with a friend and he took care of the entire house, cleaning and cooking and even grocery shopping (with his friends money) and did it happily because he felt it was good to make his life a bit easier and it would be really nice if I can do the same.
He said ok, in the AM you don't have to wake up, but when I'm at the gym and have to goto office I have to pack 2 things, a fruit/protein shake, which I blend in the blender and a small lunch. He does eat exactly the same food daily, for lunch its 100g of lamb meat, 100g of veggies and 100g of rice. The meat and veggies are frozen and can be just cooked on frying pan while he showers.
The issue is I need alot of sleep, I sleep same time as he does around 230am and he wakes up at 1030 everyday to goto gym and does morning chores as bringing delivered groceries in, and i usually wake up around when he's back from the gym and starts cooking and showering to goto office.
How do I handle this? I feel so tired and need help so I can maintain this relationship because I love him.

Every time you post it gets worse
are you in the UK

This has got to be rage bait..

My partner and I do not split finances evenly due to his higher income. I pay a portion of my wage and cover most of the petty bills like council, water, gas etc. However, I still expect him to do the bare minimum (putting washing on here and there, hoovering if he notices it’s messy etc.) but I honestly think that if he just cleaned up his own mess and organised a shelf once a week - we wouldn’t have lasted as long as we have.

It’s all well and good saying you have an iron deficiency but, ironically, a lot of people do and there’s both natural and medicinal ways to improve this. It’s not really an excuse because if you’re able to work, cook your own food and do things you enjoy then it’s ironic how your tiredness only runs out after you do what you want to do?

If your partner is doing the majority of the chores then that’s unfair - as it would be if this was the other way around. I don’t know how much debt you’re in but to still expect him to do everything when you don’t contribute is crazy - you’re just like a squatter/lodger basically?

again, this has got to be rage bait

Lazy is really relative. So is having a ‘clean’ or tidy house, everyone has different standards. I think your guy has a point though. Maybe there are things that could be more efficient? Then again, have you had your blood checked? Your sleeping pattern and energy levels are worrying. Why are you only looking at diet? Iron deficiency could be sign of other issues. Seeing a doctor and or dietician may be needed. If you are already zonked (but trying nonetheless) then stepping up might not be a possibility (and makes your defensiveness more understandable. Your partner put it really nicely imo. People on this forum are quick to judge so hope some better advice will come along.

And yes to getting thyroid tested.

On the off chance this thread is genuine,

1. Chicken rice and veg won't fix an iron deficiency, you need to get some proper treatment as it can be life threatening eg pernicious anaemia.
2. You're being very unreasonable expecting to do next to nothing round the house
3. Buying him a keyboard, WTF has that got to do with anything?

You sound like you need to overhaul your health and sleeping patterns and possibly have some counselling to look your response to your dp bringing up valid concerns.

See a doctor and get medication for your anaemia. I have iron deficiency but I still manage to get out of bed and feed animals etc.

Of course you can contribute if you have debt.
you have to be responsible and help with some bills whilst paying of your debt which is your responsibility

you can’t expect to live for free?

I could be barking at the wrong tree- if you are very overweight your oxygen levels could be dipping in the night hence you need so much sleep to feel rested. You really do need to see a doctor in my opinion to rule medical issues out

You need to be paying your own way, it’s only exacerbating him feeling like he’s doing everything. He is doing way more than his fair share of household things and you aren’t even financially contributing.

On these threads paying the bills is always some total minor detail, but only from the person NOT paying. I wonder how OP would be feeling if she was paying all the bills and whether it was still only some minor thing.

Can I have your life please??

So are your working hours 2-9pm or is it because your sleeping til 1pm. Easiest way to adjust is going to bed 9-9 surely???

the issue is I have a really hard time sleeping

You sleep 12 bloody hours a day ffs

Chicken, rice and veg are not high in iron. If your anaemia is so bad you are sleeping in until 4 it's not something you can fix with diet or over the counter medication. You need to see a doctor for prescription strength medication and get them to run tests to find out how anaemic you now are and rule out any other problems.

When you feel better you can start to take on a more even division of chores. At the moment you're both working (although he's taking on all the household expenses), but you might want to consider how you're going to divide things up going forward. You say he is traditional and wants to provide financially, will he be wanting you to become a SAHM at some point, where you will be taking on more of the housework and is that what you want?

I think you're the man and he's the woman. And this is a reverse so you're a man looking for sympathy.

You don't do as much as your DP. It's simple.

You either do more or you'll end up single when your DP has had enough and your relationship breaks down.

Sorry, but…

you sound really needy. You can’t sleep without your bf??

But you have a panic attack if he ever says anything negative or critical 🙄

you can’t look after yourself - you sleep from 2.30 am until sometimes 4pm? That’s not compatible with an adult life. And your iron is low?

Go to the bloody doctor like an adult. Don’t leave it to your bf

If you weren’t with your bf, how would you afford to rent a flat and look after yourself? Presumably you couldn’t.

So you should be really grateful to your bf and you should step up and do much more housework.

But you sound totally incompatible. I’d change things before your bf gets fed up with you and you split up. He’s telling you now that he wants you to do more. You should listen.

It's what I'm doing now, I've actually been working out for a week straight now, just doing body weight exercises.

We agreed that I will try to make dinner starting today, and that I will be less critical of him.

I work from around 2-9 ish everyday. My life is still hard as I do alot of chores in the house.

I understand it's a burden but paying bills doesn't require physical labor, it doesnt make you physically tired, so why can't he help more if im tired from doing more chores?

anyway we agree that ill make dinner everyday and that he will clean up after.

Why do you both have strange working hours and sleep patterns?

And how can you sleep so late eg 4pm? You say he has ti be near you when you sleep but I assume he isn’t in bed at 4pm.

Help more? Than all the daily chores he already does? While you list things like “organising drawers” on your chore list which is like a once in a blue moon job?

Good on him having a sit down chat like an adult man and woman should do. Sorry but if I did so little knowing my hubby works similar hours I would feel ashamed of myself and certainly wouldn't be crying. Grow up, be an adult and appreciate what you have and match it! You keep going on about yourself I would be drained living like that. For a man to actually want to discuss this and you already say it always exhausted etc then it's time to stop thinking of yourself and take some of the load like you should when a partner is struggling

Hard my arse. Try having children and still having to do the housework and go out to work at the same time. You are a grown adult that is acting like a spoiled child. As goes for low iron whoopee bloody do, eat a better diet or take the tablets. Both myself and my daughter struggle to keep our iron levels up a genetic problem we have. I worked 3 jobs 7 days a week, ran a house had had 3 children, my daughter has 3 children and works 60 hours a week. You are finding every excuse in the book.

Organising isn't really a regular job that needs doing. It sounds like you need to take responsibility for your own health in order to move forward. My partner has always had shitty sleeping and eating patterns and the resentment does start to creep in when someone can't consistently exercise and eat well. He started swimming again over the weekend and has been going for a 2 - 4 hour nap after a 30 minute swim. He'll wake up shortly and expect either I'll have cooked for us both, or he'll go get a takeaway as he can't be bothered to cook 🙄

On the face of it, your fiance has a point.
Have you seen a doctor as the amount of sleep seems extreme for someone young, fit and healthy.

You really could do with changing your routine ie getting up earlier and walking the dog so the poor animal doesn't need to crap on the floor. Between the two things you might get a bit more energy.

If you're a developer you must be earning a decent income so you should be contributing to the household. This traditional stuff is nonsense not least if you're not pulling your weight in the home. Your debt really shouldn't be his problem.

He's tried to discuss things with you, you need to take it on board and have a think how you can contribute more.

You must be quite hard work to live with. No wonder he isn't happy.