I don't feel appreciated by my fiance

[togo1004]

Hello Forum,
I've been dating my fiance for 2 years now, we've gotten engaged 2 months ago. For the most part our relationship is incredible on all fronts. He recently sat me down and told me that he needs more from me.
He said "You are the best woman I can ever ask for, but I think you can show me love in different ways, and you can talk to me on what I can improve as well. I feel that our responsibilities are uneven, I don't want to sit and count what we do on a daily, but I feel you can do a few things that can make me feel alot more loved"
I don't handle criticism very well and I immediately became defensive and said "You don't think I do alot? I do so much here I take care of the whole house"
He says "It's not what I mean, I know you do alot but maybe you can shift your focus, and by the way you do not take care of the entire home, I don't want to list what we do but let's list it for this discussion sake"
Then he took a pen and paper and started writing things down
What he does

1. Pay all of the bills: Food, property tax, maintenance, dates, vacation, medical, anything to do $ he covers all of it. (which is true)
2. He does the dishes
3. He takes the dog out, cleans out his pads every morning, cleans up the dog mess.
4. He cleans the bathroom including drain and toilet
5. He handles the food disposal (It's separate in this country and has to be discarded into a specific area that day)
6. He helps with cleaning (mopping the floor)
7. He also takes the trash+recycling (in this country we have to separate everything and can only take them out monday to a designated location)
8. cooks his own food

What I do

1. Laundry: Machine wash, fold, and organize them into drawers and closets
2. Cook my own food
3. Clean the house, organize on a regular basis.
4. Organize cabinets and drawers
5. I also work but I don't contribute to our living, as I make less than him and I have debt from before we met and is actively paying that off.

He feels burned out that he has barely any time to rest as he also works from 3pm to 1am (He works from home but often goes to the office and admitted to me that he goes there because he feels too distracted at home).
He says that he wishes that I woke up earlier (I do sleep quite alot I wake up around 1pm everyday), and he feels that I should handle all of the cooking and wishes that I cater to him a bit more.
He gave examples, he said that he wishes he's made him coffee in the AM along with breakfast, so that he's not running all over in the morning from cleaning the dog mess, preparing the dogs food, and looking at his work to see what happened while he was sleeping.
He wishes that when he's at the gym that I prepare his lunch for him so when he comes back he can just pick it up shower and go straigh to his office instead of cooking, showering, and doing other chore all at once.
I got defensive and defended myself and he kept saying that he isnt attacking me and that I'm already amazing but he feels the responsibilities are unbalanced a bit and would like a little more from me. I started crying hysterically and he tried to calm me down.
I told him that I do alot especially pick up after him. He has a habit of knocking things down like tooth paste and other things and leaves it knocked down, I don't think he realizes and he leaves things open. I told him I'm also doing these things and is very tiring, he said he does the same after me and that I often leave things open, drop things, but if he sees it he just closes them and picks them up as it's not a big deal and we as humans sometimes don't realize that we've left things open and knocked things down, I got really defensive and said I don't do those things and he said he literally closed all my closet door and picked up my socks from the floor and put them in the laundry basket this morning and he said that he cant believe that I think this is difficult as I do the same thing and that we as partners look after one another.
I don't know if I can handle the extra responsibilities. I feel like he was cornering me and telling me that I don't do enough I feel really unappreciated. He said that he was in a situation before when he wasn't contributing financially and lived with a friend and he took care of the entire house, cleaning and cooking and even grocery shopping (with his friends money) and did it happily because he felt it was good to make his life a bit easier and it would be really nice if I can do the same.
He said ok, in the AM you don't have to wake up, but when I'm at the gym and have to goto office I have to pack 2 things, a fruit/protein shake, which I blend in the blender and a small lunch. He does eat exactly the same food daily, for lunch its 100g of lamb meat, 100g of veggies and 100g of rice. The meat and veggies are frozen and can be just cooked on frying pan while he showers.
The issue is I need alot of sleep, I sleep same time as he does around 230am and he wakes up at 1030 everyday to goto gym and does morning chores as bringing delivered groceries in, and i usually wake up around when he's back from the gym and starts cooking and showering to goto office.
How do I handle this? I feel so tired and need help so I can maintain this relationship because I love him.

He is right, you aren’t pulling your weight. How can you be if you sleep until 1pm and start work at 2pm? It sounds like he has tried to discuss this with you in a very reasonable and respectful manner, which is probably more than I would do if my DH was behaving like this! You need to do more in the house. Go to bed earlier, get up earlier, do more and see the Dr about your sleep issues.

He's right, you're not pulling your weight and when he tried to sit down and have a sensible discussion about the division of labour, you started crying hysterically! That's very manipulative

Why do you not share meals, both cooking and eating, like a normal couple?

Why do you cook and eat separately? Eating together is an important part of human social relationships, and will be even more so if you have kids one day. It is an important time to talk and bond. Plus if you eat together, you don’t have to do so much cooking and washing up etc.

That poor dog.

Why is it left to pee and poo inside?

@SigourneyWeaversVest probably because they go to bed at 230 and get up at 1030/1

I started off thinking this was a wind up thread from a MRA. But I can also believe it's real. You sound just like my SIL (RIP). She never contributed financially because she was always in debt/pissing money up the wall, claimed she had to have 10+ hours of sleep a night and moaned about "doing everything" in the house, though everything couldn't have been much as it was a total shit hole. She insisted on getting a dog as she was such an animal lover but couldn't be arsed to walk it as she was "so exhausted" so gave it away as she was fed up with it pissing and shitting in the house. If her partner tried to remonstrate with her she would scream and cry hysterically about how unfair and horrible he was. So actually this story sounds painfully familiar.

Your partner is right. You are lazy. You are a scrounger. The pair of you are cruel to your dogs. FGS someone needs to be getting up and walking them not lying in bed until 1pm or swanning to the gym. Of course they are crapping in the house, poor things, and you have the nerve to moan about it!

You really need to pull yourself together. Go to the doctor, sort your sleep out. Make yourself get up, take dogs for walk first thing, you will be surprised how energised you will feel after some exercise and fresh air. Get a debt management programme sorted and look for a better paid job so you can shift the debt and pay a share of the bills. Cook together and take turns, cooking separately is loopy especially if you find chores so tiring. Do a housework rota - either an even split or proportionate to work hours/spare time you each have. Walk dogs again before bed. If you still can't cope with the pets, rehome them.

Honestly, none of this is difficult. A lot of folk work full time, cook and clean and look after children and pets and fit in social life and exercise. If there's two adults in the house those things must be shared fairly. You can do that too. You just need to ditch the defeatist "woe is me" attitude.

Don't be like my SIL. She was clever and funny but never got out of the rut and her partner and parents indulged her. She just wasted her life and died in her early 60s of sepsis. She had a chest infection and "couldn't be bothered" to go to the doctor until it was too late. Save yourself and build a better life for you and your fiance, if he sticks around.

Oh come on, is this a joke? You're so clearly in the wrong. Either this is a reverse or you're the most unreasonable CF around.

No, I think this a wind up. If not, you should be ashamed of yourself. No way can an adult woman be that self centred and oblivious to all her fiancé does around the home. He virtually does everything. No wonder he feels burnt out. You sound like very hard work. If I was you, I would keep hold of this man and listen to what he is telling you. You need to rectify the unfairly distributed duties and finances. Quite honestly, you don't deserve such devotion. All you do is see to your needs and wants. How have you managed to keep him for 2 years let alone convinced him to get engaged to you? I really feel for this man. I cannot believe you even need to ask if you are being unreasonable.

Stop relying on him so much op and grow up.
Women fort for 50 50 now some have they dont want it.

Just to add i call bs on this post no woman can be this deluded.

I agree i think its called princess syndrome if the post is true.
You know the kind that are raised without hearing the word no and never wrong.
All take no give.

Yeah, he’s doing too much and you’re not doing enough. And your debt from before isn’t his problem, contribute financially.

Just break up, OP. This relationship is doomed.

You do really need to sort out your health. Start by moving your bedtime and wake up time by an hour, do that for 2 weeks, then move it up another hour. Additionally go to the doctors and ask for a blood test, check iron and b12 as a minimum. Start taking supplements.

It is not normal to be so tired and overwhelmed by normal daily tasks.

It is complex when one person. Has personal debt but the set up of you not contributing anything to the joint life is going to cause resentment. Saving hime time is a really reasonable way ro support. I have no option for overtime in my role, my husband does. Whe. He takes this on, I do more things to save him time (like cooking his work lunches) because its a good kind way to acknowledge his contribution.

Finally, work on being less reactive. Sounds like he brought this up kindly and clearly and yet you still got defensive and upset. That's not going to work out long term. You need to be able to communicate with him, not just get upset.

My dogs are usually alone for 8 hours or so overnight if I go to bed at 11pm and am up again at 7am. They have a toilet trip last thing before bed and first thing in the morning and never have to use pads or sleep in their own waste. If the OP is up until 2.30am and her boyfriend gets up at 10.30am, that’s also 8 hours and any healthy dog can manage that.

It sounds like they’re just purposely neglecting the dog regardless of their work and bed times and either not training the poor dog, or purposely leaving it for long periods so it has no choice but to poo and pee inside.

Disgusting treatment of a helpless animal.

we get along really well, I have low iron and he's been trying to fix my diet and life style for years and I'm finally coming around to it. He's forcing me to eat meats and veggies and less dairy and coffee.

I'm just really so so tired physically like today I woke up at 4:00 pm...

The dog is very old and has a hard time walking outside so we have pee and poo pad. He walks her daily for 20-30 minutes after dinner. The dog unfortunately misses the pad often and he mops and soaps the veranda.

I'm really not lazy, I made his apartment into a really cozy warm home by decorating and I've also done things for him like getting him an arm pad for his computer and a new keyboard.

He is one of those people also who kind of hoards things, he doesn't see anything wrong with using old things as long as it works and it's comfortable but I upgraded his set up for him too.

He’s not wrong at all but also you need medical attention!! An adult needing to wake up at 4pm is not normal, nor is 1pm you likely have a medical condition or disability assuming you’re not just really lazy which I assume not based on your surprise!

have you ever lived alone? How did you manage then.

We often eat at different times, he's into body building so he eats literally 5-6 times a day and he eats the same thing everyday which I cannot do.

Tonight however I cooked, and we had chicken rice and veggies :). He's kind of forcing me to eat foods rich in iron because I have a deficiency

the issue is I have a really hard time sleeping, and I cannot sleep if he's not next to me for some reason. I do have iron deficiency, my diet is really poor so we're working on fixing that, the issue is I'm a very picky eater.

We got into so many arguments over my diet and I finally gave in and started working out and eating better.

He doesn't mind taking care of things financially, he's a bit of a traditional man but he says that the way he feels loved is if I can make him a meal or two per day to save him time.

I have an issue with criticism and get panic attacks when he has a talk with me and I'm trying to work on that now..

This is a completely hypothetical question but if the tables were turned completely, ie you were the sole breadwinner and did numbers 1-8 of what your partner does and vice versa, would you think it was fair?
I think he has a totally valid point. There’s two of you. You can’t have that much laundry to do a week and what on earth is organising the drawers and cupboards?!
I think you need to listen to him and also see a GP re your low iron levels etc.

It does sound like you may have some underlying health issues that need addressing. I would speak to your doctor and get your thyroid but also different vitamin and mineral levels tested. It could also be food intolerances that are wiping your energy levels, it would be worth exploring. Even if you’ve always been like this it could mean there’s been something wrong for years - 11 hours a night is not normal, it sounds like chrnoic fatigue.

It doesn’t sound like the chore levels are entirely fairly divided at a glance as his jobs are daily jobs and some of yours sound more once or twice a week but I may be getting that wrong. What I would suggest is perhaps tracking how much time you are spending cleaning - if you are waking at 1pm and working from 2-9pm when are you doing chores and for how long? If you spend 30mins a day hoovering write it down. I have a very messy toddler so do a quick hoover downstairs most days but only do a thorough hoover and upstairs once or twice a week, before a toddler I didn’t need a daily hoover. How many loads of laundry a week, how long do you spend on hanging stuff out, putting them away, making beds. Dusting etc… If you feel you do the lions share track it for a week and give it to him!

I would personally draw the line and coffees and cooking three meals a day - I would get the major ick if a man expected me to make him breakfast and lunch every day, I’d prefer to take on extra work and pay my share than be a man’s live in servant. There’s a hint of master/servant dynamics there! I cook for my partner, he cooks for me, we eat the same food though. There’s no cooked lunches or making things specific for one person. My partner is the main earner but he doesn’t expect a servant.

Sounds to me like you have some major issues going on. Iron deficiency at the level you have needs medical treatment not diet. Have you had any blood tests done as it could be thyroid also.

You do not see yourself as others and your fiance see you. I think a bit of therapy might help.

Oh i bet you are laughing your head off OP. You need to get off your arse and start pulling your weight.