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Original poster

Fukkkkk

45 replies

AJ19 · 13/06/2025 00:24

Hey,

Please don’t judge, I’m just here for some advice/help.
I’m 40 I’ve been in a relationship for 22 years, 2 children one an adult one nearly. Teenager.
I love my partner dearly, he’s been my life for more than I’ve been without him. I honestly am not sure how I’d cope without him..He’s a very good guy but difficult guy, doesn’t really show emotions very stern I’d say. We’ve had a good relationship ups and downs and probably over the last 3 years things have been more tense/argumentative or just silence. Improves more recently..
I don’t really have friends so can’t talk/discuss or get opinions on this, but I’ve recently noticed him looking a lot at women on tik tok, and whilst lay in bed next to him have seen him on girls sex chat cams and commenting on them whilst they are doing their videos or watching sexy lives on tik tok. He obvs thinks I’m sleeping and can’t see. He follows tonnes of girls with big boobs pretty girls on instagram and in the last 12 months has come of fb as says he was hacked.he zooms in on girls bits to see nipples or any sign of vaginas.

We have a good sex life, I’m more initiating than him, but that concerns me to sometimes whether I’m just not attractive to him anymore?

I feel quite numb from it. I’ve not said anything just the odd comment of looking at girls again, and he just says don’t be jealous.

Thing is I’m open with stuff if he wants to watch porn or show me a pretty girl with big boobs that’s cool, it’s more the secretive behaviour and the main thing is commenting on live sex shows on girls whilst lay next to me that gets me, I’m gutted but I just don’t know what to do!?

If I approach the subject he’ll get defensive and argue and say fuk it and just probably be like that’s it leave it and not speak for weeks , if I ignore it it’s driving me insane and can’t stop thinking what else he’s commenting on or who he’s talking too.

Has he just grown out of love for me? Am I being to sensitive? I just need some different opinions

Fuk man why does this happen?

TIA

A

OP posts:
ClaudiaAndHerFringe · 13/06/2025 00:31

We have a good sex life, I’m more initiating than him, but that concerns me to sometimes whether I’m just not attractive to him anymore?

Why are you blaming yourself for his inappropriate, creepy, pervy and disrespectful behaviour? I don't see anything attractive in him. He's an old habit. Not a partner.

You had children very young which tied you to him and you don't know any other way of life. Without children it'd probably have fizzled out.

This can't be the first instance of inappropriate behaviour surely? He's a disgusting rat.

BasilandTom · 13/06/2025 00:32

He hasn’t ’grown out of love’ with you. Sounds like he hasn’t grown and matured at all.
The fact that he watches cams and porn whilst laying next to you shows he has zero respect for you or your feelings.
You need to talk with him and explicitly set your boundaries around what is and isn’t acceptable to you. People will change and unfortunately you have to have constant dialogue on where each other is at and if you’re still compatible.
I don’t want to sound patronising but you need to be brave and have this difficult conversation, and if the result is that you hear some uncomfortable things, you need to stand your ground and leave him or decide what you can tolerate.

INeedAnotherName · 13/06/2025 00:50

and whilst lay in bed next to him have seen him on girls sex chat cams and commenting on them whilst they are doing their videos

That is inappropriate, disrespectful and a lot of other words that aren't good. Why do you think this is acceptable behaviour for a good, mutually respectful relationship? I'm trying to figure out your mindset here.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 13/06/2025 00:50

He’s not a nice guy. I’d bin hiim, he’s a creepy ole perv

TheAvidWriter · 13/06/2025 01:08

This behavior is entirely on him and has zero reflection on you.

What concerns me is the lack of respect form women, and the lack of respect for you. I would try and focus on what your advise would be if this was your daughter asking you what to do in this scenario, and it should not be to stick it out due to 22 years together.

pikkumyy77 · 13/06/2025 02:01

I agree with the others. He is not a basically nice guy with occasional issues. He is selfish and rude, he doesn’t respect you and twenty years is too long to waste on him. Don’t waste 21.

2021x · 13/06/2025 02:21

OP the question here is what do you want?

He isn't going to change, there isn't any reason for him to. You are making it easy for him to not take responsibility for his actions.

I don't think you need to LTB, but it would benefit you to stop focusing on him and focus on you and what you need, and want. I would start with him sleeping on the couch while he chooses to behave sooo disrespectfully towards you in your bedroom.

GreatTheCat · 13/06/2025 03:14

Urgh. What a disgusting horrible man!

Why are you with him?

Guavafish1 · 13/06/2025 03:51

Most men watch porn

do he pay for the Cam girls? Just next time wake up and ask him what he’s doing.

Robertsmithsnan · 13/06/2025 04:07

Grim!

ByCalmLemonOP · 13/06/2025 05:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Fitasafiddle1 · 13/06/2025 05:44

Op he is repugnant and this is nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. There is lo coming back from this level of disrespect.

Sosostressedandanxious · 13/06/2025 05:59

Thing is I’m open with stuff if he wants to watch porn or show me a pretty girl with big boobs that’s cool,

Tbh OP i think you have double standards: you say you are happy your partner watching porn. You are happy for him to show you the wonen that get him off.
So you know he gets his sexual kicks from other women and you dont mind .

So honestly if you dont expect him to be satisfied sexually with just you and you know he isn't why is this such a big deal?
.
It seems pretty normal behaviour for the relationship you have.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 13/06/2025 06:00

If I approach the subject he’ll get defensive and argue and say fuk it and just probably be like that’s it leave it and not speak for weeks

He's training you not to challenge him. The silent treatment is emotional abuse as is lying next to you and talking to sex workers.

His behaviour is out of control and he's very disrespectful. You need to end the relationship.

ChocolateGanache · 13/06/2025 06:08

you deserve way better op.
ltb.

Lucyliesdown · 13/06/2025 06:17

So to be clear, you have already made him aware of all the above? And he just got defensive and angry?

DeSoleil · 13/06/2025 06:33

I can’t ever imagine laying in bed next to my husband whilst he is watching live sex workers perform degrading acts!

The fact he is watching this repulsive content is bad enough, but go actually do it whilst you’re next to him, beggars belief.

You must have little to no self worth if this continues.

alikelylass · 13/06/2025 06:40

OP,
If I approach the subject he’ll get defensive and argue and say fuk it and just probably be like that’s it leave it and not speak for weeks ,

^^ These are not the actions of a "good guy".

Please raise the bar !

SamDeanCas · 13/06/2025 06:43

I presume he’s having to pay to watch these cam girls?

Foreverm0re · 13/06/2025 06:58

whilst lay in bed next to him have seen him on girls sex chat cams and commenting on them whilst they are doing their videos or watching sexy lives on tik tok.

There will be people on here who say it doesn’t bother them, but this would be the dealbreaker for me. Not acceptable at all.

MyMindIsSoLoud · 13/06/2025 07:02

whilst lay in bed next to him have seen him on girls sex chat cams and commenting on them

At this point I’d have sat up and said ‘WTF do you think you are doing?’.
I couldn’t have continued to lie there pretending to be asleep. Awful, disrespectful behaviour.
He’s a shit. So sorry op Flowers

Lighttheflame · 13/06/2025 07:09

Watching sexy videos next to you, and not involving or engaging you in any way is really low behaviour. It’s plain rude and inconsiderate, apart from anything else!

But I’m very interested in the fact he ‘doesn’t speak to you for weeks’ - as someone previously said, this is definitely emotional abuse, whether he’s aware of that or not.

How does he handle other disagreements in your relationship? Who is the one that has to fix things, and make up again - does he eventually apologise?

OP I’m sensing that there are deeper issues in your relationship, but it’s hard to get clarity when you’ve been together so long and it’s all you know…

I’m in my 40’s too and personally I found therapy extremely helpful at this age, as I was able to speak completely freely about a number of things in my life that were troubling me, and it has been a revelation. I’ve made some changes for the better.

So my advice to you would be find some talking therapy, and invest in your own wellbeing first, which will give you some context to figure out whether this relationship is still working for you x

Lucyliesdown · 13/06/2025 07:10

Do you have daughters op?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 13/06/2025 07:18

Lighttheflame · 13/06/2025 07:09

Watching sexy videos next to you, and not involving or engaging you in any way is really low behaviour. It’s plain rude and inconsiderate, apart from anything else!

But I’m very interested in the fact he ‘doesn’t speak to you for weeks’ - as someone previously said, this is definitely emotional abuse, whether he’s aware of that or not.

How does he handle other disagreements in your relationship? Who is the one that has to fix things, and make up again - does he eventually apologise?

OP I’m sensing that there are deeper issues in your relationship, but it’s hard to get clarity when you’ve been together so long and it’s all you know…

I’m in my 40’s too and personally I found therapy extremely helpful at this age, as I was able to speak completely freely about a number of things in my life that were troubling me, and it has been a revelation. I’ve made some changes for the better.

So my advice to you would be find some talking therapy, and invest in your own wellbeing first, which will give you some context to figure out whether this relationship is still working for you x

This. 💯

Onwardsandupwards2025 · 13/06/2025 07:19

His behaviour is vile! Throw this one back in the sea