Fukkkkk

[AJ19]

Hey,

Please don’t judge, I’m just here for some advice/help.
I’m 40 I’ve been in a relationship for 22 years, 2 children one an adult one nearly. Teenager.
I love my partner dearly, he’s been my life for more than I’ve been without him. I honestly am not sure how I’d cope without him..He’s a very good guy but difficult guy, doesn’t really show emotions very stern I’d say. We’ve had a good relationship ups and downs and probably over the last 3 years things have been more tense/argumentative or just silence. Improves more recently..
I don’t really have friends so can’t talk/discuss or get opinions on this, but I’ve recently noticed him looking a lot at women on tik tok, and whilst lay in bed next to him have seen him on girls sex chat cams and commenting on them whilst they are doing their videos or watching sexy lives on tik tok. He obvs thinks I’m sleeping and can’t see. He follows tonnes of girls with big boobs pretty girls on instagram and in the last 12 months has come of fb as says he was hacked.he zooms in on girls bits to see nipples or any sign of vaginas.

We have a good sex life, I’m more initiating than him, but that concerns me to sometimes whether I’m just not attractive to him anymore?

I feel quite numb from it. I’ve not said anything just the odd comment of looking at girls again, and he just says don’t be jealous.

Thing is I’m open with stuff if he wants to watch porn or show me a pretty girl with big boobs that’s cool, it’s more the secretive behaviour and the main thing is commenting on live sex shows on girls whilst lay next to me that gets me, I’m gutted but I just don’t know what to do!?

If I approach the subject he’ll get defensive and argue and say fuk it and just probably be like that’s it leave it and not speak for weeks , if I ignore it it’s driving me insane and can’t stop thinking what else he’s commenting on or who he’s talking too.

Has he just grown out of love for me? Am I being to sensitive? I just need some different opinions

Fuk man why does this happen?

TIA

A

I doubt it has anything to do with you. He's almost certainly always been a pig and just did a better job of hiding it and there could be various reasons for that (the relationship's so established that he doesn't think you'll leave him, he's realised you'll put up with a lot more than he originally thought, he's become more lazy or busy or whatever over time - who knows!) Even if you're absolutely cool with the porn, though, this guy also (1) routinely lies to you, including about stuff you've actually SAID you wouldn't mind as long as he was honest about it, (2), gaslights you, e.g., by claiming you're "just jealous" when you criticize his extreme rudeness (and possibly by extension his extremist misogyny) and (3) goes for weeks - WEEKS! - without speaking to you to punish you for daring to try to discuss something he does that upsets you. Objectively, do you think this a good and healthy and mutually beneficial relationship, or that the two of you could realistically work together to make it so?

OP please find a counsellor you can talk to, you need to get this out in the open so you can see this is not right on any level.

I think you are trying to be the “cool wife” here, being ok with porn etc

The reality is, it’s not cool. Porn hub has had to take the vast majority of its content down for being non consensual or underage and a lot of these women and girls are trafficked.

There is nothing remotely cool about the commodification of women’s bodies.

He is gross old pervert. I couldn’t remain in a relationship with him.

hey,
thanks for all your comments, I am just so fukin gutted (sorry for the language) I just don’t know how to approach the conversation, I hate arguing and I’m not good with confrontations, I think ultimately it’s because I’m scared as I’ve never know life without him and if it comes to that how I’ll manage and what that future looks like. I’m thinking of seeing a counsellor although I have never like the idea of talking, I am more of a bury my head in the sand person as you can all see.
it’s the talking to people on lives/sex cams that is getting at me more than it all, what he’s saying or what he is thinking, I really wish I could find out urghhh
I just feel sick, I’ve barely slept, I feel like crying constantly I’m just absolutely gutted by it!

Why do people do this!?

Watching porn isn’t an issue it’s the interaction which bothers me the snidey way of doing it and how often he does. I’m not sure he pays I haven’t a clue 😔

You're going to have to work on your assertiveness if you want a healthy relationship. How is anyone supposed to know how you feel if you don't speak up?

However this is beyond a simple communication problem. He does know how you feel, he just doesn't care. I wonder how he'd feel if you were lying next to him in bed sexting and watching blokes getting off.

It’s not double standard and I don’t watch porn or look at women with him, it’s more of an off the tongue joke. I am realistic and feel most men will access porn at some point, some more than others. Interacting with people is a different level for me.

Raise your standards op. This is completely unacceptable behaviour. Your partner clearly does not respect you. This is not normal behaviour. Find your anger and self respect. Why on earth are you tolerating this? I would dump him immediately, the nerve of him.

I haven’t spoken to him yet about it yet

I really wish I did my heart was pounding. I’m considering waiting and trying to catch him again but it’s mentally draining me 😞

I mean this is a classic escalation and pattern of behaviour of men who watch porn..he can still find you hot and also find other women hot and also enjoy watching and perving on other women. He is a lustful person. The biggest problem is you walking on eggshells around him and then the dilent treatment when you speak out your mind.

don't look for security in your appearance from him, you have to find your self confidence regardless of how he behaves.

If I approach the subject he’ll get defensive and argue and say fuk it and just probably be like that’s it leave it and not speak for weeks ,

What's this referring to?

Yuck he's a sleazy creep, no way could I be intimate with such a person !

Just tell him that you've gone right off him and it's not working for you anymore.

@AJ19 I’m the same as you, I’m very relaxed normally. I’m realistic that my H will be turned on by big boobed porn stars, it’s a natural bodily reaction. I don’t need it shoved in my face but at the same time I would rather he was honest and then initiate something with me if he was aroused. Problem is your partner is sitting next to you, ignoring you, and still engaging with a specific individual. It’s insulting and doesn’t add to your relationship, it takes away from it. It makes you insecure and uncomfortable. And understandably so.

I would be having serious words. Either if you see him doing it again, or on a ‘we need a serious talk’ vibe. Lay out your boundaries and say that he is crossing them. If he continues to, it will negatively affect the way you see him and your relationship.

It sounds like he’s starting to get an addiction to this type of material and is needing more and more to satisfy his craving. This can escalate to sex workers etc so you need to raise it now. He might even be relieved to have a red line.

Exactly this. This is how I feel. I don’t think it’s something he would physical go and do, and seek sexual contact with another individual but your right I understand it can escalate and become a bigger problem. It’s just really finding the way of approaching the subject and being ready for the excuses that follows, or the brush off don’t be jealous every man does it comments, when I know dam right they don’t.

I know I need to speak to him about it whether that’s catching him out or having a chat but it’s so hard I know I’ll just be an emotional mess.

i appreciate your advice
thanks ☺️

I just know him

@AJ19 a lot of men lack empathy. Ask him how he would feel if you signed up to OnlyFans and followed specific men on there and told them how big their c*ck is and how much you would love to see it.

I think he’ll get the difference. If he doesn’t do it! 😂

It didn't sound like a joke: you said you were ok with him watching porn and showing you the women he fancied.

Personally I would end a relationship if I found my partner watched porn. And if he was perving on other women.

But you said you were OK.with it. So its a blurred line you are presenting as to what behaviour is acceptable to you and what isn't.

Sorry OP, you need to either "tinkle or get off the pot".

You need to make your mind up what's acceptable to you and what's not and let him know.

No-one here can actually advise you until you know what you want for yourself.

I would not be cool with a partner showing me photos of "pretty" girls with big boobs. Don't talk up edited Tiktok posers and talk yourself down. Get rid of this guy. Not all men are like this, even if many are.

OMG kick him out!! Im No prude by any means but what he is doing is not ok. I'm taken aback by his brazen attitude Mr Big Balls doing it in front of you that's just disrespectful on another level.