New man hasn’t asked about kids

[Lovehearts92]

Hello

am I over reacting? I feel it’s a red flag. Been dating someone for a couple of months now.

i have a young DD and he knows this. I’m very open when he asks what I’m doing, I make sure I say that I’m with my DD at the park, shopping, cinema etc.

however he hasn’t once asked me about DD. Doesn’t know name, age, anything.

he says he sees this going somewhere and he really likes me but I can’t help but feel it’s a red flag. My DD is my world and I expect someone to take an interest if they see this progressing into a long term relationship.

my friends have said maybe he feels uncomfortable asking as we’re still getting to know each other.

I haven’t been in the dating game for that long follow my split with EXH of 9 years so I’m a bit out of touch with everything. He’s been single for 12 years and hasn’t dated anyone with children before.

What do others think?

A couple of months can be casual. There is not a time frame to these things. If they want to be exclusive/ in a LTR presumably they have spoke about it already however OP doesn’t say.

She also said dating, not in a relationship. So it could still be casual.

All the more reason why not being interested in DD is perfectly normal.

Yes if it’s a casual thing or secretly he’s just in it for sex it’s normal he hasn’t asked.

Exactly. He's probably being cautious. It's eight weeks.

He must know her name. Surely when you talk about her you refer to her by name.

I think the entire opposite. If he wants a proper relationship he will be taking a position with a child and should be interested in her. I say this as a step parent (25 years in). I knew from day one that dss was the No1 priority of DH (which made me fall for him more). I wanted to have a good relationship with dss from the off and knew when he was with us that it revolved around him to some extent. I spent a lot of time getting to know about dss before we met and then getting to know him.
I saw DSs as a bonus to our relationship and loved getting to be involved with a gorgeous child. DH would have dumped me if I wasn't interested and I would have agreed with this decision. I have never been hyper involved (he has 2 parents ) but I've always been really interested

I would see this as a major red flag.

OP- you should broach the subject of your daughter to him. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. Yes there’s a happy medium (ie he shouldn’t be asking in detail about her all the time) but if he doesn’t bother following your comments about plans with your daughter up at all, I’d be upfront and honest and ask if he really wanted to be with someone who had “strings attached” ie a child.

A similar thing happened to a lady I know in a relationship. He pretended he was fine with her having a 7 year old at the time, then 3 months in after not ever mentioning her daughter she asked him how he really felt about her having kids now that a couple of months had passed and he’d shown absolutely no interest and not asked a single thing. He admitted he thought he could cope with the idea of her daughter (they hadn’t met) but realised he couldn’t. He had kept quiet and didn’t want
to say anything as he was enjoying their time together so much. He also said a few other things that I won’t repeat, but essentially it was in the vein of “having a child together one day wouldn’t be special as you already have one” what a catch eh.

they broke up and she later met her now husband who behaved in a much better manner when he found out she had children. Not being nosy but just following up when she took the lead on talking about her daughter.

My point being that people can change their minds despite knowing from the start their date has children.

If he wants a proper relationship

I would see this as a major red flag.

It's quite a leap from not wanting a "proper realtionship" to red flag! Two months already is a relationship AFAIC.

Not wanting a family doesn't make you Wayne Cousins.

He was enjoying the sex, more like. Tosser.

What's Wayne Cousins got to do with it! That's a leap from yourself, there.

This. There are men who target single mothers to get at their kids. It's good hevis interested in you not your little girl, unless of course it's a bluff. Either way, no new partner should be introduced to your daughter for at least a year,; and he's being entirely appropriate focusing on you not your child at only two months in.

Maybe he doesn't want to seem too interested in a little girl.

Maybe he has no idea how to start that conversation due to lack of experience and would find it helpful if you did.

Maybe he's been advised to tread very carefully there until you decide it's time to introduce them.

Maybe he genuinely doesn't think anything about her and doesn't get how she's central to your life, not him.

We don't know.

And until you actually open a frank and confident conversation with this point that matters to you, neither will you.

Ha, yes.

Well whatever the behaviors a "red flag" warn us of.

I agree with this.

It's beyond weird that you've never mentioned any of this yourself. He asks what you're doing and you reply that you're with your daughter, but never mention her name...? You didn't mention her age when you first met and started chatting?!

He sounds like he's following your lead of leaving your daughter out of your relationship for the time being. If him not asking is a red flag, then so is you not mentioning it. Perhaps you can wave your red flags together.

weird comment RE couzens

also a proper relationship differs from person to person. Just because two months is official for you doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone.

I'd think he was only wanting a casual relationship, at least for now, so your daughter is rightfully irrelevant

Yes. I'm saying there's no red flag here. He might have a different idea of a "proper relationship" to the OP, as you.say that naturally differs between people. That's not a red flag.

Far from being a red flag, lack of interest in other people's kids is pretty normal for men.

Yeah OP definitely needs to ask him what their relationship actually is…more communication is needed for sure

Gosh maybe Im weird then. I never talk about my kids, or theirs, for good reason. I like to get to know the person - not them as a dad and me as a mum.

It never occurred to me this was odd. Me and my new boyfriend are just talking about us, and focussing solely on getting to know each other as individuals. Its nice!

I would imagine he’s following your lead. If you’ve mentioned having a child but have never yet mentioned their name or age he probably thinks you are keeping that private for now.

It’s only been a couple of months, it’s not that long. The two of you are still getting to know each other.

I can imagine the flip side of this - a man asking questions about the child and the woman complaining that he’s supposed to be dating her not the kids, that he’s a boyfriend not a step father, etc.

Two months isn’t long, and if you’re open about what you are doing etc, perhaps you’ve given him lots of info.

The poor bloke can’t win really. If he asked lots of questions, he maybe seen as over-interested, but by not asking questions, he’s considered uninterested.

@Morningsleepin crikey! you seem to have not only completely missed the point, but flipped it 180 where you are suggesting that OP would be better off if the new partner expressed an interest in her DD. Head shake needed for you.