Compliments; how important are they withing a relationship?

[PunishmentRoundupWithJoon]

How often does your partner compliment you? On anything, not necessarily on how you look. On absolutely anything. And how important are compliments to you, within a relationship?

I know everyone is different, and we need different things to thrive in a relationship, but am trying to sort my own feelings out here and just looking for other people's experiences, or thoughts.

Or how do you feel 'noticed' by your partner?

Apologies for typo in thread title!

I have a boyfriend as opposed to a partner, so we don't live together which I am sure helps with the compliments as he compliments me on my appearance every time he sees me or if I cook something for him.

British men have got a reputation for taking women for granted when they live with them which is why I always feel better living apart and dating.

@Poopeepoopee - thank you for your reply. It's lovely to hear that your boyfriend compliments you. My partner and I don't live together either, and although he's a genuinely wonderful person, the lack of attention in some ways is beginning to get to me. I vacillate between yearning for the kind of attention that's not present (compliments, etc) and telling myself to be grateful for the security of a wonderful relationship in which we trust each other implicitly. Feeling conflicted at the moment.

Not so much compliments (LOOONG marriage here) but feeling approval and gratitude every day. "That was lovely, thank you" after a meal, or even a cup of tea! Simple things like that.

Does he say thank you if you cook for him/give him a lift/ generally make his life easier?

Does he look pleased to see you?

@TeaAndStrumpets - Oh, that was a timely reminder that he does things like that! Says thank you after a cup of tea, etc. I need to remember such things...He's always been brilliant at please and thank you. Which means a lot after previous partners!

@GuevarasBeret - Yes, he's very good in that department. He's a lovely bloke. Not rude at all. I think it's just that we are different and show our love in different ways. Which I am aware of, and have always made allowances for. But the almost complete absence of compliments is noticeable now and I know if I don't address it, it won't resolve on its own.

Mine does multiple times daily if I'm honest in some way or another eg this can be on cooking , how I mange the kids , appearance, or even planning stuff or personal accomplishments. Some of them mean more to me then others like last night when he told me how brilliant he thinks I've handled a very stressful situation and kept everything else going on around it it lifted my spirits so much. Looks wise there was one recently where I got dressed up and he was actually like ' wow you look amazing ' and I could actually feel it from him so that meant alot 6 years in 😍

I compliment my wife most days, usually regarding how she looks, or her hair, or if she smells nice. We've been together over 20 years. If I remember rightly, it wasn't that unusual to hear my dad complimenting my mam.

I've been with my DH for over 35 years. He still compliments me on my appearance, that I smell nice, on my nails (when I've had a manicure), that my skin looks glowing, that I look fresh (usually after a good night's sleep which isn't often) when I wear something new he notices and comments, when I'm wearing a colour that suits me and also when I've had a hair cut, he notices and says something positive.

He also compliments when I make a cup of tea, that my tea tastes nicer than his, and says thank you for making it, says thank you for meals I prepare, how tasty it was etc, even if I just make him a sandwich, he says thank you and gives compliments.

Thinking about it, he says thank you and/or gives compliments on most things. I also reciprocate. I guess it's just part of the foundation of our relationship. I can't imagine being with someone who didn't compliment me or say thank you for even the smallest of things like making a cup of tea, or doing each other's ironing.

@Coffeislife - That is so lovely. And affirming. How do you feel when he does that? And do you feel it somehow, I don't know, enriches your relationship?

I get the occasional "nice dress" (but never "you look nice in that dress", it's always the clothes rather than me) and that's about it. And it's demoralising.

Do you compliment him? Often these things are an exchange.

Totally this. A "thanks" is fine but an actual compliment would make me think that aliens had taken over 😂

@Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake - bloody hell, yes! About everything. Always have. Maybe I even go overboard at times. It's like a form of compensation. But it's very easy for me to do that as there's so much I like about him. I don't think he's that fussed about compliments though.

I think it does To be honest, my previous marriage was abusive so the compliments kind of make me feel secure and sometimes even when I'm second guessing myself

This is a very timely thread! I never receive compliments from my partner, despite getting lots from other people- even relative strangers. I don’t need to hear someone tell me I look amazing everyday, but on occasions when we go out together it would be good to hear. It’s just affirms that our relationship is on its last legs.

@LaLaLoca I could've written your post, sadly. I'm in the same boat.

My partner compliments me a lot - about how I look but also about things I’ve done, or how I’ve handled something. I do the same to him.

It builds up “credit” in the relationship bank, I think? Makes tougher times, or irritations less likely to explode because there’s a good foundation of knowing we really like a lot of things about each other.

Lots of compliments here, most days I would say either about looking lovely or he’ll say he liked the meal I cooked, says I’ve done something well at work (if I’ve shared that etc). He also calls me ‘a good egg’ which I find adorable. It’s part of our communication style I think. We’re very happy, together 9 years.

Loads! He's the sort of person who gives compliments easily and is quite comfortable accepting them. It took me a bit of time to get used to, because in my family of origin complimenting children was considered likely to lead to vanity and my first husband replicated this behaviour pattern so every nice thing he said to me had a sting in the tail.

Not so many compliments but definitely thank you and please and appreciation for what I did.

@LaLaLoca - That's sad to hear. It's hard on the self esteem to not feel appreciated. Yes, not every day, but occasionally it's heartening to know that we've been noticed. It's always odd when I get a compliment from a stranger or and acquaintance, but I'd much rather hear it from my partner!

My partner and compliments, goes like this:

I’ve applied makeup, had hair blow dried, perhaps in new stylish clothes - I get nothing.

I am unwashed with dried snot on my face and matted hair: “oh you look beautiful!”

wtf??

Yeah words of affirmation are my love language. I need it in droves to be happy - and I give it, organically. My exDH complimented me heaps phsycially, but was always criticising me as a person - which was demoralising and abusive. My current DP does both and lifts me up, and I him, so it works (we both have the same love language). its awesome when you find someone who matches.