Why cheat?

[Notabellend]

What is missing from a relationship to make others cheat? I don’t cheat but for those that have been through it, I am sorry. What changed in the relationship? Why do you think it happened. No judgement here. We are all human.

I've noticed it is normally the person who feels most insecure in a relationship that cheats and that they normally cheat with someone less attractive than their partner. So self esteem issues i guess.

There isn't a simple answer. Opportunity, sexual incontinence, selfishness, punishment etc

For me the relationship has ended when someone cheats (regardless of how long it takes them to be caught out). They have mentally detached themselves and moved to another woman, or returned to singledom and ONS.

If the relationship is truly lacking then ENM is one solution and can be acceptable. (YMMV)

Because people want to have their cake and eat it.

Because marriage becomes stale and they are bored of their routine.

Because they think with the wrong head and go for a chance when they get one.

Because they think they can get away with it.

There are so many reasons.

I was the cheated on one. There is no one reason.

I think there are lots of reasons. Falling in love with someone else, being in an abusive/controlling relationship and wanting to escape, falling out of love and an opportunity arises, infinite reasons I imagine!

I can’t say I’ve noticed that people cheat with less attractive people than their partners, I would say the opposite but I have a very small sample size.

In my social group, one cheated (a kiss), and their partner forgave them and they went on to get married and have children. Two cheated and have now been with their new partners longer than the original relationship and are married with children. One cheated (one night stand), and they broke up and went on to meet other people. Having known the cheating partners, I wouldn’t say it was black and white at all.

I think people cheat for sexual validation. Men seem to cheat down and women cheat up in terms of looks.

Because I gave birth.

For me, it was lack of physical intimacy with little or no prospect of things changing.

Of course, I should have simply left, but after years of not being kissed, I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity for affection when it appeared.

We eventually split up and are both happy with new partners.

We did equal shares of housework, childcare, shopping etc, and it wasn't a case of the traditional useless male and long-suffering female pairing.

For me, it was lack of physical intimacy with little or no prospect of things changing.

Of course, I should have simply left, but after years of not being kissed I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity for affection when it appeared.

We eventually split up and are both happy with new partners.

We did equal shares of housework, childcare, shopping etc, and it wasn't a case of the traditional useless male and long-suffering female pairing.

It’s so individual.
i cheated many years ago. I was immature, very vulnerable sexually, and also felt ignored and invalidated by my partner.
my worked through it and are very happy 30+ years on.

my mum cheated - my Dad was invalidating and critical and I think she wanted to feel appreciated and celebrated, but she did not want to break up the family.

my friend cheated - complicated grief trauma meant she was a bit lost, also her husband drank quite a lot, was a bit unattractive cos of this, was quite shouty and,again, invalidating.
he doesn’t know about her affair, but he realised the marriage was on the rocks and made really positive changes, and she ended the affair and became more accepting of him warts and all.
they seem very happy now.

so I think it’s not one size fits all, there are lots of reasons.

I think it's something missing in the person rather than the relationship, but what that is varies. Integrity, self reflection, impulse control, empathy. The exception being exit affairs from abusive relationships.

I agree with this. Like any destructive behaviour (with the mentioned exception), it's there to try and fill a void.

Yes, exactly. There are probably as many reasons for forming an illicit relationship as there are for forming a licit one.

I dipped my toe in recently. I was sexting and sharing pictures of me in underwear with a couple of guys online. I did it because DH and I had been having issues and had lost a sense of connection, because I found it exciting, because I wanted attention and to be told that I look hot and have a great body. It was very out of character for me.
It very quickly gave me anxiety. I hated being dishonest and sneaking around behind DH's back. The guys would share photos back with me and I'd always think "DH is SO much more good looking than you" and would share dick pics and I'd think "DH is so much bigger than you".
I quickly came to my senses and told all to DH, who has been very mature and understanding, although he was furious at first.
It was a wakeup call for me and I've done a lot of soul searching since to try to figure out what was missing in me that made me do it. I think a lot of it was insane peri hormones and a general fear of ageing, which is nuts. We all get old (if we're lucky). I'm re-engaging in some hobbies I'd dropped, to round out my life more and have less of a focus on looks.
Anyway, it's made me rock solid in knowing what I want, and that is my marriage, which is very much back on track.

I cheated (not sexual)
I hold my hands up and admit responsibility. I was young, and mentally unstable. I was heavily medicated for a panic disorder at the time. Had regressed mentally and it was a cry for help & affection.

Done all the therapy. I was diagnosed with CPTSD relating to my very neglectful childhood. Which was painful to admit and talk about. Turned out I had never felt loved. And I went looking for a connection or to feel “seen”.

I married a man just like my Dad. emotionally unavailable / distant. We met at University so I didn’t have a chance to explore single life.

I still don’t know what it’s like to feel unconditional love from anyone. But I’m mature and self aware. I don’t look for it anymore.

I find those romantic films where people fall in love or get swept off their feet quite triggering as it’s something I’ll never experience.

ive known several cheaters: one friend (f) her husband had cheated and so she decided to revenge cheat. Except he’d had a ONS and she then had many ONSs over a period of five years or so. When I say many, it was probably ten men a year?

I knew a guy who cheated and he’d been cheating from about the end of the first year with his long term partner. He’s been with her nineteen years and has had at least six affairs that I know of. His wife seems to turn a blind eye so long as he bankrolls her spending habits.

Another female friend had genuinely thought she was in love and had an affair that lasted four years. Guess what - the bloke proposed to his ‘ex’ partner and my friend found out from mutual friends and had a nervous breakdown.

I’ve known others - only two have got together with their affair partner and turned it into a long standing happy relationships which outlasted their primary relationships.

I think there’s many reasons for infidelity.

I think its much more complicated than we all like to think.
It really needs a perfect storm of events. I've done loads of reading on this (my husband cheated) and it seems to be a combination of a low point in the marriage, the cheaters low self esteem and / or their own issues they haven't worked through along with opportunity and a lack of clear boundaries.
If you are a person whose not able to share your feelings easily, feels rubbish about themselves and hasn't considered what boundaries need to be in place to protect their marriage and own integrity then some friendly exchanges with someone of the opposite sex can very easily slide into more. Then they need to justify to themselves what they are doing so have to tell themselves some story as to why they are unhappy and this is the right thing.
Of course I'm sure there are some really damaged people out there can just not care what they are doing and go out of their way to take what they want / feel they deserve but I think it long term committed relationships it's usually more complex.

There will be many different reasons that leads each individual to cheat. The man I know who did it, for him it was a form of control and abuse of women.

But ultimately, whatever underlying reasons that lead people to cheat, they do it because its fun and they enjoy it. That's the stark truth.

I've cheated twice. Once when I was 19 and my relationship with teenage boyfriend of 2 years was gradually coming to an end. We had outgrown each other and I met a guy I really fancied but I was still emotionally attached to my boyfriend. We split up shortly after.

The second time I was 26 and similar situation as above, except he was emotionally abusive and I desperately wanted out. I met a man and just wanted a bit of fun and excitement.

Some people cheat when things are seemingly going great. They can't get enough sexual validation, flirting doesn't give them enough of a dopamine hit they need to go all the way to feel alive.

My ex cheated because I was fed up with his idleness, sulking, put downs and staying in bed at the w/e until 2, and I told him so.

So he had and affair and found someone else to put up with his idleness, sulking, put downs and staying in bed at w/e's until 2.

It worked so well, I decided to divorce him so he could make it permanent 😆

And this is why they say cheaters cheat down not up!
They go for someone who has lower standards / self esteem than you.
Sounds like this one did you a favour. Hope you are happy and she's miserable picking up after him!

Iv just found out my wife has been having an affair for the last few months ,married for 10 years and two young kids.

I feel like I don’t know her anymore after seeing some very intimate messages sent between them and still she can’t admit it.I can’t bring myself to get hold of the messages again to show her as the situation has got complicated!

when she looked my in the eyes and said that he was just a friend all respect and trust was lost for me.

we have now separated but strangely I still care about her ! Hopefully she might tell me the truth in the near future, I’m not upset about what she got up to but after 15 years together I thought she would have the decency to tell me the truth

This is the worse part of it! The lying, the lack of acceptance. Horrible.