My DH and I worry in completely different ways

[Soootired23]

and I think that does affect our marriage.

Today we just a fairly big argument because I was just venting that it was bizarre that the bank wouldn't be able to tell us when does our new mortgage start.

For context I deal with 97% of all house admin because my DH has been known to make mistakes or didn't think through about the ultimate consequences (like getting internet with Sky that includes live TV, so we now how to pay a TV licence, when we literally only watch streaming).

Going back to the mortgage situation, he started by saying that we received the letter a couple of weeks ago, when I knew we've had it for at least 5-6. He was adamant that was not the case until I showed him the date. Then he went on a tangent about the mortgage advisor and how we should trust her, but whatever the mortgage advisor said was irrelevant as the application was done by ourselves so it was open to user error, but because there's no instant congirmy, you just have to trust you did the right thing, going back to it's bizarre the bank itself can't confirm the start date!

Then we went on a tangent that I worry about all sorts of things, and it's true I do, but at the same time they don't really bother me, but from my POV he never worried about anything because his life always gets resolved. And that's fairly accurate. As the bigger earner I always have much more of a mental burden too..we were able to get this house and subsequently being able to be almost mortgage free thanks to my family.

He apparently DOES worry about things, but never expresses then as they're long term. i.e. not wanting to relocate or not knowing what he'd be able to do for a living. Which I understand, but he can also DO something about it as it's such long term.

Honestly, all I needed this morning was a bit of validation (because the situation is bizarre!) not a whole tangential saga with the intention of reassurance.

He sounds a bit… thick

because I was just venting that it was bizarre that the bank wouldn't be able to tell us when does our new mortgage start.

come again?

it all sounds a bit of a mess!

Yes, the bank is unable to tell us when does the new rate start.

At least not the department I've been talking to (overpayments), they only keep saying it won't show in the system until closer to the date it's supposed to go live, but they've been telling me it's impossible to double check. And I've called like 6 times now!

I have been on some of your past threads Op

you are fundamentally very unhappy
you admit to fairly explicitly over reacting
but your DH has treated you like shit for years in the past

it’s all… horrible. This is just one issue amongst many

My DH never worries or stresses about anything. I wish I could be more like him tbh. It sounds like you are arguing needlessly, you are just different people that’s all. None of what said is going to change the outcome of your mortgage. I don’t know what kind of validation you were looking for or needing from him in this scenario.

edited to add. IGNORE. In light of pp post above. I had no idea there was a massive backstory.

It was just as easy as saying "yeah that's strange!"

I didn’t pick that up, but equally I have edited as I didn’t realise there was a huge backstory here. My apologies.

I'm actually quite happy, but yes he's treated me like absolute shit BEFORE. He definitely stopped for good 3 years ago.

He's been a very decent husband since then.

what? Thread after thread about how unhappy you are

But you say that now you explode in over reaction OP?

No, no. I obviously only pot about the bad things.

But I'm very proud of what we've built together and the type of family life we have.

He's also extremely handsome (to me!) but obviously I feel he doesn't necessarily get me that's all.

TBF I think I exploded after he was adamant that the letter was 2 weeks old, and how I was wrong.

When he was clearly mid remembering, not me.

Exploding after anything (especially about the date of a letter) is pretty shit op

What he was saying also made NO sense either. And I didn't want to have any sort of argument, just a "yes that's weird".

I don't junk I ask for much considering he doesn't do any of it.

What does exploding entail?

Mind you… on your “my dh triggers me”, he sounds like a complete and total arse.

Raising my voice. I also did tell him that of course he never worried about anything because I end up resolving his life.

Shouting? If you don't want to resolve his life, stop and let him deal with it. BTW there's a two week cooling off period where you can cancel contracts.

If I didn't our home life would crumble.

Then he isn’t ’a very decent husband’ is he?

Well shouting at him won't change anything. If you want to share your life with someone incapable of behaving like an adult, that's up to you.

Dh and I are like chalk and cheese. He worries about things that, to me, are a waste of his energy - and I’d count this situation in that category. Dealing with mortgage advisors , banks and solicitors will drive you crazy if you let it, so you might as well go with the flow. If you can fix it, do something, but if you can’t, don’t raise your blood pressure about it.

Of course he could say the same to me too - my head is full of worries about the dc, mostly stuff I have minimal influence over. I lose sleep over things he doesn’t even notice, or would rather bury his head in the sand about.

On a good day, I can see that between us we cover all the bases. He absolutely resolves my life, as you put it, but in other ways I’m doing the same for him.

On a bad day, it’s hard to feel that you’re alone in your worries, or try and communicate them and feel you’re falling short of making a connection. I’m sympathetic in that, op.

His salary just wouldn't be enough, if we look at it that way. It doesn't have a lot to being decent or not.

It wasn’t about his salary though? It was about you doing it all. You are so defensive of him, yet people are only posting on information you provided.

Yes basically that sums it up!