Exhausted, is there anything I can do?

[ByBreezyReader]

My partner has always wanted a baby and literally begged me for a one. I was worried about financial side as I have a mortgage, but he assured that there will be no issues especially as he earns like 5 times more than me.

I got pregnant and everything was great, we were planning our wedding. Couple of months later after the childbirth, everything has changed. He said he changed his mind and has no interest in family life and not interested in marriage neither.

He does pay some child maintenance which he calculated using online calculator (approx 200 pounds per week). I work full time, pay my mortgage, pay for kindergarten (I am in London, so prices are really crazy) and all other expenses related to a kid. I really struggle to meet my ends, work hard and in constant worry about finances. I asked him to cover a kindergarten fees but he refuses.

There is no help from his side as well with a baby. Everything is on me. I barely sleep at nights, very tired, literally have no rest. I have no relatives here to help.
At the same time, he is enjoying the bachelor lifestyle, goes travelling, stays in luxury hotels, multiple weekends getaways, going out with friends several times per week.

Is there anything I can do here? Just to clarify we are no longer together, live separately.

Contact CMS. Ensure you’re receiving child benefit. How often does he see your child?

He has no interest in seeing our kid:( I applied for a benefit.

Citizens Advice Bureau will be able to help you find out what you’re really entitled to.

He calculated it?
I wouldn’t go on his opinion, he sounds very untrustworthy.

Contact CMS and they’ll work out what he should be paying. Hopefully he’s PAYE as it’s harder for him to hide his wages… he’ll need to pay 12% of his gross pay. So if he’s earning 5 times your salary, then £200 sounds low.

Have you checked if you’re entitled to any benefits to top up your wage? You might be able to get help towards your childcare etc…

He is on PAYE indeed. But largest part of his comp comes as capital gains, not sure if it would be included.
I will contact CMS. Do you know if 12% of his gross pay would be tax free?
I applied for a child benefit as well.

Oh OP, I am so sorryy you are going through this. Sadly, this is why so many people tell women to get married before having children. There is little o rnothing you can do to get him to step up more I'm afraid. Does HE have family and do you have any sort of relationship with them that could at least give you grandparents/aunties/cousins who could help at all (or who you could leverage to make him feel bad fo rhis shittiness)?

Can you move to wherever your family are?

Definitely get the CMS payment done asap. 200 per week seems low for what I assume is a high earner who does not have any contact time with the child.

Being married may have made things worse for the OP as she owns a property and no mention that he does.

Your partner is perfidious isn't he?

Your EX partner is a deadbead wanker.

Make sure he is paying what he should be OP. Are you back at work FT as your child sounds fairly young (no judgement, just from a financial POV)

Share options and capital gains that are directly from employment can be taken into account in maintenance calculations. If he is only including his base salary you you definitely put a claim into CMS and appeal to ensure they take his full income into account.

unfortunately other than that you cannot force him to be involved. You have the same choice as him to give up your child, but society looks very badly on women who choose to do that whereas men seem to be perfectly allowed to.

Unfortunately, found out too late. There was really no sign of this prior...

Back to work yes, as soon as a company enhanced maternity pay ended and I had no choice. I work in a quite stressful job. Would change ideally but the job market is literally dead

I was thinking about moving back where my family is. But there is no qualified work there. So would either have to give up work or go and do something like a cashier. No judgement but all my uni degrees and professional qualifications will go down the drain. Though may have no choice. My family is abroad though in Eastern Europe. My now Ex is listed on child birth certificate so would need his agreement.

His family is in the UK, though in the north. He constantly brags about his son to his parents and friends and colleagues. To everyone outside it looks like he is proud farther. Lots of congratulations were flowing to him from everyone.

He doesn't own property indeed here. He worked for many years abroad and has lots of cash stacked in his overseas bank accounts.

It may be worth reaching out directly to his parents, make sure they are aware of the real situation. They may be interested in a relationship with their grandchild, and that could make things easier longer term. Of course you never know, they may just support him, but there’s a chance.

No advice regarding the waste of space man, but are you making use of tax free childcare? Have you applied for the 15/30 free hours?

Not sure on your income but there is UC too.

It may be worth lowering your hours to reduce income, to take the pressure off, and get gov top up in the interim.

If you know what he is earning you can do a CMS calculation yourself. Based on what you've said about him I would recommend using the CMS anyway, as he could play silly buggers with the current set up.

I ve applied for child benefit so far. I checked re 15/30 hours and it says not eligible if income of parent over 100k, farther's income is above that.
Have not applied for tax free childcare. Will google about all that.
I do not qualify for UC unfortunately and cannot reduce my hours as have high mortgage payments each month.

Thank you for all the advice, will contact CMS as well. Is there a way to force him to have a shared custody? Not looking 50/50 but having a day off would be nice.

Feel myself so stupid for believing him. It was such a sudden 180 turn

Not sure how how it is all works with his deferred comp but I will let CMS to figure that out.

Not sure about contacting his parents. They havent contacted me themselves and seem to be content just receiving pics from him.

Thank you for your advice. Ideally I would also like to share a custody , at least 1 day per week but doesn't sound like it is possible.

How is he getting the pics to send to his parents if he never sees your child? If you are sharing pictures with him, just stop. His parents probably don't know the extent of his utter fecklessness and rejection of his own baby after coercing you into getting pregnant and having a child.

Honestly, what he did is so fucking awful, it should be illegal.

I am sharing yes in the hope to wake up his paternal instinct and that he changes his mind /comes to his senses.

So sorry you’re going through this op.

Id look to move back closer to your family. Or if that’s not possible can you look to wfh and move outside of London? This will mean cheaper housing and cheaper childcare.

I also hope he’s not living with you any longer.

Also go via CMS for child maintenance.

Be warned that CMS are slow and crap. Do go through them but don't rely on a quick fix. My friend waited a long time for them to take any action.

If he is on a 100kplus you should be getting way more than £200 - lying cheap arse bastard.

You can use this to get an estimate

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

He’s on over £100k but giving you £200 a month?! 😮
Dont include his income when you do the benefits calculator for childcare, he’s not living with you.

Stop. He's getting updates off you so no need to make an attempt. This will also allow family to believe he is doing more than he is.
It's hard an no you cant force him, to see the child. It gets easier as they get older.