Mother insulted daughter.

[ForElatedScroller]

Some time ago while I was visiting my mother, she and my six year old daughter had a bit of a set-to. My daughter didn’t like the way she was being spoken to (my mother had made my daughter cry on a previous visit) so she called her by her first name.
This infuriated my mother who then called her a ‘little b*tch’ and told her she did not want to visit her again. I heard all of this as did my son.
Anyway, we left immediately and I was expecting a call and an apology. None came. That was four years ago and she is now 85.
I want to get this sorted out so we can move on but she refuses to apologise. I really don’t know what to do.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Well obviously your mother shouldn't have calked her a bitch. But it sounds as though your daughter was being very cheeky to your mother.

To actually let this fester for 4 years because your mother won't apologise is beyond ridiculous. Why do you think you shouldn't also be apologising for you daughter 's cheekiness?

Why dont you talk to your mother and just ask her if she is willing to put the incident behind you all?

Well I doubt she's going to apologise after all this time.

So you either keep her out of your lives or you put it behind you and move on.

What did your DD actually say to your mum?

She just called her by her first name, obviously a bit sarcastically. The thing is my mother hates my ex wife and I feel this is reflected in her treatment of my daughter.

Did you actually say anything to her at the time, or did you just up and leave?

I think it's safe to assume that you will never receive an apology from her so really you have to decide if you can forgive and forget.

How does your daughter feel about it?

She refuses to apologise for her vile behaviour to your child.
This is it sorted as far as she is concerned. She does not want your child to visit her again.

Why do you want to move on?. It is not down to you to get this sorted; your mother has caused all this to happen in the first place. People like she
do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Why would you want such a person around you all given her behaviour?. Your child was six at the time; yes a child yet your mother spoke to her somewhat rudely yet again. Was it not enough for you that she made your DD cry on a previous visit?. Were you hoping against hope and or your experiences of your mother that she had somehow changed to become a better person. If this woman hates your ex wife then this would be reflected in how she treated your daughter.

Why do you want to get in touch with her again?

I do t think I’d want anything to do with someone who called my 6yo a little bitch. Also she “hates” your ex wife? Why? She sounds like a very bitter, nasty person.

It sounds as though there is a lot more going on then than just this incident.

Having said that I do thinkpossibly generational differences play into things. I'm not as old as your mother but I am older and I would be annoyed at a young child being cheeky to me. I'm not excusing her language because that was not acceptable.

Why have you decided now is the time to deal with this? What’s changed for you?

What a rude family. Does anyone have any manners?

She has recently written me a letter. She sounds very sad and says she misses me and all that. I have a heart and she is my mother after all. I feel guilty. I’m not one to be able to just cut people out of their life.

Then sort something out. Both need to apologise (at the end of the day this is over something very silly, and a huge drama has been made out of it), and move on.

But she did cut you off and without a qualm as well. She took her anger out on what was a 6 year old at the time; your daughter. She upset your child on a previous visit too and made her cry.

And indeed she has seemingly not apologised nor has accepted any responsibility here for her actions. No that letter is all about her and she wants you to fall back into line.

And why do you feel guilty?. Your mother caused this to happen in the first place by being nasty to your child. Feeling guilty is one of three unwanted emotions toxic people leave their now adult children. Deal with your FOG (Fear obligation and guilt) through therapy.

Maybe I'm getting old but 6 year olds didn't speak to adults in such a rude manner when I was a child nor bringing up mine and to call a Grandparent by their first name is bratty beyond belief.
Your Mother shouldn't have called your daughter a little bitch either, that's not ok, but why didn't you step in and deal with your child?
Your Mother won't always be around so if you're having thoughts about this now then now is the time to make peace with your Mother. She is elderly.

You seem to think the apologies should only come from your Mother and yet your daughter AND you owe her an apology too. Sort it out.

So you've let this go on for years??? Why the drama. Your 6 year old was being cheeky and told off by their grandmother. It should have been you intervening but still.
What she said wasn't ok either but this is ridiculous.

Either you want to cut her out or you dont.

Given she's 86 you need to decide...
one option is you could see her yourself without your family/ dd.

Separately i dont get why you are hung up /insistent on a meaningless "sorry" from a woman who is NOT sorry. Even if she says it now so what?
In summary

If shes actually toxic / was a poor mother to you / this incident is indicative of something bigger..... stay away. Write back and she her behaviour is too awful and too much time has passed etc.
If shes a cantankerous old mare but has a good heart and you love her anyway go make it up with her....!

It's a bit late now!! Your daughter should have been told at the time it happened that it was unacceptable.
We had this with a very rude and cocky GD who called her Grandad 'Man' - mimicking one of the many cartoons she watches on her ipad in an american drawl. She was pulled up straight away, ipad removed and told that what she watches on an ipad is not real life, that she needed to learn the difference and learn to address and speak to people correctly irrespective of who they were.

There’s no reason why you can’t see your mother, but your daughter may refuse and I think that is her right too.

op YOU may be under FOG, but your daughter isn´t, good for her.

Why does your mother hate your ex-wife?

She called your six year old daughter a bitch? I wouldn't speak to her again if I were you.

Your mum could just apologise for calling a six year old a bitch. She is the adult and that was a horrible thing to say. Your daughter was a small child of six and calling an adult by their first name isn't particularly rude. Your mother obviously has very old fashioned views on respect owed to older people.

I think that a grandmother calling her six year old grandaughter a bitch is much worse than a child calling an adult by their first name. Why is that unacceptable but you don't even mention what the grandmother said?