DH tries to make everything I say/do into an argument

[YellowBlueStar]

Been married 30 years. I work part time, DH is retired but has a zero hours job where he can choose his hours. Since he retired 3 years ago, he has become really angry/grumpy and accuses me of creating arguments/conflict every day. Every little thing I do/say can be turned into an argument by him. For example, I sit down and sigh after a busy day and he'll say "why are you sighing at me? What have I done wrong now? Why are you trying to create a conflict?" I tell him I was sighing because it's nice to sit down after a busy day and he says "it's not my fault you've had a busy day, you can't blame that on me."
If I'm quietly reading, he'll ask me why I'm so quiet "you're not speaking to me. What have I done to upset you now?"
If I'm talking about something, he'll tell me I talk too much and to stop whittling. I just can't win.
He frequently tells me that I cause conflict everyday but, when I ask him how, he can't give me an example. It's just so exhausting. I feel I'm treading on eggshells all the time.
He keeps busy with hobbies and his zero hours job which he really enjoys so it's not as if he's bored. I just don't know what to do. When I try to talk to him about it, he tells me to move on and not talk about things that have already happened.

He’s causing arguments for the sake of it and trying to get a reaction out of you. But when you want to discuss why this is happening he shuts down the conversation and refuses to engage.

Has he always been like this? I know you said he has started since retirement but wondering if it’s completely new or just worse. Is he so defensive with other people?

it must feel like he doesn’t like you very much. The only thing you can do is insist he talks through it either the two of you or with a counsellor if he refuses you have two options end it or accept it.

Ugh no I just couldn't live like this. What is it with (some) men that they become such curmudgeonly creatures especially once they retire??

He's being extremely unfair and actually I'd start challenging him each time and saying straight out, no let's be clear about this: you're trying to create conflict, you're starting arguments and you're thriving on this hostility.

If it were me I'd be making it clear that his behaviour is killing my love and affection for him and I'm not going to live like this.

And then, if he didn't really work to stop it, I'd be out of there. Life is short.

What does he bring to the table? What reason can you give as to why you are still with him?

@YellowBlueStar do you both have a similar interest or hobby etc that you can both involve plan, yourself and enjoy together..maybe join a group together that share your interests?im sensing you both have different interests?

He's actually doing what he accuses you of. Turn it round on him and say that's exactly what you are doing and I've had enough of it.

Do you want to stay in such an exhausting relationship?

Do the same to him.

"Why are you sighing at me?"

" Stop bringing up things that have happened."

"You're always finding fault."

"God you do go on."

Or tell him to shape up or ship out.

Why haven’t you snapped with anger. I would have a long time ago. Read him the riot act. Sounds like he is doing it on purpose to make you the bad guy.

This.

Has he found another perfect woman??
Who looks at him with lust, laughs at every joke, validates his manlylness. She would never complain, she would love to clean it after him.
Affair/depression/ageing is scary

And you are with him now because.....

It sounds utterly soul destroying and I think that is his intention; he does not like seeing you content.

And do not go to joint counselling with him. Abuse is not a relationship issue and this is about power and control. Walking on eggshells to my mind is code for living in fear.

If I get angry, he says I am being aggressive. And yes, I think he loves making me out to be the bad guy.

If you're lucky, he'll get into local politics and expend his frustrations by writing 20-page complaint letters to the council. Years ago, I was one of the team dealing with such complaints. We couldn't fail to notice that the majority of our regular complainants were men over the age of about 50.

He seems so angry with you. Try to get to the heart of this anger. He needs to address it.

Have you pointed out that his behaviour has changed, has he noticed it? And perhaps it's time to get a once over with the GP?

He might be angry with the OP. Or, he might just be taking his frustrations out on her, because she's there and he takes her for granted.

He can only goad you into an argument if you allow it. Can you inject some humour into it and catch him off guard? Eg. 'Why aren't you talking to me? What have I done to upset you?' You reply ' well actually, I'm all talked out - you wouldn't believe that the postman wanted to chat about his nephew who's just landed a job at NASA - he's so proud, I couldn't shut him up!'
Don't engage in the nastiness, purposely 'mis understand' his barbed comments. It'll annoy him more not to get a rise from you.

“You are being over sensitive to me behaving completely normally. I will not walk on eggshells around you.”

Then I’d suggest you need to go to therapy to find out what’s really going on here. If he refuses then you’ll have to leave. You can’t carry on like this, he will gradually chip at your confidence and sekf-esteem. And you can’t sort it out if he stonewalls you and refuses to discuss it. Tbh just hm refusing to discuss an issue would be a deal-breaker for me. Shows a complete lack of respect for you and your feelings.

Why are you sighing at me? "I'm not I'm breathing" what have I done now? "Nothing why do you ask?" Why are you ignoring me? "I'm reading this book it's called x written by y you should try it when I'm finished"

Riot act.

Then start to plan for future peace & quiet if be doesn't shut up.

He's turned into Victor Meldrew, hasn't he? Angry at the world for the sake of it, and you're there, so you get the brunt.

Yes, this is how it feels. Even when I mention positive things like the lovely sunny weather, he'll reply with "well it's going to rain soon." Always negative.

Has he always been a bit like this? I know people with a similar outlook and they have got worse as they've aged, or after certain life events. I have never known someone who was previously easy going and optimistic turn into this kind of character.

My DH was like this for a while and in the end I did start to retort with "Okay then, Victor!".

He has stopped all that now, but I still get the occasional "It's not my fault" when I happen to mention (in passing, when I'm making drinks) that we're getting very low on milk.

Does he suffer from 'So Do I' syndrome? If ever I feel under the weather or a bit tired or whatever, I get "So do I" and then a whole long list of reasons he feels worse than I do.