Friend coercively controlled

[Fancypants1]

I’ve changed the odd detail as not to be outing.

I believe my friend is being controlled and i don’t know what to do.

I have a friend of several years who I meet every few months and we would WhatsApp every few days.

Received a phone call recently from their partner telling me damaging personal things about their relationship saying they were telling me so I could help them. They said not to bring it up when I spoke to them, and my friend was going smart phoneless now to help them so I wouldn’t be able to WhatsApp them. We used to voice note a lot and we enjoyed that. Partner said friend was trying to focus more on personal connection etc. I said that’s fine and I would make the effort to meet up with my friend more - partner said not too much too soon. Thought that was a bit weird.

My friend called me and framed this smart phone free life as positive (it can be but it’s out of character) and brought up none of the relationship issues I’d been told. Partner was in background at start of call.

Met up with friend and partner, was fine but a bit superficial. Because I suspected control I wanted to get friend on their own to meet up to check in and be there for the .

I sent a voice note via email (email is allowed) and got a short message back saying they’re not doing voice notes. Didn’t sound like friend.

I then emailed about scheduling a meet up and got an email back basically saying we should only do things as a group, me, my husband, friend and partner basically saying that my friend hadn’t been nice to partner and used women as a an emotional crutch and I was one of them.

The tone at all didn’t sound like my friend and the way it was written.

I really don’t know what to do now.

Is friends partner allowed a smart phone? How long have the been together?

I assume your friend is a man? Which, not withstanding your attempts to make it neutral does change things slightly.

It sounds like a very strange and unhealthy relationship, yes. But if it is a man ans you are a woman, it may well be that constsnt voice note messages wsd too much and undermined the relationship. Having said that, no phone, meeting with partners, partner calling you are all inappropriate and concerning.

@CaptainFuture no smart phone but framed as a positive thing. It can be obviously but it’s the context of it all that’s odd. Been together 10 years.

@MattCauthon my friend is a gay man.

About an hour away, and 10 years x

Do you know any of their family? Could you reach out and explaun your conerns

This is deeply concerning and those on this thread minimising are out of their minds. Your friends partner should not be dictating the terms of how they can interact with you

It sounds like you are right to be concerned OP.

Does your friend work? Could you contact them at work and ask to meet for lunch or a coffee near their place of work?

This is the best advice. Don’t keep trying to contact them via personal means as it could make their partner angry and your friend may suffer the consequences.

@justkeepswimingswiming unfortunately my friend is European and no close family here. I’m concerned this is happening to them. He will still have his parents over but this is obviously the ‘group setting’ that seems to be ‘allowed’. I am my friends only close British friend and I suspect that I’ve been deemed too close ie being here I do have the means to intervene.

@TrentCrimmsflowinglocks that’s an idea

Sounds terrifying tbh. I hope you can contact him through work.

I’m very concerned esp since he has no friends or family here

I can't think of any useful advice, OP, but it definitely sounds like you're right to be concerned.

You say your friend is a gay man so obviously in a relationship with another man. I'm assuming you're a woman?

So it's not even a question of the partner feeling jealous of a potential romantic rival (which still wouldn't be ok) but jealous and controlling of any friendship or contact that is not in the partner's control. Very concerning.

Is there a men's domestic violence helpline you could call for advice? A quick google got me these results for the uk: https://mensadviceline.org.uk/ and https://mankind.org.uk/

I think you should do a claires law application on his behalf. Advise the police of your concerns, and they can check whether there is a history of this behaviour. It sounds like he is extremely vulnerable in this situation.

I am a woman so yes exactly. It wouldn’t be right for a woman to do this if we were genuinely just friends but I could understand it. This I don’t understand. My friend doesn’t even talk negatively about his partner so it’s not like I’m a ‘threat’ in his ear telling them to break up! So it’s control for the sake of control.

Thanks for the links I will have a look.

Classic abuse tactic of isolating the partner from friends and family so they can more effectively control them. Unless your friend is willing to leave his controlling partner then there's not much you can do besides being there for him when he needs you

That sounds very controlling.
Its classic signs of abuse that the partner has contacted you about “concerns” about your friend (the smear campaign to make you doubt your friend), then is isolating them by cutting off communication and inserting themselves into everything.

What you can do about it though, I’m really unsure. Anything you do could be used to harm your friend further so you need to tread carefully.

Your friend is indeed in an abusive relationship with this other person. Isolating the target from outside support i.e you and friends is typical MO of such. Their relationship should be at an end. Do not be put off; continue to see your friend here. Does he work; if so contact him during his lunch hour.

Controlling relationships are not loving ones regardless of the sex of the people involved. Ultimately your friend needs to leave his abuser.

Your friend is not saying anything about his partner probably because of some veiled threats to him or his wellbeing if he does. He's probably been told by his abuser all sorts of shit that he'd be made homeless, deported or some such other guff like he would not be believed if he was to tell anyone he was being abused.

Sadly this is what I am thinking. I will be there if he does need me

Exactly my thoughts. I am not a stupid person, I am fairly intuitive, and I think friends partner underestimates me. I recognised the smear campaign immediately. If friend has allegedly done XYZ in the relationship, but doesn’t want to talk about it with me, and I’m instructed not to discuss it, then why on earth do I need to be told about it? To frame my friend in a bad light was my thought.

I’m not replying to the email as they’re clearly being monitored so there’s no point. I forgot to say but they both set up new email accounts after friend went smart phone free, both with the same provider eg @hotmail.com. Due to this I suspected passwords will be shared etc and the email I received backs that up, I think friends email is being read and he’s been coached re responding.

I really need to connect with him without his partners insertion, possibly a phone call at some point.

Thank you. My ‘friend’ eg his partner who told him what to write in this email had the cheek to say my friend has been isolating him from people!!!

I’ve suspected controlling behaviour before all of this, and my friend is very gentle natured, so I think that’s bullshit.