Friend coercively controlled

[Fancypants1]

I’ve changed the odd detail as not to be outing.

I believe my friend is being controlled and i don’t know what to do.

I have a friend of several years who I meet every few months and we would WhatsApp every few days.

Received a phone call recently from their partner telling me damaging personal things about their relationship saying they were telling me so I could help them. They said not to bring it up when I spoke to them, and my friend was going smart phoneless now to help them so I wouldn’t be able to WhatsApp them. We used to voice note a lot and we enjoyed that. Partner said friend was trying to focus more on personal connection etc. I said that’s fine and I would make the effort to meet up with my friend more - partner said not too much too soon. Thought that was a bit weird.

My friend called me and framed this smart phone free life as positive (it can be but it’s out of character) and brought up none of the relationship issues I’d been told. Partner was in background at start of call.

Met up with friend and partner, was fine but a bit superficial. Because I suspected control I wanted to get friend on their own to meet up to check in and be there for the .

I sent a voice note via email (email is allowed) and got a short message back saying they’re not doing voice notes. Didn’t sound like friend.

I then emailed about scheduling a meet up and got an email back basically saying we should only do things as a group, me, my husband, friend and partner basically saying that my friend hadn’t been nice to partner and used women as a an emotional crutch and I was one of them.

The tone at all didn’t sound like my friend and the way it was written.

I really don’t know what to do now.

Thanks all for your responses, you’ve really helped. I’m not going to give up on my friend, ever. I know i may have to play the long game and be a steady presence and not antagonise my friends partner.

What are people’s thoughts on meeting in a group? Better than not seeing my friend at all? I don’t want to see his partner after this tbh.

Does your friend work?Could you go to his place of work at lunch time? Or when his working day ends to speak to him?
Just say you are worried about him because you haven’t heard from him for a while.
Or you could say you could do with a chat yourself about something and go for a coffee and see how he seems.

Do you know your friend's work email or phone number?

If that is all that is on offer then I would go.
If you see your friend and their partner together you will see with your own eyes the dynamic of the relationship. You will be able to see if your friend seems answerable to their partner or if they are looking to their partner for permission for things, you will also be able to see if your friend seems unhappy or withdrawn. And maybe see what has changed.

Keep meeting your friend here even in a group if you have to do so; your support will be invaluable to him. Sadly abuse like described is insidious in its onset and often creeps up on people unawares.

I would try and meet your friend during lunch hours.

I am wondering if his abuser is keeping tabs on him by monitoring his whereabouts post work too. It would not surprise me if he was.

Only the friend can do this!

Unfortantely, someone who is being controlled often doesn't see it or isn't able/willing to seek support. I agree with Attilla - keep trying to stay in contact. If nothing else, that makes it clear to him that if and when he's ready to break free, you are there.

I also agree with others that if you can contact him at work, that might not be a bad thing - even if it's just as a way to communicate via email on an ad hoc basis? Or to meet for lunch?

Thank you and thank you everyone else, you’ve been so supportive.

I’d be able to find out his work contact info.

My only concern is that I have a vibe he may be seeing permission so if I did contact him at work he may say to partner “fancy pants emailed me at work’ and that would antagonise his partner.

I am aware confronting or anything like that could lead to the demise of the friendship which is what his partner likely wants.

I’ll in effect play dumb and stay around in a ‘non threatening’ way so that my friend knows I’m there if he manages to break free.

It’s insulting to be told essentially that you were never a not a proper friend you were an emotional crutch as a distraction for relationship problems but I know this is the abuser talking and the intent is probably to get me to think ‘fuck off’ which I shall bloody not!

That’s incorrect. You can do a Claire’s law application on behalf of a friend.

Would my friend and partner be notified of my application if I did this? If he is on the list what would I do with the info? Thanks

Galop is an LGBT helpline https://www.galop.org.uk/helpline

Keep meeting up and remain supportive.

If the partner has a history of DV that needs to be disclosed, officers would make contact with your friend. You wouldn't receive any information.