Anyone else got a “scary” sister

[Rootheroo]

One who goes from 0-100 in a second?
One who is incredibly impatient?
One who has had lots of falling outs with friends and colleagues in the last?
One who has little self restraint in arguments and will always actively try to hurt?

I do know that she’s in an unhappy marriage with an arsehole, but it’s quite exhausting knowing that any slight disagreement is going to end with her desperately pursuing an argument.

tell me I’m not alone?!

Yes I have that sister. There are ways to deal with it that can de escalate conflicts relatively fast or even prevent them sometimes, but they mostly involve you always being the levelheaded one, not disagreeing with her, not getting emotional yourself and just emphatising and reaffirming instead, even if it's against your actual beliefs.

I can just about do that with my sister because it's worth it having a good relationship with her when I see her from time to time and I don't have to live with her or share my life with her, but it would be unhealthy and unsustainable if it's like this with a partner.

I need to hold on to this

it’s weird because I realise she’s starting to spiral and I now just think… oh here we go again, she is off on one. And I think it antagonises and makes the situation worse. Perhaps she wants me to react in kind? Either way, I’m not going to. Horrible way to live

Yeah, I've got one. She uses her rage to keep friends, family, strangers in check so she can basically do what she likes. My elderly parents are too scared to cross her in case they lose contact with her DC. I'm no contact, pretty much the only way to deal I think.

I do wonder what goes on behind closed doors with her husband. I imagine my sister must spend a good proportion of the marriage pissed off either him.

she’s not like this with her son though. I have no concerns there at all

I feel like sometimes my sister does it because she is genuinely upset and spirals emotionally, but other times it is indeed like she's just aching for a fight and looking for a reaction from me that will enable her to go off on one.
She will bring up different topics and devalue me in different ways and if I don't bite into the bait, she will bring up something else. Also when she recounts situations with friends and colleagues where I think she was completely unreasonable. Depending on her mood I do try to gently suggest her friends aren't out to get her and point to evidence supporting this, but sometimes it's not worth it.
When it comes down to devaluing me It comes down to holding my tongue a lot and keeping my own emotions in check because I know it's not worth it, just sit it out until her mood passes and just affirm her. If I do bite back we are a lot further from home as it will be extremely upsetting and go on for hours.

Obviously it is boundary crossing behaviour though, so you'd be well within your right to distance yourself if you would feel better that way. But it depends on what kind of relationship you want to have with her yourself.

I don’t want to put my other sibling in a tricky position, so I suppose I’ll do what I usually do and just sort of shrug it off and move on.

I need to just remember that in all likelihood she just isn’t very happy (she’s had various addictions and challenges that would have defeated most people but she came through them and for that I’m in awe of her) and so pounces because always on tenterhooks.

i have just thought.., the last time she was like this it was because drink was involved. I so hope that hasn’t reared its head again

i do, even our mother finds her scary at times. We try and keep the peace but it is hard. That is probably why we all are quite low contact.

I have that sister but I also have 3 that are very nice. DH also has a sister like that, sadly it’s his only sibling.

My brother is lovely thankfully! Not sure where I’d be without him

I have one.... what's scary is that she will swear black and blue that I am the "scary" one.

She has a permanent victim mentality.

It's a shame. She is my only sister and i don't like her at all. I am very low contact for the sake of my niece.

I have one.

Love her to bits but feel sorry for her as she’s her own worst enemy. Every time she makes a new friend, it’s really intense and then all falls apart because my sister gets exceptionally jealous of them, makes up scenarios in her head, and then causes problems.

Like I said, I love her, but she’s a difficult person.

Same even though not addiction related she's experienced a lot of trauma and has come very far, so I do appreciate her and am proud of her, it's definitely worth having a good relationship with her which is why I put up with it and do my best to keep the peace.

I think a lot of it is down to trauma, deep insecurities and feeling unheard. In my sister's case she often now feels unheard and misunderstood even when that isn't the case, but a certain demeanor or choice of words can trigger her into believing it and upset her massively when the other person doesn't have a clue what they did wrong.
When calm she is able to articulate what kind of subtleties make her feel unheard so I try to keep that in mind. So it might be worth having a chat with her about this sort of stuff when not triggered but just out of interest to see if that would help with the communication?

I do hope your sister isn't falling to the drink again. Had she had therapy at all?

So it might be worth having a chat with her about this sort of stuff when not triggered but just out of interest to see if that would help with the communication?

Honestly , the idea of that scares the shit out of me

the more I’ve thought about the exchange tonight via messaging, the more I’m wondering whether she’s back drinking again. I know she admitted that she’d said to partner that she’s come “as close as I ever have to having a drink” following an argument (see the theme!) with him, so possibly it’s happened.

oh I hope not, she’s done so well

Yes haven’t spoken to her in 5 years and much happier now

Yes, and one by one she eventually went no contact with the whole family.

I read about something called histrionic personality disorder (a cluster B thing I believe?), which to the armchair psychologist in me fits the bill to the letter.

Yes. I have one of these. Total arsehole.

Me, I do.

another one with a scary sister who had an addiction problems in the past

Yeah you do sound quite judgemental yourself 🫣

I have that brother. Don’t talk to him any more.

Yes, and its absolute hell. Started off just being over emotional and overbearing, but it has escalated every year and now she is manipulative, abusive and frightening in her behaviour. Has a full blown tantrum and won't leave you alone if you stand up to her. She is medicated but repeatedly refuses her meds. She has destroyed our family and we are fragments of our former selves. I honestly don't feel I love her right now, even though we were close in our childhood.

Me! Big time. And she’s struck again this morning.

I think she’s unhappy and just wants to drag others down with her.

And gets very pissed off when she doesn’t achieve that goal with me!

Yes, I do.
She's awkward and unreasonable. She constantly contradicts me and gets angry for no reason. She used to borrow my clothes and ruin them.
.

My mother. And as for dragging people down with her- she seems to get release from her pain when she sees other people suffering it. So when she’s unhappy she prods and pokes me until I get upset, then she seems to sigh with relief.
@Blinkagain does that sound familiar?

I’m trying to find a strategy for it. One is that when I stay with her I plan something nice for the last evening, as that’s when she tends to erupt.

Well it’s anytime, but the last evening is a dead cert if it’s not already happened.