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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just got this text from my ex.. who I split from last July..

31 replies

MascaraOHara · 22/05/2008 16:02

So to set the scene he phoned last night (from his holiday) to speak to myself and dd.. to say how much he was missing us and how he wanted to get back together etc(a subject that has been bubbling for a month or so now..). Anyway I was short and snappy when he started talking about it, I normally am but I'm not normally that bad. I have resentment that he didn't get it right the last time we were together.

Anyway so I thought I'd been unfair and told him so in a text today but also that I get frustrated as I just don't know what he expects me to say sometimes. He replied with the following

"that's OK. I know it's hard. I just want you to say you love me and we can be together. that's all I want"

It's so hard. I can feel my resolve to not go back there trickling away.

It's getting harder to remember all the bad things.

Give me a kick up the arse.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 22/05/2008 16:04

how did he fuckup last time MOH? I mean did he cheat or was he just an eejit? Is it forgiveable?

CountessDracula · 22/05/2008 16:05

oh god
not the mummy's boy who lived in the pub

ffs NO WAY!

expatinscotland · 22/05/2008 16:05

Someone called my name?

He treated you like dog shit, Mascara.

Now he 'justs wants you to say you love me . . . '

What about you? What about what he is going to do for YOU? What about getting in touch with YOU to find out how YOU are, rather than because HE feels sad and lonely and missing you? Did he give a toss about how you might have been missing him and sad the last time?

Miggsie · 22/05/2008 16:06

Has he just realised doing his own laundry and ironing SUCKS and having someone else do them is better and it is easier to get back with an ex than find someone new?

My great grandfather was a class 1 BASTARD who worked 2 wives to death and then married his housekeeper when he was 80 as it was "cheaper to have a wife, she does not need wages".
My great grandmother outlived him and got the cash, family legend has it she "hastened his end".

Do YOU want to be an unpaid housekeeper for a lazy tight bastard?

Hope this helps.

Carmenere · 22/05/2008 16:06

Ah yes I rememeber. You are just lonely.

Tortington · 22/05/2008 16:07

so, when are you off on your hols without dd?

FAWKEOFF · 22/05/2008 16:07

do the bad times overthrow the good times????
is he possible of getting it right this time round....better yet is he worth giving another chance????

what is your heart telling you to do, are you feeling vulnerable after the past few months????

Miggsie · 22/05/2008 16:08

To recreate your old relationship:
Throw buckets of water over yourself, face a blank wall.
Stay there for 6 hours.

That may cure you.

expatinscotland · 22/05/2008 16:09

Or turn off your mobile and then drive yourself crazy about whether or not he contacted you. Just like the last time.

expatinscotland · 22/05/2008 16:12

Let me guess, whilst on holiday he got drunk and phoned you . . .

Original poster

MascaraOHara · 22/05/2008 16:15

yes that's him CD.. you forgot the Coke habit.. oh it's all coming back to me now.

To be fair Custy, he's not my dd's boilogical father and has maintained a pretty solid relationship with her (to give him credit where it's due)

For the last month I've been told how he quit the coke and how everything I said was right and being without us has made him realise how stupid he was etc.

I've told him that although I'll never stop loving him that I can't get back with him because I just don't think there is anything he can do or say that would make me trust him again (after all the lies about coke)

I don't think I will ever stop loving him, he's been such a big part of my life and supported me through so much. I am greatful to him for a lot but I am happy where I am right now.

It's hard because our lives are so intertwined, his sister is one of my best friends, our friends are mutual friends and to see him with dd and dd with him - they love each other so much, she clings on to him so tight and he wells up when he goes.

ARGH.

need big virtual boot. I can not go back there again. He will not have changed.

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 22/05/2008 16:18

Would he be prepared to take regular drugs tests?

Original poster

MascaraOHara · 22/05/2008 16:18

nah unfortunately everytime I've seen him for a long while he's been very sober and not drinking.

The phone thing, was when I rebounded into bed with my boss.. completely fell for his shit and then was heartbroken when he started acting like a knob.. I'm pleading temporary insanity to that episode in my life. I'm so ashamed

OP posts:

Original poster

MascaraOHara · 22/05/2008 16:19

x-posts CD, he told me he would do that when I dumped him last year..

OP posts:

HappyWoman · 22/05/2008 16:20

I think people can change - but he will need to prove to you that he has and is clean.

Original poster

MascaraOHara · 22/05/2008 16:22

Ok am logging off. thanks for this. am going to resume my 'just not thinking about it' mindset for the evening

OP posts:

micci25 · 22/05/2008 16:22

if you really love him is there anyway that you could start from the begining? instead of jumping straight back into a serious relationshiop start with a 'date' once a week or something and see how things go?

ask what he is prepared to do to show you that he is serious

expatinscotland · 22/05/2008 16:25

Gawd, I remember all his drugged up bullshit now!

Nope.

I'm with CD, regular drugs tests.

Did he go to rehab? Is he getting counselling? Still going to Narcotic Anonymous meetings? Basically anything to demonstrate turning over a new leaf besides, 'I'm sorry'?

That doesn't cut it.

You said so yourself. You can't trust him anymore.

Yes, there's your love for him and all that.

But first and foremost needs to be love for YOU, for yourself and for stability and saneness in life.

That has to come first or you're going to continue to get burned.

Original poster

MascaraOHara · 22/05/2008 16:26

need to go really.

Micci, that's a hard one.. he would do whatever I asked of him but it doesn't mean it'll last more than a couple of months and I don't have the faith in him that I once had. He would marry me if I told him that's what I wanted... but it isn't, If I wanted anything it would be to have what we used to have a long time ago but that is the past and so much has happened that it will never be that way again.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 22/05/2008 16:27

people can change. but he must prove to you that he has changed, so he should do whatever it takes.

Is there anything he could do to prove it to you?

CountessDracula · 22/05/2008 16:28

Yes yes expat is right
Addicts don't change overnight with the best will in the world

I think the dating thing is a good idea with lots of rules
ie
no coke
drug tests
limited pub visits

If he can keep that going for a year or so and prove himself then maybe you could re-consider

CountessDracula · 22/05/2008 16:28

was he an addict btw?
or was it recreational use?

Original poster

MascaraOHara · 22/05/2008 16:29

Oh yes, expat.. I'm so loving myself at the moment.. I feel like the old me again. been off A/Ds since beginning of year and counselling really helped me put to bed some underlying issues. I am happy at the moment and content and all the thing I have not been for the last little while.

I think if I wasn't so stable right now I wouldn't have thought twice about going back to him because he has propped me up so many times in the past.

OP posts:

MarsLady · 22/05/2008 16:33

If you're feeling like your old self for the first time in a long time then why not allow yourself time to love yourself again?

If he loves you like he says then (as well as doing all the stuff suggested by Expat and CD) he can wait.

Let's have YOU in the best place first then you can turn any consideration to him.

Original poster

MascaraOHara · 22/05/2008 16:33

Weekend only use but he would lie about it, that was the underlying issue for me.. couple the lies with the his love of the pub and partying with his mates..

I'm in a really good place at the moment. I don't want to spoil that so why I can't I tell him there will never be a chance? because I don't believe it maybe or maybe because I don't want to believe it? it was hard to see him with someone else but I have come to realise that I'm moving on in a healthy way now

OP posts:

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