I just got this text from my ex.. who I split from last July..

[MascaraOHara]

So to set the scene he phoned last night (from his holiday) to speak to myself and dd.. to say how much he was missing us and how he wanted to get back together etc(a subject that has been bubbling for a month or so now..). Anyway I was short and snappy when he started talking about it, I normally am but I'm not normally that bad. I have resentment that he didn't get it right the last time we were together.

Anyway so I thought I'd been unfair and told him so in a text today but also that I get frustrated as I just don't know what he expects me to say sometimes. He replied with the following

"that's OK. I know it's hard. I just want you to say you love me and we can be together. that's all I want"

It's so hard. I can feel my resolve to not go back there trickling away.

It's getting harder to remember all the bad things.

Give me a kick up the arse.

Then keep moving in the right direction my angel!

He lied about his use. You'll never really know the extent of it because he's a liar.

You're not.

You wouldn't do that to someone else, so why take it off someone else?

YOU are moving in a good direction.

Keep it that way for now.

have to totally agree with expat now ive read more.....

there is no way you will ever get back what you had

you will never 100% trust him, and what is there without that????

it is not worth the risk of him relapsing and making your life hell that you revert back to ADs and depression

stay strong (((((hugs)))))

Well quite. I left him because I had nothing left, no trust, no faith, he was making me utterly utterly miserable.

He phoned again last night to say how lovely the village they were in was and that there was a guy teaching his boy to ride a bike.. how he wanted to do that with dd.. I told him that was funny as when I bought her first proper 'big' bike last year he didn't really seem to have time. He said "I know, I was such a fucking idiot, I am so sorry. I am gutted"

This is so sad. So many mess ups on his part, so many resentments you're afraid to let go of because they remind you he can be a git. And if you don't remember he can be a git, you might fall for his flannel again. But what if he really has changed?

Have you spoken to your counsellor about all this Mascara? He/she may be able to help you straighten it out in your head. You must be so confused.

haven't read the whole thread moh.

but some bits could be my story with my ex (also addict).

they want to get back with you, of course, they have fucked up their life and lost their family.

your point about the bike sooo rings true - that 'I was such an idiot, I didn't realise what I had' scenario.

I am very clear that I do not want to get back with ex, though of course I wish we were still together in some sort of fantasy land since I do believe that two parents would be better for dd than one.

agree about the lying too. I know ex is still using, yet every now and then I get weak and emotional and wonder if we could still make a go of it... he left his phone here recently, I browsed the texts (not proud, but wanted to know where his head was at for dd's sake) and it was clear that his life is still largely drug-related.

enjoy your new life, stay on good terms with him if you can but don't get sucked back in through loneliness!

stay strong!