I can't go on like this

[hoopieghirl]

My partner and I have been together 10 years. Up to 3 years ago I would have said our relationship was perfect. We never really argued laughed a lot etc etc. Both his parents got dementia so he moved back home to help them. 3 years ago 1/7/22 his parents house caught fire, his mum died in fire and my partner horrifically burnt. He was in a coma for 2 weeks and in Burns Unit for 6, months. It was during COVID so things very difficult. His brother is a psycho I had to deal with him also. Anyway my partner was brought out of coma to learn his mum had died he couldn't go to hospital as he was too ill but they let him watch funeral via zoom. The drugs he was on made him paranoid and delusional, seeing insects everywhere etc. I admit I found the pressure very difficult any could have handled it better. He convinced himself of things that were not true. Accused me of coming up to hospital drunk which did not happen. Told me nurses said I was abusive to him and he had it on his medical records I'm manic not true. He has made a fabulous recovery but still has long way to go. However he is a changed man. Moody and short tempered. I understand the trauma he suffered is horrific but he lashes out at me verbally when we have a disagreement, casts up things from 3 years ago. I trained to be a Samaritan as I wanted to help other people going through similar. I was proud to be accepted and to complete the training. However all my partner has done is criticise and ridicule me. 'You can help strangers but you were useless to me in hospital "etc. . I can't take it anymore. At present he is giving me the silent treatment because I scanned my card too soon in Sainsbury's and the staff had to come over. He needs to deal with his trauma but thinks he is so much better. I can't go on like this. He developed a crush on the psychologist in hospital she was totally professional so all in his mind. He convinced himself staff were his best friends and became institutionalised after 6, months in jospital.When Psychologist was leaving he bought her a £300 pandora bracelet because she helped him more than I did he said. I was given nothing to or my birthday or Christmas.I'm gutted.

You need to walk away from this relationship OP for your own good.
Yes what happened to your partner was tragic but it doesn't give him the right to treat you as he is doing.

If I read correctly, you have been helping your partner for the last 3 years since the traumatic fire where he lost his mum and was injured, and you have endured his verbal abuse, his false accusations, and his seeming flirting/interest in other women?

It is time to go. If it were mere months, I would have a different recommendation. You have done more than enough to help him, and his behavior is now detrimental to you. You cannot save someone who is drowning by letting them drown you to get out.

Best of luck.

You sound like you’ve been through your own hell. You must be wrung out and exhausted. I’m afraid it’s time to leave him and find some peace for yourself. You deserve it.

Thank you. He doesn't think I did enough while he was in hospital etc. I don't drive so had to travel to hospital on public transport. When he left hospital he was found a flat by social work in a supported living unit. I helped make it into a home as he couldn't do alot when discharged
First Christmas home he could not get up stairs in my house as he had skin grafts on his feet. I had to help him with toileting, change his burns dressings etc but it's still not enough apparently.

Honestly OP it sounds as though you have done everything in your power to help him as best you can.
Enough is enough.
You must think of yourself.
You have nothing to feel guilty about if you walk away.

You’ve done what you can. It’s time to walk away.

He would have left you long before now if the tables were turned.

Don’t spend any more of your precious time on this relationship. It will never bring you happiness.

I agree with others. Nothing you do will ever satisfy him, and he appears to take pleasure in being unpleasant towards you. There really is no point in continuing this relationship. It is destroying you.

If you came on here looking for permission to leave, you have it.

Thank you ladies. I really am grateful for your support. Been hell for nearly 3 years and felt guilty leaving after all he had been through but he is killing me a bit at a time.

He has been taking everything out on you, you can’t carry on being the target for all his frustrations, there is nothing you can do to help him. The man you loved has long gone and it’s time you walked away. You deserve to be happy

Your right. My partner died in that fire and is never coming back. It's a stranger now in his place.

That is the stark reality OP.
It's very sad but true.
And it's good if you can see that now and move on with your life.
All good wishes to you going forward.

Run. Be free.

How awful for your, soon to be, X and all he has been through.
BUT you have been there for 3 years and it seems you're the whipping boy . It is definitely time to think of yourself and do what you want to do with no guilt.
Fortunately he has his own place from what you've said. Mind and get your keys if he has any.
Good luck, look forward.

With this description, it is hard to understand how he still sees you as "not helping him enough." My bet is he is deeply depressed and his brain is not processing reality at the same level as the rest of us. While you can have empathy for his situation, at the point at which it starts to affect your own mental health severely (and I believe you are there), you can no longer sacrifice yourself to support him.

It may take your absence and interactions with other people for which he treats similarly for him to eventually see that he judged you unfairly. Of course, if he comes back at that point, you really still need to spend considerable time and thought whether you would want to take him back, as there could be a tendency for him to slide back into old habits.

I phoned him twice today sick of silent treatment. Went straight to voicemail mail. Then got a text message. You could have phoned I haven't changed my number. I texted back that I did twice. He replied "I checked my phone logs no calls". So I sent him a picture of my phone logs which clearly shows two calls to his number this morning. He phoned me back no apology just "oh I rebooted my phone". Sounds like gaslighting To me. He then went into a rant of all I did wrong on Saturday so I put phone down.

Managed to get to speak to someone at my local Woman's Aid which shockingly is closing in July. They were very helpful helped me see things a bit clearer. Thank you for all your advice it means a lot to me xx

@MeganM3 , is very insightful with her response that had the tables been turned, he would have left a long time ago. I think one could say that "a long time ago" would probably translate to years. When you look at it from this perspective, you really should no longer feel guilt about leaving the relationship. And further, you should not worry about how you will be perceived. Your circle of family and friends know that you stuck with him for 3 years and cared for him. They, no doubt, have also been witness to his treatment of you.

Best of luck.

He’s angry at the world and he’s taking it out on you. Enough is enough, look after yourself.

This relationship isn't doing either of you any good anymore.

Agreed he’s directing his anger at the tragic situation on you and now he’s fixed that attention on you, it’s unlikely to change. I’ve been in your shoes killing myself to save someone else, you have to finally realise this man’s happiness and care are not your responsibility and especially not to your detriment. You’ve done more than your bit, time to go. Good luck.

I think you’re a painful reminder of the past, he’s bitter of all the trauma he has endured, the painful loss of his mum and himself. He sees you, being exactly the same and it angers him so much.
You need to walk away for your own sanity, you will have to block him from contacting you, maybe you can go away for a weeks rest somewhere and start planning your future, making yourself your priority and doing things that bring you happiness.

Thank you this really helped. I phoned him this morning. He would not let me speak just started ranting that I had kicked off on Saturday screaming in Sainsbury's. I do not remember this at all. Even brought my ex husband into it who has nothing to do with this at all. I never ever thought I would be in this situation. I feel like I am losing my sanity.

Why haven't you dumped him yet?

This situation isn't going to get any better. My ex husband was in a decade long relationship with a woman who had serious health issues - he did everything for her, she openly admitted to me (and other people) that she wanted someone who 'would do more for her'...when pressed to say exactly what extra she wanted him to do, she couldn't say. She had tonnes of friends offering to help out, but she refused them all, wanted my ex to be her full time carer, even though he was already working a very demanding full time job.

She died last year, and he's since admitted that she was also physically abusive to him. He's now having counselling for PTSD. He also admits he should have left her at least 5 years before she died and her abuse ramped up.

Send him a text and say something like "This relationship isn't working for me any more, so I'm ending it now. I wish you all the best." and then block him?

just because he has been through a very traumatic experience it doesn't give him the right to abuse you. You have to end this relationship the other option is to stay and have an absolutely miserable life because this situation will not get better.

Gaslighting is incredibly damaging. You are literally told that your perception of reality is wrong- that your memory is wrong- and not just a bit wrong but completely different to what reality is. You’ll feel like you’re going mad- and when you get out and it stops, it’s like being reborn.

The term comes from a play in which the husband keeps turning down the gas lighting in their home so it’s really dim, but telling his wife that the house is brightly lit whenever she says ‘oh isn’t it dark in here’. In the play he drives her insane and has her committed. And people who do this are just as sinister and harmful as the play depicts. I really hope you end things, @hoopieghirl . I agree that he’s turning his anger at the situation onto you and the sooner you get away, the better for you. He is actively harming you now.