Think DP might be using again… need hand hold

[HondaFresh]

Bit of a long one sorry but not sure who else to talk to. Name changed obvs.

Been with DP 4 years, we’ve got a DS (2) and another on the way. Things have been decent mostly, not perfect but who is. When we met he told me he used to have a bit of a problem with coke and pills but swore he’d been clean a good while and tbh I believed him. He seemed solid, held down a job, no major red flags.

Lately though I’m getting that horrible gut feeling. He’s been edgy as anything, going out a lot more “to see mates” but won’t say who, money’s tighter than it should be (he’s self employed so it’s hard to track exactly), and I swear I found a little baggie in his coat pocket last week. Empty but still. He said it was old and forgot it was there. I wanted to believe him but it’s niggling at me.

Last night he came home off his face, no question. Tried to act normal but slurring and pupils like saucers. Said he’d had a few drinks with the lads but he doesn’t usually drink much at all. DS was asleep thankfully but still made my skin crawl.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want this round my kids but I still love him and want him to get help. Feel so bloody stupid. Don’t want to talk to friends/family yet cos I don’t want them thinking bad of him if he sorts himself out. But I’m scared this is the start of a slippery slope.

What do I even say to him? Don’t want to push him away but I can’t ignore it either. Just want a hand hold really.

Thanks if you read x

Hiya, I work for SMU services so I’m hoping this helps.

you need to absolutely communicate that you know that he used it and that you will not tolerate it around you or the children. Say you want him to trust you and have an open conversation so you can fully see how much it is that he is using. Not that it’s brilliant either way but at least you’ll have a grasp on the truth. Then you can start laying boundaries. Tell him how you feel about it and what you need to happen for the relationship to continue.

I don't think I could tolerate this in what you describe as a "mostly decent" relationship.
When he told you he'd previously used, did you tell him it was a deal breaker if he relapsed?

You do not want this around your kids but it’s already here around your child. You also do not want this addict around you. You may love him but love is not enough. Only he can decide if he wants help; no amount of words from you will work here. You cannot make him get help if he does not want it and keeping this quiet is enabling behaviour which does not help you or he. it only gives you a false sense of control.

And are you confusing love with codependency?.

. He told you he previously had a drug problem which you believed. However addicts lie and lie routinely to others as well as themselves. He still has a drugs problem and he does not want your help and support . Put your kids and you now front and centre and leave this man. He will drag you all down with him.

Thanks both, really appreciate the replies x

To the first poster – that actually helps a lot. Makes sense what you’re saying. I think I’ve been tiptoeing round it cos I didn’t want to “accuse” him in case I was wrong but deep down I know I’m not. You don’t come home looking like that from a pint with the lads. I’ll try and talk to him properly tonight when DS is in bed and just be straight with him like you said. No shouting just… I need to know the truth. Cos yeah if it’s full on again I need to know what I’m dealing with.

To second poster – tbh no I didn’t say that exactly, I probably should’ve. I kinda just took his word for it and didn’t push. Naive of me really. I think part of me thought, well we all have a past and he seemed to have it together. But yeah “mostly decent” probs says it all. I don’t think I could do it long term either if this carries on. Just trying to work out if it’s a blip or full on back into it.

Feel a bit all over the place tbh. Thanks again for replying x

He does not need a nice cosy chat.

This is the second time now you’ve found him with drugs within a week and you know deep down the small plastic bag you found on him was recently acquired. Now he’s escalated into actually being off his face yesterday . What example is he to either child here, let alone you?. You are pregnant. How many more times is he going to go off his face before you actually throw the towel in?. You have a choice re this man, your kids do not.

this isn’t the start of the slippery slope, he’s already halfway down it

And talking to him about this will in all likelihood be a complete waste of time. He could well deny it all, shout at you or otherwise stonewall you. Where are the consequences from you for his actions?

What is the situation re the finances and property?.

Ultimatum time.
You, your 2 kids or drugs

Yeah you might be right tbh. I’ve had that convo in my head a hundred times already and in every version he either lies or flips it back on me. He can be proper defensive even at the best of times.

Finances are a bit messy. I work part time since having DS but he earns more, tho it’s up and down cos of his work. We rent and it’s in both our names so not like I can just boot him out. We’ve got a joint account for bills but I’ve noticed money going out that doesn’t add up. I asked him and he said it was “tools” for work but didn’t show me anything. Starting to think that’s BS.

I dunno. Just feel like I’m on a knife edge. Don’t want to be dramatic but also don’t want my kids round this if it gets worse. Just feel stuck right now x

That bag isn’t 4 years old. You know he has been using, you’ve found evidence and you’ve seen him high. You don’t need anything more than that. So now it all depends on him. If it was a problem for him before it will be again. What does he want to do about it?

You have to have the conversation in reality and not second guess him. If he does lie and bs you then you have your answer.

And you can kick him out.

I’ve lost friends to drugs. Unfortunately, they lie. And lie. And lie. And, eventually, if they don’t get help then they lose everything - family, friends, home - and unless they clean up with help and support from the proper authorities, they die.

I don’t think that a drug addict is ever an ex-addict, they are always one slip away from starting again.

Please, please get things in order to get yourself and the children out of this situation. He will then either get help to get clean again, in which case you can see if you want to rebuild the relationship, or he wont. But either way, you will be safe.

I miss my friend every day. But unfortunately heroin got him in his teens and although we borrowed him back, it took him forever when he was in his late 30s. Get yourself to safety while you can.

I’m sorry this is happening. Addicts don’t change unless they want to. I wouldn’t want the stress of it when pregnant – it’s already escalated to the point that he doesn’t care that you know he’s using. He’s probably been using and hiding it better for a while. You won’t get an open honest conversation because it’s in his interests to lie to you. You’ll stay and he’ll carry on and you will always have that horrible feeling in your gut that he’s lying to you. Will you trust him alone with the kids? These nights out will continue when you have a newborn.

In your shoes I would be firm but blunt, I.e I know you’re using, I won’t have it around our children so I’d like you to leave. We can discuss you coming back when you show me what changes you’re making to get clean. I love you and will support you but I won’t have this in my home.

Supporting an addict is lifelong work. I’m all for sickness and in health but truly you get dragged down too. It affects everything. And you will struggle to ever believe what they’re telling you.

Yeah you’re right. I think I needed someone else to say it out loud tbh. Cos in my head I’ve been going round in circles thinking maybe I’m overreacting or seeing stuff that’s not there. But I’m not. I know I’m not. That bag was def recent and he was off his face. No denying it really.

I need to just have it out with him properly and stop waiting for some “perfect” moment. If he owns it and wants help then maybe there’s a way forward. If he lies or gaslights me then that’s my answer like you said. Not risking my kids being round this.

Kicking him out won’t be easy but if it comes to that I’ll do what I have to. Just hate that it’s come to this. Didn’t sign up for this crap.

Thanks for the reality check x

Doing drugs on a Sunday night is grounds for a split, he's treating you like an idiot.

I have a past with drugs and if I was doing what he is doing I'd be very worried about myself.

He could have been open and honest but instead he's hiding it and that's really bad.

God yeah reading all that hit hard but you’re both spot on. I think deep down I knew he’s been back on it a while and just covering it better. Sunday night thing really rattled me cos that’s not just a one off, that’s someone who’s fully back in it and doesn’t even care if I see.

You’re right, he could’ve been honest. That’s what really hurts. If he came to me and said he was struggling I’d have bent over backwards to help him, but instead he’s lying and sneaking and I’m meant to just carry on like nothing’s wrong. I do feel like he thinks I’m thick sometimes.

And no I wouldn’t trust him alone with the kids right now. That’s a horrible thing to admit but it’s true. I’ve already started thinking about how to manage on my own with 2 cos I can’t have this around us. I’m going to talk to him later like you said – straight and calm. If he wants to get clean and actually shows it then maybe we work through it. If not then I’ll tell him to go.

Thanks again for the tough love. It helps x

You don't want the kids around this 'if it gets worse'? So you're ok with them being around it as it is now (dad coming home high as a kite and spending family money on drugs, you on a knife edge and too hesitant to tackle him about it)?!

This is so tough Op. When he got clean before, did he go to rehab or through the 12 steps, or was it just will power? What caused him to get clean before? Knowing this might help you think through how he might respond, and what support you might be able to put in place for him, if he’s prepared to admit it.

I wonder if the pregnancy might be have been a trigger, or if there’s some other stress in his life that has caused him to fall off the wagon? He may even be hiding this from you.

Either way, he’s clearly fallen hard as he’s unable to keep it hidden from you anymore. You need to ask him to leave to keep your kids safe, and you need to put yourself first here. That doesn’t mean you can’t support him. But if he’s leaving empty bags of drugs around there’s every chance your dc could get hold of them on a bad day.

Don’t ask him if he’s using again, tell him you know he is and if he wants to get clean you’re prepared to support him, but if he lies and / or refuses to seek help he needs to leave the family home right now.

When drugs are involved you need to think about what would happen if social services caught wind of this, because 1. They should be involved when there are children around and 2. It's not something you should conceal for his protection.

I also think that you don't need to know for definite. If you can assume beyond reasonable doubt he is using then your loyalty to him ends because it should be wholly with your children.

Yeah fair enough, that first comment stung a bit but you’re right. I’ve been trying to downplay it cos I didn’t want to admit how bad it’s already got. Truth is I’m already living with it and it’s already affecting the kids, even if they don’t see the full picture yet. Me being stressed out, snappy, constantly watching him – that stuff rubs off on them. And the money side too, it’s not just “his” problem.

He didn’t do rehab or 12 steps before, not that I know of anyway. He told me he stopped when things got messy with an ex and he lost a job, said it gave him a wake up call and he just quit. I probably should’ve asked more but at the time I just took it as a good sign. Now I’m wondering if he ever fully stopped or just got better at hiding it.

I’m 100% thinking the new baby might’ve triggered something. Things have been tense lately, he’s stressed about money and work and stuff. But like you said, even if there’s a reason, it doesn’t excuse it. I found the bag in a coat hanging in the hallway ffs – DS could’ve easily grabbed it. That’s been sitting heavy on me ever since.

I won’t ask him, I’ll tell him. I know. And I’ll say if he wants help and actually follows through, I’ll support him. But if he lies or tries to spin it, I’ll ask him to leave. Hate that it’s come to this but it’s not just about me anymore. Appreciate the bluntness, I needed it x

We have a drug/alcoholic in my extended family. He's lost various relationships, jobs, friends and family over a long period of time, due to his addictions. He's been in rehab several times, and always relapses at some point. He's ended up living on the streets previously, when he's at rock bottom. Like others have said, addicts lie and lie a bit more. You've found a bag which likely held drugs and he's come home high as a kite. So you know he's taking drugs again, but this time you have a child to consider. Your child's well-being and safety must come first, therefore he leaves - you won't tolerate drugs or an addict in the house or in your child's life. He has a choice - he continues to take drugs and loses his family or he seeks proper help. Unfortunately, addicts will only seek help when they are ready to get clean, and forcing your partner into rehab or therapy etc, when he's not interested in being clean (regardless of the words coming out his mouth!) will likely only result in him lying to you and continuing to use. As hard as it is for you, and knowing how my relative has been, you'd save yourself more heartache if you walk now.

You absolutely should not be supporting him by remaining in a living situation with him.

I suggest you do AlAnon or an alternative relations-based support programme.

If you continue to live with him, you're enabling him. You're sending the message that it doesn't matter that he's using because he will always have a house and home and there'll always be someone to mop up his mess.

You're also being incredibly naive if you think that an addict will just stop using.

Even addicts in recovery have slip ups that can land them back at square one. It's more common than addicts in recovery just being able to stop cold turkey and never go back.

So again you'd basically be saying: I am fine with you being round me and our vulnerable dependents when on drugs because it's excusable as part of your recovery process and I'm fine with you blowing family money at the expense of our children and livelihood because you have an illness.

The reason he probably quit last time, if he even did, was because his ex was finally not there to enable him to continue to live that lifestyle without repercussions but now he has got you.

You can't love the addiction away. You can't fix him because you think deep down he is a sweet and gentle man who deserves tender loving kindness to heal. His addiction is not your problem to fix.

The only safe and real solution here is to remove yourself and your children from this situation, before this issue spirals out of control and social services take steps to safeguard your children that you have not taken.

You need to speak to your midwife who had an obligation yo safeguard you and your children and reach out for support now.

He was clearly off his face and not on alcohol. Ultimatum time im afraid. Youre pregnant with another child, you and you children should feel safe. Perhaps its time to get him out of the house before your child rifles through his coat pocket and finds some smarties this time. Hes not safe to be at home unfortunately

Leaving drugs in baggies in a coat pocket (even if empty by the time you found it) when there is a 2 year old in the house is sufficient grounds to get him out. If your DS found that first, or worse pills that look like sweets, that could be deadly.

Whatever your ultimate decision about the future of the relationship, he can’t be around you and DS now. And I would start documenting everything you notice so you have a good case for refusing unsupervised contact with the kids unless/until he’s clean

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I agree with PP about speaking to a support organisation for yourself.

I’d be really clear in your mind what you want from the conversation before you approach him and what steps you need him to take. As a minimum I’d expect:

Admitting he’s been using. If he does this then;

• Making an appointment with his GP
• Attending NA
• Full transparency on all finances - sight of his bank statements, agreement on all expenditure so you can see where is money is going

You probably won’t want to do this but for the safety of your DC and to give him a wake up call you really need to think about asking him to move out / stay somewhere else until he is clean. Has he got family he can stay with?

If he denies it, minimises / brushes it off or refuses to take any of the steps above, then he is leaving you with no choice because if you don’t break it off then you’re effectively green lighting him to continue. It may take a few conversations though Op, he may deny / become defensive initially but you might find he sees you’re serious that he changes his tune. Either way, there’s really nothing more you can do - he’s got to want to get sober himself.