I feel burdened

[Daisymon]

One of my partner’s old friend’s has Asperger’s Syndrome. He is told by different agencies he must have a capable adult with him during meetings. His mother is in her 70s and has been going to the meetings. The last one I attended with his mother to meet social services. They seemed to be on their guard as they didn’t know who I was. I work in the sector and I will know if he has the wool pulled over his eyes.

Now his mother has said she won’t attend anymore and he expects me to come regularly. This was supposed to be a one off me attending so I could see if they were doing what they are supposed to be doing. I work full time and should be working in the day. This is all about an anti social behaviour dispute.

Social services can’t help with ASB and they have said so. Myself and others have told him to sell up and move but he digs his heals and keeps wasting his time engaging with these agencies who can’t and won’t help. The police and other agencies have said they won’t help. I haven’t got time to help him. I have family members who are unwell and need my help.

My partner has just lost his mother and needs me. I even told this guy this and to find someone else to attend the meeting but he still expects me as a back up.

Youve given him advice, said you cant give him anymore time. So stop. Stop feeling guilty. His mum can still advocate for him.

Not your circus, not your monkey. Make a simple, factual statement over text 'I have given you all the help I can. My advice was to sell up and move and I agreed with SS that they cannot offer any more help with this matter. Due to personal circumstances in my own life I am unable to offer any more help than this. I hope you get sorted out but won't be responding to you again'.

Then ignore anything further.

He's your partner's friend, not yours. You've given your professional opinion, now it's time for others to step up. If your partner is stretched too thinly himself because of the loss of his mother, HE needs to tell his OWN friend to rely on someone else.

He expects it. Ok...so what?

You have to just say no and don't make up excuses either. Just say no, that won't work for me.

Keep saying no and if he persists you will have to block him.

This

You don't need an excuse to disengage, just do broken record on him or ignore. Even if you had the time, turning up isn't actually helpful.

You're there to enable and validate a very fixed, unrealistic, rigid point of view....you see it as "helping" a fellow human being as you're loosely connected through your partner.

He's seeing it as you volunteering to offer unconditional support in whatever it is HE wants to do, even if it's detrimental to him.

In situations like this when people are entrenched, they tend to progress "crisis by crisis".

I don't think there's much to be said here really. He expects support that you're unable to provide, he may or may not be capable of understanding why, but it's immaterial really since you're not going. Obviously I see why you feel burdened, but it's simply a question of asserting a boundary. You know what to do.

Just say no, and keep saying no. Contact SS yourself and tell them that you will not be accompanying this person any more and why. He is not your responsibility and if SS need him to have an appropriate person to accompany him, they they will have to arrange it.

Not your circus, not your monkeys, as another pp says.

These people are not your family and it sounds like you have your own family to deal with. It's pretty presumptuous of them to expect you to come every time after you did a favor once. I wouldn't feel bad about saying no. This man is being extremely unreasonable and this is simply not your problem to solve. His mother has chosen not to support him anymore--not your problem.

I'm guessing you feel burdened by the expectation that you go every time. Free yourself by simply saying a firm no, and if this man asks again, say, "I've given you my answer." Or don't even reply at that point.

Thank you for your advice. I will flat out refuse if he asks again. For some reason he has sent me a big long message about all the problems he has had in his day. I am going to ignore it now as he doesn’t respect my time or problems. Got no time for negativity.

He bombarded me with lots of messages last night as I didn’t reply. He has done the same this morning. Now he is going on about his toxic parents who emotionally abuse him and sister to me.

It’s too much negativity for me, I’m not a qualified counsellor and don’t get paid to hear all this. I have told him before to move but he moved back in with his parents and says they are controlling. Just ignores good advice. I will continue to slow phase him because I have had enough.

I don't think you can slow phase someone like this. They don't really get hints, or don't care.

Just say you won't be reading anymore, and then block.

“I am going to be blunt so that it is clear to you what the situation is. You must stop messaging me. I’m not a qualified counsellor. I cannot help you with the issues you have. There are organisations that can support you so you need to use them. I’m going to block your number now as I have my own concerns to focus on. If you continue to try and contact me I will be reporting you to the police for harassment because you are not respecting that I have said no I can’t help you repeatedly. That includes trying to contact me through other people. I wish you all the best in sorting out your issues but I am not going to be involved in any of this.”

This is perfect, OP. Send it today.

Yes, do that and then block him.

That is a really assertive message. Thank you so much. I will use this, Even my partner had to block him a few months ago as it was getting too much.

I understand his parents are being domestically abusive so I have found 3 charities and got the links and phone numbers ready and will signpost him to them.

I have just messaged and been very firm and said I am not qualified and not getting involved with his problems and going to meetings and that it’s not on.

I have sent him links to 3 charities and told him to talk to them about the domestic abuse he is getting from his parents. That way he can’t make excuses saying he doesn’t know who to call as he has been given the details.

I will block him if he starts again as I already told him before and he went back to his old ways of moaning.

I’m so angry. Now he is saying it wasn’t a nice message. I have said I have my own experience past of domestic abuse and it is a trigger to talk about those conversations. He is trying to blackmail saying he has been there for me recently which he was briefly but before that he has bombarded me for a long time and I have had enough.

I have said the other agencies are far more equipped to deal with these situations. I don’t know why he feels the need to tell me on a daily basis about his life. I don’t need to know and it’s not healthy. I don’t have that level of contact with other friends.

Don't waste your time and energy being angry.

That's enough now. Block him and leave it be.

I will have to block him. He says we can talk about my domestic abuse. He is a nutjob as it’s in the past and I don’t want to relive it.

Block the number now. You don’t have to respond to him.

“Be kind” 🙄

He does sound like an emotional vampire. At this point you have given the help, stated your boundary, given the warning- it’s fair enough to block now.

You did as you were asked in attending the meeting. You have been very honest with him and sent him links to get help.
You can’t help some people, you’ve done your best now is the time to put yourself first, you don’t need constant messages from him. Block him.

Don't respond again and block him.

You owe him nothing else and he will keep the conversation and accusations going for as long as you let him and for as long as you keep responding.

If you block the number none of his shit will get through and you can put him out of your mind entirely. You've said all that needs to be said.

You have met a prime example of Dr Az Hakeem’s definition of an autistic person. He has a complete inability to see someone else’s point of view. He can’t help that.

However, you are not obligated to take him on as a project. You said you would assist and you have. You have signposted to agencies and now you can say goodbye and block him.

I’m going to block him. I left his message unread then over a week later he tagged me in a post saying he was worried about me. I briefly messaged him and said I am burnt out, work full time and need to rest and avoid focus time consuming and stressful situations.

He replies days later saying I never warned him about ignoring him. I sent 2 messages beforehand saying I can’t help and signposted him to other agencies because I was unwell and don’t want to talk about domestic abuse due to past experience. He says a mutual friend has said I don’t care about his problems - that’s true I did say that.

I replied and said I did warn you I was focusing on myself and gave you other agencies to contact. I said I am not well and burnt out and have every right to put myself first.

My brother and dad are having operations soon and partner is very fragile right now - his mother died. I just don’t have time or energy to take someone else’s problems on and that goes for anybody. I’m not prepared to crack up and get sectioned for other people.

I said before you met me you must have confided in other people so where have they gone? I said I told you 16 months ago to sell up and most of your problems would go. Still in the same position now so whatever advice I gave hasn’t worked.

He tried to gaslight and blame my partner who has had enough of him and blocked him a few months ago. He was part of a social group my partner set up and even a few members had enough of him and cut him off.

Vile human being. It’s all about him. It’s clear no one else has listened to him while I have not been speaking to him.