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Original poster

Talking to daughter about weight (this isn’t AIBU)

46 replies

IdiottoGoa · 08/06/2025 18:03

I’m really worried about my daughter, she has put on a lot of weight since having kids (now 12 and 8) to the point that her breathing and joints are really struggling. She can’t walk up a slight hill without stopping for a rest.

Everytime anyone posts a similar themed post, people respond saying ‘she / he knows they’re overweight, you don’t need to tell her’. So I say nothing.

In a recent conversation, she was really offended that a friend had asked to borrow a tshirt when that friend was loads bigger than her. I saw the friend today, she’s nowhere near as big as daughter, so she clearly doesn’t know.

She’s been told she’s obese, she was in hospital recently and they had to get a bigger BP cuff, but she still seems to not be aware.

Any suggestions on how to help her?

(we walk together, I share recipes, send gousto code, buddy up with noom etc. nothing is consistent for her)

OP posts:
lnks · 08/06/2025 18:07

She already knows. What would speaking to her achieve apart from damaging your relationship?

PurpleLemonade7 · 08/06/2025 18:25

I've had to have this conversation 3 times with different family members. Emotional manipulation usually works, the good old "You mean so much to me, I don't want to have to bury you"
"Your children won't have a mother if something doesn't change, do you want them to suffer that pain?" "Have you taught your young children how to call an ambulance if you have a heart attack?"
I once used "do you have any idea how expensive and difficult it would be to find a large enough coffin, I'd have to buy a double plot"

Yes it's harsh and horrible, you're deliberately hurting someone you love. But after 20+ years of gentle support and encouragement not working, eventually the harsh truth is all that's left and the alternative is the person you love hurting themselves and everyone else.

TanyaMcQuoidHunt · 08/06/2025 18:28

PurpleLemonade7 · 08/06/2025 18:25

I've had to have this conversation 3 times with different family members. Emotional manipulation usually works, the good old "You mean so much to me, I don't want to have to bury you"
"Your children won't have a mother if something doesn't change, do you want them to suffer that pain?" "Have you taught your young children how to call an ambulance if you have a heart attack?"
I once used "do you have any idea how expensive and difficult it would be to find a large enough coffin, I'd have to buy a double plot"

Yes it's harsh and horrible, you're deliberately hurting someone you love. But after 20+ years of gentle support and encouragement not working, eventually the harsh truth is all that's left and the alternative is the person you love hurting themselves and everyone else.

Are you Gillian McKeith?

Don't do any of this^^ op.

She has been told she is obese by a HCP. I would maybe mention that she could do with losing weight, but please none of the "have you taught your children what to do if you have a heart attack?" stuff. Sweet mother Mary. Stress is pretty unhealthy too tbh. Making her feel like shit or giving her anxiety will not make her healthier.

HappyDayzAhead1 · 08/06/2025 18:29

@PurpleLemonade7 did it work on those people you said it to?

PurpleLemonade7 · 08/06/2025 18:30

HappyDayzAhead1 · 08/06/2025 18:29

@PurpleLemonade7 did it work on those people you said it to?

Yes. Otherwise I wouldn't suggest it

TanyaMcQuoidHunt · 08/06/2025 18:32

PurpleLemonade7 · 08/06/2025 18:30

Yes. Otherwise I wouldn't suggest it

Show quote history

Wow, so you single handedly got people who were very obese to lose weight with just the power of your magical words. Put down the mounjaro lads! Purple Lemonade has cracked it. Not all heroes wear capes. Amazing

PurpleLemonade7 · 08/06/2025 18:35

TanyaMcQuoidHunt · 08/06/2025 18:32

Wow, so you single handedly got people who were very obese to lose weight with just the power of your magical words. Put down the mounjaro lads! Purple Lemonade has cracked it. Not all heroes wear capes. Amazing

Show quote history

Do you have a suggestion? Or are you just here to mock others?

Pinty · 08/06/2025 18:35

PurpleLemonade7 · 08/06/2025 18:25

I've had to have this conversation 3 times with different family members. Emotional manipulation usually works, the good old "You mean so much to me, I don't want to have to bury you"
"Your children won't have a mother if something doesn't change, do you want them to suffer that pain?" "Have you taught your young children how to call an ambulance if you have a heart attack?"
I once used "do you have any idea how expensive and difficult it would be to find a large enough coffin, I'd have to buy a double plot"

Yes it's harsh and horrible, you're deliberately hurting someone you love. But after 20+ years of gentle support and encouragement not working, eventually the harsh truth is all that's left and the alternative is the person you love hurting themselves and everyone else.

And did that make any difference?
I think if anyone spoke to me like that all that would happen is I would avoid you.
You can't make someone lose weight. They have to decide for themselves that that is what they need to do.
I was obese. I didn't weigh myself because I knew I needed to lose weight.wnd I wouldn't go to the doctor because I didn't want them to tell me I was overweight when I already knew.
All a comment like those above would do is make me lose confidence and stop going out. It wouldn't make me lose weight.
I have been dieting for a while and am now overweight but not obese. I will continue dieting until I am optimum weight. But it was my decision and I felt ready to do something about it. I haven't discussed it with anyone and no one has spoken to me about it. That is the last thing I would appreciate.
OP just be there for your daughter and continue to support her

TanyaMcQuoidHunt · 08/06/2025 18:41

PurpleLemonade7 · 08/06/2025 18:35

Do you have a suggestion? Or are you just here to mock others?

Show quote history

I'm not mocking others, (just your posts which frankly deserve to be challenged as they sound like something someone very unpleasant might have said on channel 4 circa 1998), and I've already answered op's query. Your post and your words to your poor relatives are actually pretty abhorrent. I hope they don't speak to you anymore. How awful for them to have someone in their life who would brag about emotionally manipulating them and triumph that "at least they aren't fat anymore"

OverlyFragrant · 08/06/2025 18:44

She needs to do something before she dies and leaves her children motherless, like my mum who had 5 kids aged 11-4 when she died aged 31 from type 2 diabetes.

doodleschnoodle · 08/06/2025 18:54

Sounds like she’s maybe in denial a little bit about how bad it’s got, but it’s very hard to say anything without causing defensiveness or upset.

People generally need to reach a kind of tipping point or have an experience that hammers home to them how bad the situation has become, you can’t really force that to happen.

If you’ve both been using Noom etc it sounds like she’s aware and wants to lose weight so do you have already have a dialogue about it? Is there anything you could do practically for her if she should ask, such as help her afford weight loss medication or accompany her to the GP, help her meal plan, start an exercise class together, etc.

But until she brings it up herself, I would stay quiet but be ready to be supportive when she does reach that point and think about what you can offer.

If you do feel you need to approach her, I would do so but with more of a focus on the concern you feel as a parent rather than any shaming or making her feel like a shitty human or parent.

’DD, I know this is a really horrible discussion to have but I’m your mum and I love you and I’m really worried about your health, and while you might be angry at me, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t try to help and then something happened to you. I’m worried that your weight is affecting your health and that you could end up becoming really unwell and I want to know if I can do anything to help and support you. If you don’t want to talk about it, I totally understand and I won’t bring it up again, but I wanted to say something because I care about you.’

And then go from there, but she may well react badly to the above and there the dialogue will end.

I think she may end up with a wake-up call naturally, or a health scare that makes her aware of how serious the situation is.

RickiRaccoon · 08/06/2025 19:11

I don't think there's much you can do, sorry. There's often a huge amount of denial about the cause ("genetics"), the nutritional content of food and the fact various health conditions are related to their obesity. They need that lightbulb moment and it often takes a very serious health issue or someone close to them making a change and them realising they could too.

Anything you say will be you just not understanding and attacking them over something that's "not their fault". I have a relative who's been seriously overweight for years and we're still quietly waiting as a family for that moment because we love him and are concerned every time he has a new health issue but it's his life and we know we can't help.

ThisCantBeRightCanIt · 08/06/2025 19:18

Ive told my mum regularly that I'm worried about her weight, worried that she will die young and not see dgc grow up. She says I know, I know I'm going to start xyz. It's the same bs I would tell dh when he told me to stop smoking. Ultimately she needs to choose for herself. The difference is it's socially excpetable to say don't smoke/drink but people are offended when you suggest that they might die from being obese. Ultimately she needs to choose for herself BUT I'd tell her how you feel because it's sounds like she's in denial and at least you've tried to help her.

Original poster
IdiottoGoa · 08/06/2025 19:21

lnks · 08/06/2025 18:07

She already knows. What would speaking to her achieve apart from damaging your relationship?

This has been my approach so far but the comment about the friend made me wonder if she genuinely does know.

OP posts:
Original poster
IdiottoGoa · 08/06/2025 19:25

PurpleLemonade7 · 08/06/2025 18:25

I've had to have this conversation 3 times with different family members. Emotional manipulation usually works, the good old "You mean so much to me, I don't want to have to bury you"
"Your children won't have a mother if something doesn't change, do you want them to suffer that pain?" "Have you taught your young children how to call an ambulance if you have a heart attack?"
I once used "do you have any idea how expensive and difficult it would be to find a large enough coffin, I'd have to buy a double plot"

Yes it's harsh and horrible, you're deliberately hurting someone you love. But after 20+ years of gentle support and encouragement not working, eventually the harsh truth is all that's left and the alternative is the person you love hurting themselves and everyone else.

This just isn’t my style, rightly or wrongly, I have spoken to her about her health and tried all the supportive stuff so maybe it should be, I just don’t think I can bring myself to be so harsh to her. Thank you for the suggestion though, I do appreciate you taking the time

OP posts:
Kosenrufugirl · 08/06/2025 19:26

We could all be in denial. I thought I was sticking to 7 units of alcohol a week until I realised the bottle of my regular tipple is 18 units. I am now stretching the same bottle for 2 weeks and trying to cut it further.

I think any conversation you might have need to come from "I am worried about you ".

Nsky62 · 08/06/2025 19:26

I like others was obese, at 49, now 63, couple of stone off, never to return to my bigger self.
Has to be up to the individual, makes life harder physically tho, being bigger, mid stage Parkinson’s now,,life gets tougher, extra weight def not needed in any form.

Original poster
IdiottoGoa · 08/06/2025 19:31

doodleschnoodle · 08/06/2025 18:54

Sounds like she’s maybe in denial a little bit about how bad it’s got, but it’s very hard to say anything without causing defensiveness or upset.

People generally need to reach a kind of tipping point or have an experience that hammers home to them how bad the situation has become, you can’t really force that to happen.

If you’ve both been using Noom etc it sounds like she’s aware and wants to lose weight so do you have already have a dialogue about it? Is there anything you could do practically for her if she should ask, such as help her afford weight loss medication or accompany her to the GP, help her meal plan, start an exercise class together, etc.

But until she brings it up herself, I would stay quiet but be ready to be supportive when she does reach that point and think about what you can offer.

If you do feel you need to approach her, I would do so but with more of a focus on the concern you feel as a parent rather than any shaming or making her feel like a shitty human or parent.

’DD, I know this is a really horrible discussion to have but I’m your mum and I love you and I’m really worried about your health, and while you might be angry at me, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t try to help and then something happened to you. I’m worried that your weight is affecting your health and that you could end up becoming really unwell and I want to know if I can do anything to help and support you. If you don’t want to talk about it, I totally understand and I won’t bring it up again, but I wanted to say something because I care about you.’

And then go from there, but she may well react badly to the above and there the dialogue will end.

I think she may end up with a wake-up call naturally, or a health scare that makes her aware of how serious the situation is.

I think you’re right about the denial, I tried a version of the supportive conversation last year but it didn’t go well. She’s always had a tendency to sulk and we were going out for dinner later and she made a big point about only being allowed a kids portion because she’s so fat. (Which isn’t at all what I said).

Maybe it will have to get to the point of something happening, if I could afford to help her pay for WLI I would but then I’d have to raise the topic. I think that’s the issue, food noise and then a cycle or inactivity caused by aches and pains related to weight.

OP posts:
Original poster
IdiottoGoa · 08/06/2025 19:34

Thank you all, I know in my heart you’re all right. It was a shock today to meet the friend that she described as really fat, who looks to me to be at least two sizes smaller than DD.

I know I have to wait and be there for support when the time is right. Thank you

OP posts:
Blodyneighbour · 08/06/2025 19:48

Perhaps you could take a photo of her and her friend together. A photo can sometimes put things in to perspective.

latetothefisting · 08/06/2025 19:50

lnks · 08/06/2025 18:07

She already knows. What would speaking to her achieve apart from damaging your relationship?

Did you even read the OP? It literally explained why OP is fairly sure her dd doesn't realise. The 'they know how big they are' isn't always true.

Personally I absolutely knew I was overweight, but it was a huge shock when I realised that that I had an obese BMI. I looked chubby but not huge when I looked in the mirror, and just felt that I didn't take good photos when pictures of me showed me much bigger than I thought of myself.

Now I've lost quite a bit of weight but people are so insistent 'you don't need to lose anymore' - I'm still well over a stone above the absolute top end of a 'healthy' weight for my height!

It's so easy to think 'well I'm bigger than X friend but nowhere near as big as Y friend so I can't be that bad,' or 'okay I've had to go up a clothes size in zara but I'm still a 16 in asda so it's just that zara's sizes are tiny.' Or 'I can still fit into my leggings so I can't have put on much weight,' (ignoring the fact that said leggings have been washed and stretched so much they have loosened).

Saying that, I still can't say whether you should say something, OP. It's just such an emotive topic. Perhaps the best thing would be if she brings it up again to lead on gently from that, e.g. if she talks about the friend, say 'really, I don't think X looks that big?'

Narcilante · 08/06/2025 19:51

Please try positivity not negativity. I have struggled with my weight for a long time. I'm not huge but I am an older mother and my motivation is to be around as long as I can to see my children's future. Being told I needed to lose weight never worked for me. It made me want to prove people wrong and led to lots of times I did the opposite and deliberately over ate. I had to find my own motivation and I also had to find the space in my life to put myself first sometimes. I just couldn't do that with a busy job and young kids. Over the years I have gradually learned what works for me and fits in with my life. I have changed my bad habits one at a time. For me fasting works and also the Mediterranean diet, so I now subscribe to the Fast 800. I'm now focusing on incorporating weight training and exercise into my day. I fall off the wagon often but forgive myself and try again. The Fast 800 articles have helped with this. I have also recently downloaded the Finch app too and I like it. It doesn't tell me off when I fail, but I log why I didn't do something that day and build up insights into my own behaviour and motivations. It's a long, long process but doing it this way you can celebrate lots of little wins and learn a lot about yourself in the process.

sprinklesandshines · 08/06/2025 19:53

None of your business. My weight is in the 20’s, I am seeing a diatician, I decided for myself. You will have to let her decide for herself.

She will know she’s far too overweight- she sees herself in the mirror everyday. Us fatties don’t think we are skinny.

She is likely doing these noom/gousto things because you’re telling her to and that’s why they don’t stick.

pinkglitter12 · 08/06/2025 19:58

I would tell her you're worried about her health and the impact this is having on her children. It's not a good example to set plus how does she even have any energy to be a mother if she gets breathless so easily.
Youre her mother so of course you want to and should help her. She is very obviously in denial and could have any physical or mental health issues going on. I couldn't just watch this happen to anyone I love and not do anything.

daffodil2025 · 08/06/2025 20:01

It’s not your place to say and if anyone said anything about my weight then I would avoid that person like the plague and would probably worry that they were judging me every time I ate or drank anything.

One thing which I find very effective to highlight my actual weight is printed photographs. If I were you, I’d take photos of the whole family candidly and get them printed out. It’s amazingly easy to delete/edit digital photos these days so you can to a certain extent be in denial about how you actually look.

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