Page 2 | Talking to daughter about weight (this isn’t AIBU)

Calliopespa · 08/06/2025 20:08

PurpleLemonade7 · 08/06/2025 18:25

I've had to have this conversation 3 times with different family members. Emotional manipulation usually works, the good old "You mean so much to me, I don't want to have to bury you"
"Your children won't have a mother if something doesn't change, do you want them to suffer that pain?" "Have you taught your young children how to call an ambulance if you have a heart attack?"
I once used "do you have any idea how expensive and difficult it would be to find a large enough coffin, I'd have to buy a double plot"

Yes it's harsh and horrible, you're deliberately hurting someone you love. But after 20+ years of gentle support and encouragement not working, eventually the harsh truth is all that's left and the alternative is the person you love hurting themselves and everyone else.

😱

The coffin comment, in particular, is so far beyond. You are definitely right that you used emotional manipulation - as well as shaming and cruelty.

Calliopespa · 08/06/2025 20:09

PurpleLemonade7 · 08/06/2025 18:35

Do you have a suggestion? Or are you just here to mock others?

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Well you seem to be telling us it works wonders …

Motnight · 08/06/2025 20:13

Really hard situation, Op. My DD did tell me that she was worried about my health. She did it kindly, I was very upset at the time. But the more I thought about it the more I realised that she was right. I've lost nearly 6 stone so far, have 4 more stone to go, so you can guess how overweight I was

I think that sometimes you just need to be there for someone and let them come to terms with what they need to do.

ChiliFiend · 08/06/2025 20:22

latetothefisting · 08/06/2025 19:50

Did you even read the OP? It literally explained why OP is fairly sure her dd doesn't realise. The 'they know how big they are' isn't always true.

Personally I absolutely knew I was overweight, but it was a huge shock when I realised that that I had an obese BMI. I looked chubby but not huge when I looked in the mirror, and just felt that I didn't take good photos when pictures of me showed me much bigger than I thought of myself.

Now I've lost quite a bit of weight but people are so insistent 'you don't need to lose anymore' - I'm still well over a stone above the absolute top end of a 'healthy' weight for my height!

It's so easy to think 'well I'm bigger than X friend but nowhere near as big as Y friend so I can't be that bad,' or 'okay I've had to go up a clothes size in zara but I'm still a 16 in asda so it's just that zara's sizes are tiny.' Or 'I can still fit into my leggings so I can't have put on much weight,' (ignoring the fact that said leggings have been washed and stretched so much they have loosened).

Saying that, I still can't say whether you should say something, OP. It's just such an emotive topic. Perhaps the best thing would be if she brings it up again to lead on gently from that, e.g. if she talks about the friend, say 'really, I don't think X looks that big?'

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God, I have done all of these things. Every single one.

MyHouseInThePrairie · 08/06/2025 20:35

Honestly? You dint say anything.

I know exactly what people are saying when they write ‘actually I didn’t realise I was obese etc…’ and all the techniques to fool yourself. I know I’ve used them myself.

And yet Theres nothing you can do. You can’t make her change her diet, do some exercise etc etc… The reasons why she is overweight will be complex and loosing weight is not easy at all. See the fact that the vast majority of people put the weight they lost back on and end up yo-yo dieting. Which increase their weight.
All commenting will do is to make her feel shit. which won’t help.

nc43214321 · 08/06/2025 21:16

PurpleLemonade7 · 08/06/2025 18:25

I've had to have this conversation 3 times with different family members. Emotional manipulation usually works, the good old "You mean so much to me, I don't want to have to bury you"
"Your children won't have a mother if something doesn't change, do you want them to suffer that pain?" "Have you taught your young children how to call an ambulance if you have a heart attack?"
I once used "do you have any idea how expensive and difficult it would be to find a large enough coffin, I'd have to buy a double plot"

Yes it's harsh and horrible, you're deliberately hurting someone you love. But after 20+ years of gentle support and encouragement not working, eventually the harsh truth is all that's left and the alternative is the person you love hurting themselves and everyone else.

Sounds like something my MIL would say 🫠

idrinkandiknowthings · 09/06/2025 13:36

I once used "do you have any idea how expensive and difficult it would be to find a large enough coffin, I'd have to buy a double plot

My jaw literally dropped reading this!!!

Araminta1003 · 09/06/2025 13:41

OP you know weight loss drugs are available privately now if you can afford to pay/help pay for them? Would that make a difference?

Westfacing · 09/06/2025 13:46

Any suggestions on how to help her?

(we walk together, I share recipes, send gousto code, buddy up with noom etc. nothing is consistent for her)

From your last paragraph I assume that you've discussed her weight in the past, or at least nutrition and healthy eating.

Are you in a position to offer to help with paying for weight loss injections?

DogPaulAnka · 09/06/2025 13:49

It’s definitely not always the case that a person knows how overweight they are. I knew I was a bit overweight but I managed to kid myself for years how bad it was. That being said I’m not sure that my mum commenting on it would have helped matters 😬

Blackdow · 09/06/2025 13:53

From ChatGPT

“Hey love, I’ve been holding something in my heart and I want to share it gently—with love, not judgement—because I care so much about you and your health.

Recently, when you mentioned being offended that your friend asked to borrow a T-shirt because you felt she was much bigger than you… it really struck me. I actually saw her not long after, and honestly, it made me wonder if maybe you’re not seeing yourself quite as clearly as others are seeing you. Not in a harsh way—but maybe in a way that’s self-protective, or just really hard to face.

I know weight and health are such sensitive, personal things. But I’ve been worried about how much you seem to be struggling physically—things like getting out of breath walking uphill, or your joints bothering you. I know how hard you work and how much you carry, and I just want life to feel easier and lighter for you. You deserve that.

I’m not bringing this up to upset you, I promise. It’s only because I love you so deeply. I also know you’ve been told before that you’re in an unhealthy weight range, but when I see moments like that one with the T-shirt, it makes me wonder if part of you hasn’t really let that sink in. And I understand why—it’s hard, it’s emotional, and it’s overwhelming.

But I’m here. Not to fix or nag or tell you what to do. Just to support you in whatever way you need—whether that’s talking, walking, trying something new together, or just listening when things feel heavy.

You’ve spent years putting everyone else first. I just want the years ahead to be filled with more comfort, more ease, and more joy for you. You’re so loved. Always.”

Calliopespa · 09/06/2025 15:48

idrinkandiknowthings · 09/06/2025 13:36

I once used "do you have any idea how expensive and difficult it would be to find a large enough coffin, I'd have to buy a double plot

My jaw literally dropped reading this!!!

It was so cruel. As if to say “even when you are dead your fatness will be vexing me.”

sprinklesandshines · 09/06/2025 22:44

Blackdow · 09/06/2025 13:53

From ChatGPT

“Hey love, I’ve been holding something in my heart and I want to share it gently—with love, not judgement—because I care so much about you and your health.

Recently, when you mentioned being offended that your friend asked to borrow a T-shirt because you felt she was much bigger than you… it really struck me. I actually saw her not long after, and honestly, it made me wonder if maybe you’re not seeing yourself quite as clearly as others are seeing you. Not in a harsh way—but maybe in a way that’s self-protective, or just really hard to face.

I know weight and health are such sensitive, personal things. But I’ve been worried about how much you seem to be struggling physically—things like getting out of breath walking uphill, or your joints bothering you. I know how hard you work and how much you carry, and I just want life to feel easier and lighter for you. You deserve that.

I’m not bringing this up to upset you, I promise. It’s only because I love you so deeply. I also know you’ve been told before that you’re in an unhealthy weight range, but when I see moments like that one with the T-shirt, it makes me wonder if part of you hasn’t really let that sink in. And I understand why—it’s hard, it’s emotional, and it’s overwhelming.

But I’m here. Not to fix or nag or tell you what to do. Just to support you in whatever way you need—whether that’s talking, walking, trying something new together, or just listening when things feel heavy.

You’ve spent years putting everyone else first. I just want the years ahead to be filled with more comfort, more ease, and more joy for you. You’re so loved. Always.”

Edited

This reads just like CHATGPT, probably because it is. Both tactless and lazy. Very very obvious when it’s AI.

Thunderpants88 · 09/06/2025 22:46

PurpleLemonade7 · 08/06/2025 18:25

I've had to have this conversation 3 times with different family members. Emotional manipulation usually works, the good old "You mean so much to me, I don't want to have to bury you"
"Your children won't have a mother if something doesn't change, do you want them to suffer that pain?" "Have you taught your young children how to call an ambulance if you have a heart attack?"
I once used "do you have any idea how expensive and difficult it would be to find a large enough coffin, I'd have to buy a double plot"

Yes it's harsh and horrible, you're deliberately hurting someone you love. But after 20+ years of gentle support and encouragement not working, eventually the harsh truth is all that's left and the alternative is the person you love hurting themselves and everyone else.

Genuinely asking. What was the result of these conversations?

go through all three

girlwhowearsglasses · 09/06/2025 22:55

PurpleLemonade7 · 08/06/2025 18:25

I've had to have this conversation 3 times with different family members. Emotional manipulation usually works, the good old "You mean so much to me, I don't want to have to bury you"
"Your children won't have a mother if something doesn't change, do you want them to suffer that pain?" "Have you taught your young children how to call an ambulance if you have a heart attack?"
I once used "do you have any idea how expensive and difficult it would be to find a large enough coffin, I'd have to buy a double plot"

Yes it's harsh and horrible, you're deliberately hurting someone you love. But after 20+ years of gentle support and encouragement not working, eventually the harsh truth is all that's left and the alternative is the person you love hurting themselves and everyone else.

Just NO. Do not say these things. In what world would this help?

AccordiontheCat · 09/06/2025 23:01

Whatever you do, please don't stage an "intervention". I was in your daughter's situation - very overweight, in denial but deep down still acutely aware of my weight. I was in an abusive marriage (which my family didn't know about) and was comfort eating massively to cope. My abusive husband persuaded my family to confront me about my weight. It really didn't help and made everything much worse. Eventually I sorted myself out (divorced the husband and had weight loss surgery!) but I had to tackle my weight issues in my own time. My advice would be to offer general support to your daughter and only offer your opinion on her weight/diet etc if she specifically requests it x

coxesorangepippin · 09/06/2025 23:22

I disagree with the 'she already knows' pattle

Yes, she may know, but sometimes it takes someone close to you to say, you know what? You could do with losing weight. I say this from experience. Did me the biggest favor.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 09/06/2025 23:28

PurpleLemonade7 · 08/06/2025 18:25

I've had to have this conversation 3 times with different family members. Emotional manipulation usually works, the good old "You mean so much to me, I don't want to have to bury you"
"Your children won't have a mother if something doesn't change, do you want them to suffer that pain?" "Have you taught your young children how to call an ambulance if you have a heart attack?"
I once used "do you have any idea how expensive and difficult it would be to find a large enough coffin, I'd have to buy a double plot"

Yes it's harsh and horrible, you're deliberately hurting someone you love. But after 20+ years of gentle support and encouragement not working, eventually the harsh truth is all that's left and the alternative is the person you love hurting themselves and everyone else.

This is literally the worst persuasive technique I’ve ever heard. The only rational response would be to face plant into a cheesecake.

Anyway OP I suspect your daughter does know, but if not - keep it simple - darling I think you’ve gained more weight than you realise and I am worried about the impact on your health, joints etc. would you consider checking your BMI / checking in with your GP? Nothing more you can do.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 09/06/2025 23:36

PurpleLemonade7 · 08/06/2025 18:30

Yes. Otherwise I wouldn't suggest it

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Did it buggery

OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO RIGHT, THE SCALES HAVE FALLEN FROM MY EYES, ALL MY ISSUES WITH FOOD AND EMOTIONAL REGULATION HAVE DISAPPEARED.

I AM CURED!! YOU ABSOLUTE GENIUS YOU.

Nothing like a rich fantasy life..

knickerstothat · 10/06/2025 09:11

I remember being at the point your daughter is at. I reached nearly 18 stone and I’m short too so you can imagine the impact on my breathing, joints, heart etc. Except I didn’t notice any of those impacts- or at least I didn’t connect them with my weight in any real way. I kidded myself without really realising it. I’d blame my big boobs for making breathing tricky when trying to climb stairs quickly (but convinced that was just normal). I’d believe it was a normal part of being a mum, we just get a bit bigger and that’s fine. We should be able to enjoy life and being slim would mean missing out on so many treats I enjoyed. And with photos? I could take pictures from a very flattering angle and felt good, when others took photos of me I looked much bigger but I’d tell myself they’d taken it from a bad angle- even though everyone else in the photo would look like their normal selves. The denial is intense!
Nobody mentioned my weight but I don’t know if it would have helped or hindered. It’s hard to say.
My big kick was discovering I had gallstones and non alcoholic fatty liver disease. I googled the effects of both. It was like a lightbulb being switched on! I suddenly clicked and realised how much visceral fat must be pressing on all of my internal organs, how much pressure my heart was being put under, and how if I didn’t sort my health out I would be facing an early grave if I kept going. Scary but true, so I decided that day to overhaul my attitude and diet. I’m now 7 stone down and still losing gradually, healthy diet and exercise has been my method so no injections or surgery as I don’t want a quick fix, I want to do it under my own steam and I’m managing it.
I hope your daughter finds her motivation too OP and for what it’s worth you sound like a caring mum.

Original poster

IdiottoGoa · 10/06/2025 18:21

knickerstothat · 10/06/2025 09:11

I remember being at the point your daughter is at. I reached nearly 18 stone and I’m short too so you can imagine the impact on my breathing, joints, heart etc. Except I didn’t notice any of those impacts- or at least I didn’t connect them with my weight in any real way. I kidded myself without really realising it. I’d blame my big boobs for making breathing tricky when trying to climb stairs quickly (but convinced that was just normal). I’d believe it was a normal part of being a mum, we just get a bit bigger and that’s fine. We should be able to enjoy life and being slim would mean missing out on so many treats I enjoyed. And with photos? I could take pictures from a very flattering angle and felt good, when others took photos of me I looked much bigger but I’d tell myself they’d taken it from a bad angle- even though everyone else in the photo would look like their normal selves. The denial is intense!
Nobody mentioned my weight but I don’t know if it would have helped or hindered. It’s hard to say.
My big kick was discovering I had gallstones and non alcoholic fatty liver disease. I googled the effects of both. It was like a lightbulb being switched on! I suddenly clicked and realised how much visceral fat must be pressing on all of my internal organs, how much pressure my heart was being put under, and how if I didn’t sort my health out I would be facing an early grave if I kept going. Scary but true, so I decided that day to overhaul my attitude and diet. I’m now 7 stone down and still losing gradually, healthy diet and exercise has been my method so no injections or surgery as I don’t want a quick fix, I want to do it under my own steam and I’m managing it.
I hope your daughter finds her motivation too OP and for what it’s worth you sound like a caring mum.

This really touched me, this is exactly what she is like. She might occasionally say ‘I need to lose weight’ as a throwaway comment and this is where I say ‘ooh me too let’s do noom’ or whatever. But she puts the joint problems down to dodgy joints or lack of fitness down to asthma. I’m so worried for her.

It sounds like you’ve really achieved something amazing, I hope your health is improving and you’re enjoying life more, now that you’re feeling healthier

OP posts: