Toxic and manipulative family member

[FluentHam]

Looking for advice or personal experience on handling toxic family relationships.
A close family member has repeatedly insulted me and my family over the years. I’ve tried to keep the peace for the sake of my partner and child, but after a recent situation where boundaries were crossed, I asked for space and said I didn’t want this person in my home anymore. They reacted by cutting contact completely, saying they don’t want to see us—including their grandchild—ever again. They always said that they loved their grandchild a lot!
I’ve never prevented a relationship between them and my child, and it hurts that they’re using this as leverage. I know I’ve done nothing wrong and don’t feel right apologizing just to smooth things over, especially after years of being disrespected. Still, I feel awful that my child might miss out on a relationship with their grandparent.
How do you emotionally come to terms with something like this? And how do you explain it to your child in an age-appropriate way (3yo)?

They've done you a favour. Speaking as the grandchild of a toxic grandparent, I wish my mother had cut all contact with them.

Children should never be around nasty, abusive bullies.

Keep this person out of your life and away from your kid.

It's not actually sad for the child. Sad would be growing up thinking this persons behaviour was normal and to be accepted and emulated.

Also, you probably don't need to explain really to a 3 year old. Just keep saying the person is busy or in holiday until they are forgotten.

Thank you! The thing is I'm that grandchild too, but I can't stop blaming myself and doubting myself, while I know I'm right.

Mil snubbed our dc... He 2qs 3 months old. He is now nearly 11.. Her loss. Dc manage more than fine without toxic relatives...

I never I understand these type of posts.

This person is so toxic and vile you have banned them from your home, but you do want them to have a relationship with your child.

Make it make sense

The trash has taken itself out. They’ve done you a favour.

Your mistakes here were to keep the peace (why did you think it was necessary to do that at all) and to allow a relationship between this person and your child. I can only assume you did this because you hoped against hope and your prior experience of this person (one if your parents?) they would behave better this time around.

This person has not changed and like so many toxic parents has not apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for their actions. The fact is that if a relative is too toxic/difficult for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for your child too. Deal with any FOG(fear obligation. and guilt) you have via therapy.

I don't think your children will be missing out.

This person is toxic, and isn't going to become Not Toxic because you'd like your DCs to have a nice grandparent instead of the one they've got. They are not going to change. They are going to continue to be toxic. The best thing you can do is keep your DCs well out of their way.

At 3, your child will accept any explanation you provide, and will take their cues from you as to how big a deal not seeing this person actually is.

In my case, it's self doubt and family-centered upbringing. Glad that you don't have those dilemmas, hope there's more people like you than me.

Ps I banned them from my home, not in a car way they provoked me. I wasn't proud of it but glad because I would never do this if I was calm.

*calm

I will assume you're fortunate enough to have a more healthy family system and not a dysfunctional one as OP describes.

OP, look up the narcissistic family cult. See if any of it resonates. See if granny dearest might fit the role of the narcissistic matriarch. I have a feeling she will.

When those seeking a healthier dynamic go no contact, it's for one reason; protection. To protect from abuse, manipulation and harm usually after a lifetime.

If the unhinged ones do it, it's a game, a punishment or you've been entirely discarded because as an object to them, they feel they can't manipulate you any longer.

I'd say this is a game. I'd guess they'll be back and you're at risk of being sucked in with false love bombing.

This is a favour to you. The time away from them will give you chance to really assess the relationship. I'd read up on everything I've suggested and start lifting the veil.

Your 3 year old is at risk of significant toxicity and manipulation so the more detachment the better. It's just very tough.

At 3 they're going to be diverted away from talk of granny dear quite quickly. Very basic excuse will suffice for now and just repeat the same line if they ask.

It's harder for you all this. The silent treatment right now is to punish you, to control you, to set off insecurity and anxiety ( which is working) and then when they re contact you're almost grateful. Because you're still bonded to them. They give you enough niceness to keep a part of you attached.

Healing comes through no contact and sticking to that. It's incredibly difficult and I don't underestimate how hard it is to accept what I've said here.

Do not doubt yourself. You are obviously a good person and people like that suck the life out of you. I am going through it at the moment so I fully understand your dilemma.

Stay strong

This seems so sad. If you banned the family member from your house do you think they might have felt they would have no other way of being able to see their DGC and lashed out in hurt in the spur of the moment? Or, would you have allowed the family member to take your DC out without you (which seems unlikely and you would reasonably want to supervise access)?

Did the family member realise their behaviour was upsetting and carried on regardless? Would you be open to your family member apologising for their behaviour for the sake of a relationship with their DGC?

Are you worried about finding a way to explain to your DC if they ask questions further down the line that it wasn’t ‘your fault’ your DC does not see their grandparent?

I only ask because it sounds like you are sad for your DC and despite others saying cut your family member off - only you know the full circumstances and whether there could possibly be a way forward.

I would try and detach from your feelings of guilt.

Why do you think that she would be any different to your child?

I wouldn't worry too much about the child no longer having a relationship with the toxic grandparent. Some children have large extended families and some have few relatives outside their nuclear family; some grow up with only one set of grandparents, or none.

I think they actually enjoyed seeing me upset and angry... Maybe to them it was just angry I don't know. They won't apologize, they don't think that hurting my feelings is something that they need to apologize for. In their head it's me and my DH who must apologize.

There are ways they can see they grandchild, they just said they don't want to.

Deep down you do know that their behaviour, including just cutting their child and grandchild off completely, is absolutely unacceptable and cast iron proof that they are not suitable people to have a relationship with your child.

Try and see this as a positive thing. You refused to accept some toxic behaviour and instead of taking this on board and trying to mend the relationship, they have thrown their toys out of the pram and cut all ties with you and your child. Good riddance I say. Your life will be more peaceful and less stressful without them.

If your child asks about them, just tell them that their grandparents are very busy. At 3 years' old, they will soon forget about them.

Thank you everyone!

More than anything it's the picture of loving grandparents that I can't let go of. You instinctively want best for your children, but then that is just an illusion. There's also so much talk about how children with grandparents are happier.. but they never say that not all grandparents or infact parents are loving and respectful. I honestly never wanted to be in this situation that's why I always tried to keep peace or forget the insults. I think it will take some time for me to stop blaming myself for getting angry that day.

That sounds horrible - to enjoy seeing you upset. Also, as they have said they don’t want to see their grandchild despite having the option to - away from your home they are not worth your time nor any guilt that your DC is missing out.

I think if they have been horrible to you in the past exposing your DC to the same toxic behaviour is not best for them. You don’t need to explain to your child. If they ask later on maybe if they do things in school and they wonder why they don’t have GP just tell the truth. We don’t see them very often should be good enough. If your child persists in asking just tell them their GP are not nice people.

THEYVE done you a favour op

If you think they are toxic why would you want them in your child's life? You don't have to explain to a three year old, if they ask about them just say they've gone away for a while, until they stop asking.

Is it possible you think if they have a good relationship with your grandkids, it'll heal in you, the pain you were put through as a child? Like, a do-over. Or heal the current relationship between you and the parent/grandparents.

I think we have to catch ourselves in certain toxic thoughts patterns. Our children cannot fix our past. And history, all too often repears itself. Especially when one of the key characters remains unchanged.

We also, often are trained to placate the abusive parent and so, do not realise we a bringing our child into the cycle. They seem our behaviour and in turn, learn bullies are to be placated and pandered to.

This is your opportunity to break the cycle. A good relationship now, will not heal the hurt caused then. Only you can do that within yourself.

Perhaps by telling yourself
'i didn't deserve it',
'i couldn't control it'
'my feelings are valid'
'but now I can choose'
'i now make choices that empower me and protect me and my children'.

They were always really nice to LO, so I took it as just an attack on me. Yes, I would never leave LO with them alone, without me or DH. But I definitely didn't deserve all this, as someone said my mistake was to have hope.

@FluentHam
How does your DH feel? Is he glad to have the family member out of your lives?

Are his parents still alive?
Does your DC have a close and loving relationship with them which could go some way to plug the hole that you are sad about?