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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Toxic and manipulative family member

31 replies

FluentHam · 08/06/2025 16:43

Looking for advice or personal experience on handling toxic family relationships.
A close family member has repeatedly insulted me and my family over the years. I’ve tried to keep the peace for the sake of my partner and child, but after a recent situation where boundaries were crossed, I asked for space and said I didn’t want this person in my home anymore. They reacted by cutting contact completely, saying they don’t want to see us—including their grandchild—ever again. They always said that they loved their grandchild a lot!
I’ve never prevented a relationship between them and my child, and it hurts that they’re using this as leverage. I know I’ve done nothing wrong and don’t feel right apologizing just to smooth things over, especially after years of being disrespected. Still, I feel awful that my child might miss out on a relationship with their grandparent.
How do you emotionally come to terms with something like this? And how do you explain it to your child in an age-appropriate way (3yo)?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 09/06/2025 20:38

You did the right thing, if they come crawling back tell them to get to fuck.

Is it your Mil?

FluentHam · 21/06/2025 14:09

pinkyredrose · 09/06/2025 20:38

You did the right thing, if they come crawling back tell them to get to fuck.

Is it your Mil?

Yeah. I just can't understand that behavior. Still my first thought is "I need to apologise" to make things better. But than I realise that this will mean I betray myself. I don't know where the guilt comes from. I hope with time it will go away.

OP posts:
DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 21/06/2025 14:56

It's very hard to not feel guilty but if this was a close friend, what do you think she should do? Feel guilty?

I too think your child has had a lucky escape. Romantic ideas of loving grandparents can run up hard against the reality of jagged destructive behaviour. The trick here is to recognise reality and drop the impossible ideals.

I hope your husband supports you.

Gymnopedie · 21/06/2025 16:31

FluentHam · 21/06/2025 14:09

Yeah. I just can't understand that behavior. Still my first thought is "I need to apologise" to make things better. But than I realise that this will mean I betray myself. I don't know where the guilt comes from. I hope with time it will go away.

So if it's MIL where is DH in all this?

Is he supporting you?

Does he hide away? Tell you 'that's just how she is' and expect you to ignore it?

The relationship between him and his mother and the relationship between you and him are key here.

It's happened on MN before, that the DH wants to cut contact with his family but his wife believes in 'family' and tries to push the relationship. Is that you?

FluentHam · 21/06/2025 16:59

Gymnopedie · 21/06/2025 16:31

So if it's MIL where is DH in all this?

Is he supporting you?

Does he hide away? Tell you 'that's just how she is' and expect you to ignore it?

The relationship between him and his mother and the relationship between you and him are key here.

It's happened on MN before, that the DH wants to cut contact with his family but his wife believes in 'family' and tries to push the relationship. Is that you?

Yeah, I have very supportive DH. And he is upset about the situation but definitely says it's her choice. I guess I am a bit of that - family comes first person. I think I copy my mom's behavior with my gran. Probably best to contact therapist. I just don't want to be responsible for all of this, I just want peace as I never had it in my childhood and adolescence and now this feeling is back.

OP posts:
ZImono · 21/06/2025 17:01

HenDoNot · 08/06/2025 19:57

I never I understand these type of posts.

This person is so toxic and vile you have banned them from your home, but you do want them to have a relationship with your child.

Make it make sense Hmm

Yep.

Why would you want to let them have a relationship with your child? They are damaging and toxic I'd be preventing access...which is what I did with my batshit aunt when I had kids.

Stay NC. Be happy. Live your life.

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