Just want a break away without dh

[YellowBlueStar]

Not been getting along with dh for a while. I've seen a lovely hotel and am toying with the idea of booking a couple of nights for myself. Just to rest, relax and have some peace away from his negativity. I haven't told him this but I know he will blow it up out of proportion; he'll play the victim and tell people I've left him. Don't know how to phrase it to him. He goes away about three times a year with friends to take part in sporting events but he won't understand me wanting to go away on my own. Any suggestions?

I don't have any great practical suggestions, but you should definitely do it. Let him complain, and go and enjoy yourself.

Just book it and say you are going away. What can he do? If he tries to argue say it isn't up for discussion and walk away. It takes 2 to argue.

Just book it, it’s a perfectly normal thing to do.

If you want to make up excuses could you make out it’s some kind of mental health retreat because of work stress or connect it to things he won’t really want to do - I have no clue what as men like these things also, but maybe a concert, spa or theatre trip some kind of niche interest. Have you any old friends far away you could pop in and visit or meet up with as part of the trip? Just say as he has some trips away you want to have similar time and experiences away also.

Just go. Sometimes we all need space. If he wants to sulk, let him. If he wants to make a big issue of it, don’t let him! I’d disagree with PP about making excuses (telling lies) just say you need a break. If things are better after you’ve been - great. If they’re worse - maybe you need more time apart.

Will you be wrong no matter what you do @YellowBlueStar ?

I'd probably just tell him, as you're heading out the door (unless arrangements have to be made for something you'd normally be doing), that you're going to visit Colchester for a couple of days and if he asks why say you've always wanted to see it. Then go to York.

Grey rock any resistance/whingeing/mantrums/tears.

Enjoy the peace, it'll be blissful

Tell him it's with a friend for their health?

Thank you. Yes, I don't want to lie. I just need some time on my own.

I’ve done it. You need it.

Yes, wrong whatever I do. It's very draining and exhausting which is why I want a break. Just want some peace and to be able to relax without worrying that everything I do or say will be taken the wrong way.

He really can't conceive of why you might want a couple of nights chilling in a hotel?

Book it and don't try to explain. He doesn't need to get it.

And maybe ask yourself if this is really a relationship you want to stay in. 💐

Did it help? I'm just dreaming of being on my own and doing nothing in particular but relaxing and decompressing.

Why would he think you’d left him if you went away for a few days? I went to Madrid five days by myself in January, and went on a retreat at Easter. And o like my husband, I just wanted time alone.

I have been away with friends or to stay with friends but never been away on my own. He will think it is strange as that's something he wouldn't do.

He goes away about three times a year with friends to take part in sporting events but he won't understand me wanting to go away on my own.

This is ridiculous of him; he gets to choose how he spends his rare weekends away and so do you. Some people love solo travel, others don't - just like any personal preference. You shouldn't have to lie. Is the issue that he'll want to come along, or that if it's not sonethink HE would do he'll assume you're hiding something? I think all you can do is say you need time alone and fair's fair. If you're both unhappy I suspect he knows full well why you want time away.

You really need to try not to worry about what he thinks; it doesn't matter if he doesn't understand it, he should be able to understand that you are a different perso to him, with your own wants, needs and preferences.

The fact they you're finding this so difficult to do and worrying about his reaction says a lot about your relationship.

Lots of women want time away on their own, it's a very normal thing to do. It's bliss!

Yes, YBS, it was great. Things weren’t good at home, I was overwhelmed in general. I took two days / one night away.

Nice hotel, went for lunch / dinner. Had a drink at the bar. Enjoyed a bath, watched TV. Read magazines. Went for a walk. Had a gorgeous breakfast. Got my hair done, went shopping.

I suspect it'll be less him thinking it strange and more that he knows you need a break from him and his behaviours, and that's a threat to his equilibrium.

Just book it. You don’t need to sell it as you need time away from him. You can just say you fancied a little holiday.

I go away every year by myself. Usually to Europe, but sometimes just locally for a bit of a walking holiday and time to read and think. I’m off to Spain for 3 nights next week. I mooch about, read in a cafe, eat at nice restaurants, go to a museum or two. It’s lovely. Dh and I are very happily married. But I definitely don’t want to spend all my time with him or our dc.

But if dh didn’t allow me time away alone, that would be him done with!

It sounds like there’s a lot wrong with your marriage - not that you need space but that he gives you a hard time whatever you do. A break sounds good but are you also thinking about strategy long-term and whether or not to stay in your marriage?

I do this a lot when i need a break from domestic life. There's nothing odd about wanting time on your own- it doesn't matter that he doesn't understand it. Don't overexplain or justify yourself, just calmly do it! Good luck OP I hope it's lovely

I wasn’t necessarily suggesting the op lie, more that she do one of those things as part of the trip, but spend the majority purely relaxing. I do think explaining the break calmly, it’s perfectly legitimate to want a break, and not engaging in any argument is healthier and more in line what she needs.

If DH is unreasonable, which it seems he is, I see no issue in saying the break is with a friend, as he'll accept that.

What's the benefit of insisting on explaining and begging for "permission" he won't give?

OP needs some headspace not more conflict.

Well, I've booked two nights away on my own. Told dh and he looked really shocked. Since then, he's been extra nice to me.

Nice to have a good update, have a great time.