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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Yet again gone to bed before eating tea

35 replies

Ohmygods · 07/06/2025 21:33

So, married for 30 years, cracks really appearing. Two nights ago OH jolly comment when I asked him about how my makeup looked was “ you look like Aunt Sally , ha ha ha” that’s a character from a kids tv show , I was really upset , went upstairs rubbed make up and cried a lot. Thought about it a lot afterwards, when ever we went out ( which no longer happens) he used to look at other women and always be going to me “ oh look at her, isn’t She Good looking” . Oh works 2 days per week ( 24 hours) minimum wage, I work 37-40 well paid stressed out of my mind. He keeps banging on about he will retire in 2 years - he has bugger all pension , so that can only be achieved by my working full time. My mum isn’t well so son had stayed over with her but it’s got to much for him. So he is coming back home, would rather forego inheritance ( which will go if she has to go into care) . OH is “ well he can’t do that , think of the money” Just realised that’s all he cares about. Don’t know what to do. I suppose I’m as bad as if we separate I lose 1/2 the house etc even though I’ve paid majority for it.

OP posts:
Ohmeohmyohdear · 07/06/2025 21:47

Honestly OP it sounds as though he has spent your marriage undermining your self confidence. What a nasty man. What kind of husband goes out with his wife and spends the evening telling her how attractive other women are?
He doesn't want you to realise your true worth.
You absolutely would be better off without this man.

Blodyneighbour · 07/06/2025 21:50

Tell Worzel to do one!

ruethewhirl · 07/06/2025 22:01

OP is this really what you want the rest of your life to look like? He sounds awful, and a cocklodger to boot. My ex used to make ‘funny’ comments like that about my appearance and he’s an ex for a reason. You deserve better.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 07/06/2025 22:03

Losing half a house is better than losing your soul.

LividVermiciousKnid · 07/06/2025 22:03

You can spend your later life working yourself
into the ground to pay for this twunt, or you can get your freedom now and accept there’ll be some short term pain.

Bananalanacake · 07/06/2025 22:06

Has he always worked 2 days a week or is this a recent thing, I'd have no respect for a man with so little ambition to contribute evenly to the household.

cool4cats2020 · 07/06/2025 22:06

You need to cut your loses and divorce now. It's better to lose half of everything now and start afresh than it will be to stay with this lazy, obnxious parasite and end up funding him for the rest of your life.

Mightyhike · 07/06/2025 22:07

Ditch him OP. If he retires and you end up working full time to support him doing fuck all you will be absolutely riddled with resentment. Better to end it now and get the finances sorted.

GingerPaste · 07/06/2025 22:16

He sounds like a lazy, horrible prick. I hope you can afford to split up.

SpryCat · 07/06/2025 22:18

He has been shredding your self worth for many years because without you working your arse off, he’d have nothing! He doesn’t want you to realise your worth or that you deserve better than being married to a twat. I’m going to go as far as saying I bet he looks like Worzel Gummidge’s uglier brother and you look fabulous, he wants you to believe you’re lucky to have him.
I don’t know why or how you put up with him @Ohmygods, he seems obsessed with sitting on his arse, dreaming of your mum dying and getting your inheritance, whilst you’re working all hours and he’s living the life of Riley,

AcrossthePond55 · 07/06/2025 22:22

@Ohmygods

Ditch him. Get a divorce. You may lose some financially but you’ll be free and able to plan for your retirement.

If you stay with him, he’ll retire and you’ll either have to work until you die to keep the household going or if you divorce after he retires you may be stuck paying him spousal support.

Get out now before he stops working. Get to a solicitor ASAP and discuss your situation. Be prepared to give them a ‘snapshot’ of the financial situation. Ask what divorce would mean to you.

MaryAntoinette · 07/06/2025 22:22

What a horrid little man

MoominMai · 07/06/2025 22:40

Gosh what a sad post. You deserve so much better than this man. Can you imagine how he’d react if you were forever pointing out fit men to him?! 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m sorry OP, LTB is very rarely a first consideration for me but in this case, I’m not sure what there is to salvage. He’s shown his true colours long enough and if it were me, I’d just get the house sold even if I only get half the profit and then just live in rented accommodation. Maybe you could move your mum in with you and reduce your hours/organise council funded carer support and get your son to support a little if possible also. Or live in rented with mom at yours and rent her property out? I’m just thinking on my feet here. Either way, I really hope you’re able to find a solution that works to get away from your OH. Also, just desserts (is that the right phrase?!) will be served to him when he realises he’s not going to be a kept man after all. 2 days per week whilst you carthorse about - urgh no! That needs to change. Wishing you all the best ♥️

Subwaystop · 07/06/2025 23:42

After you leave him you will experience joys you never imagined possible! It won’t be all perfect but if you want to experience magical joy get away from this horrible front of toxicity and you’ll feel like a terrible burden has lifted.

KoalaKoKo · 07/06/2025 23:46

Ditch him now while you are still earning, downsize! Better to be in a smaller house and happy then dealing with someone who just sees you as a credit card. Imagine when you do retire and he is there all the time!

uncomfortablydumb60 · 08/06/2025 00:19

My exh was very similar hardly worked never paid a bill in 18 years and the house deposit was put in by me.
i cut my losses after 18 years. Of course i was pissed off he got 80k after paying for nothing but I moved to a cheaper area and bought a smaller place outright
He on the other hand blew 80k on cars, motorbikes and holidays
You'll recoup the money you lose when you put this loser in the bin where he belongs
Life Is simply too short to put up with this shit.

healthybychristmas · 08/06/2025 01:12

This is one of those occasions where I really wish you weren't married. Honestly I wouldn't live with someone like this.

NCtoavoidsniggering · 08/06/2025 07:46

You’ve got another 30+ years…..
A smaller house can be just as comfortable.
Smaller pension (or less equity from the house) but will it be enough to live on okay ? Do the maths, make a plan, in the meantime do the things you want to do, spend time with people you want to be with. Take a holiday alone to somewhere you really want to go. Just do things for you, put yourself first. Because he won’t change and you won’t feel happy if you carry on as you are.

Shadesofscarlett · 08/06/2025 07:50

if you do inherit do you want him burning through that too? Get the divorce and downsize.

historyrepeatz · 08/06/2025 08:06

If you stay you will lose more of yourself, you will spend more time giving more of yourself, physically, mentally and financially to him and being very unhappy. If you leave you may lose half your house but you will get other things back. Staying is giving yourself a miserable life sentence. Get proper advice if you do decide to leave.

NCtoavoidsniggering · 08/06/2025 09:50

Try just thinking about what you would lose if you left him:
Does he cook, clean, care for you?
Does being with him enable a fun social life?
Do you have a good sex life?
Basically - think about the good things you enjoy together, how he enhances your life.
If you’re struggling to write a list, you know what you should do.
And don’t think too much about the financial impact - money can always be earned and saved again, it’s actually these other things that matter more.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 08/06/2025 09:57

Bluntly put get rid of him now while you still have your dm. Spend lots of time with her... He gets zero of your time and zero of dm's money.

You don't need to jump through hoops to get divorced these days...

Daleksatemyshed · 08/06/2025 10:03

So he's lazy, a financial liability and has his eyes on your DMs money. Divorce him Op, if you don't he'll happily watch you work yourself into the ground while he spends your money

frozendaisy · 08/06/2025 10:09

yep Get out now
find a smaller place
and you keep any inheritance or could retire earlier yourself

before he becomes a total dependent and then you have to be his nurse

let him see how far he gets with his 24 hr a week job chatting up all the other hotties

FFS he sounds dreadful

babystarsandmoon · 08/06/2025 10:11

Just end the relationship.

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