Dumpers regret?

[alexis97]

So me and DH have been split up 7 weeks now, and in the last week it’s all been strange to say the least.

Since Tuesday he’s been finding ways to try and talk to me on the phone, asking me where im going and offering to take me places when we’ve been doing handover with the kids, today when he picked up our children from nursery where I also work he was finding ways to talk to me saying our little one seen me and wanted to see me when she didn’t I purposely moved into another room so she didn’t but he saw me, trying to look for me and this afternoon he knocked on the door and asked if I would come for tea with him and the kids. Apparently his reasoning for this was we’re still a family and should be spending time together if we are together or not, he hurt me in one of the worst ways and just discarded me. I wish I never went with him. It felt absolutely pointless to me. Nothing but small talk so I just threw everything into the kids. People keep saying he’s realised the grass isn’t greener and is trying to worm his way but he’s too proud to tell me he’s screwed up but I told him I just don’t understand why he wants this when it will just confuse the kids even more. Why ask where im going, what im doing and try to take me places? Ive also had his mam messaging me the day before this happened telling me how much she loves me, is thinking of me and hopes I’m okay and will catch up with me when she’s home from her holidays. I’m still in the move on mentality because I refuse to let myself become affected because of this, Im healing and doing so well but I don’t understand because he finished it with me… it’s our wedding anniversary Monday so not sure if that’s hitting a nerve for him.

Put boundaries in place and don’t agree to certain things like that for your own emotional wellbeing. He’s trying to coerce you into being with him against your will. You should want to because it’s your own choice. Maybe when you are healed you can do things as a family again

At the start of the break up I tried to fix things and he refused marriage counselling and said no, so I told him I was done and I wouldn’t fight again to fix things and then this all starts happening 5 weeks later. I wanted to fix it more than anything but after he turned my olive branches down I swore I wouldn’t beg or fight again and stuck to my word and now I think he is panicking big time. If he didn’t care about me he wouldn’t be asking where im going, what I’m doing, if I want a lift places so he can see where I’m going. It’s funny how his mam then messages and tells me how much she loves me and then after looking for me and trying to find ways to see me asks to go for tea, I think he’s too proud to admit he screwed up and misses me so
hes used the we need to be a family if we are together or not to cover for it.

You should stick to it but don’t let him convince you that it’s your fault you’re not a family. His actions caused that

I think you're right. He's regretting it. Put boundaries in places and gently tell him you're not going on the outings with him.

Stick to it.

I’m really sorry this is happening but it’s pretty standard behaviour for a man who has realised he had a cushy billet and doesn’t want it to change. It doesn’t mean that he loves you or sees your point of view; it’s actually further proof of his selfishness and leveraging the kids is a good way to get you in line.

Or it might be that he finds having the kids on his own too much like hard work and would prefer you along to do the parenting.

Or maybe he's concerned that you will move on without him and he'll no longer have you as fall-back option.

When you were trying to "fix things" it was a safety net for him in case whatever he was up to didn't work out for him. Now he's unsure that's still the case, so trying to get you on the hook again.

Did he leave to be with some other woman? I'm presuming it's very likely.

It sounds like he left you for someone else. You begged at the beginning but then realised you couldn’t fix it if he didn’t want to. Now he’s being nice and you think he regrets his decision but he doesn’t want to face any consequences or change in any way so he’s getting back together by stealth so that one day you will look at your life and realise you are in a relationship with someone who didn’t even care enough to talk to you about getting back together.

I think he probably wants the cushy life whilst also doing whatever he wants on the side. Splitting up wasn’t as care free as he hoped and he doesn’t like that you have free time to do things outside the family, that’s his remit. He won’t fundamentally change if he can’t even admit this to himself.

Stay civil but put boundaries in place. Family time means you and your children.

Today he turned up to drop the kids off and spent £40 on expensive pyjamas for me for my birthday from the kids, he is the biggest tight arse going and even bought a gift bag, he wrote a message in the card from him “thank you for being the most amazing mam to our kids” he did he left me for someone else and they’ve given him the cold shoulder, she didn’t want him she just wanted to end his marriage to say she could. For Mother’s Day he got me a hanging basket worth a fiver so why now is he actually spending money? He asked me to video call him when he had rhe kids yesterday and I said no, I then called to ask if the kids were okay and he said our little one got a new car seat and was excited, I asked him to send photos, he then said he hopes I have a lovely day and then an hour later messaged me saying “me and the kids hope you have a nice day” he literally said it an hour ago…

What do you want @alexis97?

I don’t doubt he is trying to worm his way back in. He’s being way too thoughtful for someone who is over the marriage. Clearly you are correct and the person who he left you for has dumped him and he wants his easy family life back. He doesn’t want to solo parent now he’s not also getting a girlfriend.

But the question isn’t what he wants, it’s what do you want?

Could you ever trust him again?

The reality is it was easy for him to walk away. Every time he gets bored, you fight, you get a serious illness etc he’ll be off. That’s who he is.

Do you want to have to feel like you have the last 7 weeks ever again? If not then you need to put boundaries in place to make sure you don’t get sucked in. He can regret it all he wants. I hope he does. Let him sit in his own bad choices. But don’t be his life raft because he will just bring you down with him.

Be the woman you would look up to.

It sounds like he is trying to charm his way back in. So after you endured terrible communication from him, cheating and him probably expecting you to take on all the kids while he saw his bit on the side, he now realises what a fool he has been.

It’s a win for you OP, because he now sees your side. His mum is very annoying being involved. I would keep messages to her brief at the moment. I would write,

“We have always gotten along and that means a lot to me. While I am in the process of separation and divorce, I may just keep a little distance while my heart heals from the stress John put me through. Him seeing another woman while married and a father, is something that we cannot come back from.”

I would keep communication between you and DH brief but friendly (as he sounds like he blows hot and cold).

OP, in a year if you shake him off, you will be settled in a lovely place of your own and who knows what can go from there. Whether you want a relationship again or just make friends with men that aren’t cheaters, you will be in a better place.

Well you've got your answer, haven't you? He left you for another woman who didn't want him, so now he thinks he'll put in a teeny, tiny bit of effort and you'll be just begging him to come home again.

He's a wanker and he'll do it again if you take him back. Stop wondering about his motives any longer. Be civil and distant and make it clear that there's no going back. The marriage is over.

His actions clearly show he's trying to get back with you.

Yesterday he asked if he could come and see the kids, it was my birthday. Stayed for 40 mins, asked me who was on the phone when I received a call and then when he was leaving said happy birthday after texting me it at 7 that morning “happy birthday, I hope you have a lovely day” as he left the house and said it again he put his arms around me and gave me a hug, quite a tight embrace not just a friendly hug. My body went totally stiff I didn’t know what to say, I awkwardly said thank you. Why would he even do that?? He’s been silent since.

He's using the kids to see you whenever he wants and to keep tabs on what you're up to. I would make a schedule for when you each have the kids and stick to it. If he asks to come over when you have the kids, say, "no, this is my time with them." When he wants you to come over while he has them, tell him you're busy and don't engage when he wants to know what you're doing.

It sounds as if you really don't want to get back together and he is forcing his way back in as if the betrayal is nothing. Even if you do want to get back together this is not how it should be done. He's putting in a lot of effort now, but that will stop as soon as he's back in the house and in your bed.

He wants a way back in with you.

Don’t be second best. He just wants his cushy life back until her gets another bit in the side. Stick to your guns and move on x

You KNOW why he's doing it, ffs! He doesn't care about you at all - stop searching for miniscule signs that he does.

He has been dumped, so he thinks he'll move back in with you as he's no other options. He's a lazy twat. Stop giving him headspace.

He left you for someone else who’s now dumped him. You’re now his back up. Tell him to F off

What do you want?

Just keep saying no

Hi Mumsnet, here is another update.

he came to drop the kids off today and put his phone on the floor infront of where he knew id see it. There was a photo of him and the girl he went behind my back with kissing as his wallpaper. I said very calm and cool “that’s an interesting photo, how long?” He went 2-3 weeks, so 5 weeks after we separated. He insisted they were just friends and was messaging her flirting behind my back and arranging to go and see her at her house with the notifications switched off. I wished him well and told him to make sure she’s right before he introduces the kids. I then informed him I will be applying for divorce now for the level of disrespect. He said ive always deserved better than him. I told him when I move out in 3 days I will give him back the keys by leaving them in the key safe. He then told me he wants me to keep them incase of an emergency or if the dogs need something while he’s on a long shift. I told him that’s not my issue anymore it’s his and to give one to his mam or his new girlfriend, he said “no why would I?” I then told the kids to say goodbye and 2 minutes later he comes back up with the car seat and asks if I need it, I said no and that I would have said if I did, he said I’ll put it in the cupboard and I just closed the door. People are saying they think he’s confused and this is a rebound because why would he want me to keep his spare key?

What do you want?

Op, stick to your guns
He had ample time to come to his senses but only did so when his bit on the side dumped him
What if his bit on the side decides she wants him back . Will you get dumped again ?

Just stop wondering about his actions and move on.

He's a waste of time and space - who cares whether other people think 'he's confused'. Fuck him. You can do better.

He’s trying to get a reaction out of you - don’t let him. If he does the same with his phone again, ignore it (I’m not saying it’s easy, but it is better). Keep holding your head up high. You deserve so much better than this hot-and-cold cheating pig and in time you will find it. You just need to tread water for the moment and focus on you and the children. He’s in the past, keep him there.