Stay or leave??

[Lolly1966]

I feel in a real predicament at the moment. Long story short I have 2 sons 17 & 4. 4 year old is to current partner. We all moved in together just before youngest was born. Eldest was 13 at the time & was not great with having a new baby brother and ignored him for a year. My partner hated him for this and it has caused real problems, they now have no relationship whatsoever. Around the 2 yr mark my eldest went to live at my mums ( he stays there 3 nights anyway & has done since young) after him and my partner had a falling out & he’s never come back. I know the reason he’s not here is because off my partner and I vowed that once I got some money behind me I would leave and go be with both my sons. That time has now basically come and I’m so upset. I feel like if I leave I’m taking our 4 year old away from his dad. Me and OH haven’t had the best relationship the past 4 years pretty much because I haven’t been happy with not having my eldest here, it has caused lots of failings out! As my eldest is nearly 18 a few people have said that I should be putting my 4 year old first rather than my nearly 18 year old. I feel so torn because if I leave then it’ll effect my youngest but if I stay then my eldest will think I’ve chosen my partner over him, I don’t want him to feel unwanted. The crazy thing is I can see us splitting up but getting back together anyway in the future so is all this leaving a bit pointless to end up back together Or is this something that needs to happen.

I'm sorry to hear that - sounds like quite a predicament with you being pushed and pulled in all directions by guilt? As mum's I think guilt is a default emotion when it comes to our kids.

Your 18 year old is not a baby anymore - he's about to enter into the big wide world of adulthood and adult problems. I would suggest having a talk with him about how you feel - nothing too heavy or pressured for him - but let him know how important he is to you and how much you love him. Maybe spend some mum and son time with him, just him and you - maybe once you feel a little more settled with your emotions surrounding your eldest you will feel better able to decide if you want to stick with your relationship with your partner?

I think you've already chosen your partner over your oldest child and I think it's pretty clear your son feels that way to.

Your son was 13 and had to deal with a new sibling, a new stepdad and is already at a difficult time in his life with puberty and being awkward. You should've got him some counselling and help.

instead you have a grown ass adult running battles with a child and saying he hates your son. I hope to god he never said that directly to your son. And since he was what 14/15 he's not lived in the house because of your partner? Your current partner is an arsehole. I bet he's happy he's driven your older son away.

So where does that leave you? Well you're now at a point where he's about to turn 18 and you're thinking "well he's 18 soon so should I even bother trying?"

Wow.

Enjoy your new family because your older son could potentially go NC with you and I wouldn't blame him.

Harsh.

I can understand your partner's feelings towards your eldest, to be honest. Those are valid, understandable, and biological feelings.
I was lucky that my partner's eldest was quite interested and lovely to our baby son, although it's worn off a bit as he's aged and got more annoying! If she completely rejected him, I think that would have damaged the relationship between me and her to a level that would have been very difficult to repair. It's not a choice to feel some very strong feelings when your innocent baby is rejected by their own family. It's a very upsetting feeling, and I would have struggled to tolerate that long term too.
It would have spoilt what is one of the happiest and most cherished times for most parents for me. It's likely your youngest has suffered due to the friction in the house, too.
Your eldests feelings were understandable, but at 13 years old I would expect a better level of maturity and therefore behaviour. Ignoring and rejecting an innocent baby sibling at that age is poor behaviour.

What did you do to try to remedy it? If you and your partner both did everything you could to repair things, and you son was really firmly deciding he wasn't part of your new family, then I think it's really unfair for anyone to accuse you of choosing your partner over your son. If you tried your best and your son still rejected your new family, that's on him.

He's almost 18 now and you can have a less parent-child relationship pretty soon. A lot of 18 year olds leave home for university at that age anyway. Support him emotionally and practically as you would any adult child of yours that's left home. The circumstances are now immaterial, feeling guilt about how things are won't improve things.

Personally I think if you leave your partner now it would be extremely unfair on your 4 year old, and your partner.

Work on having a relationship with your eldest outside of your family, stop trying to blend him in, and also work on repairing your new family unit. I actually feel quite sorry for your partner and I hope you can fix things so he can finally enjoy having a family. Sounds like it's been hell for him.

You already picked your partner over your son when he was pushed out he ended up living with his grandmother. I suspect he wasn't happy you were further cementing your relationship with this man by having a baby with him. Hes suffered emotional abuse off this man and it got worse. Your dp sounds like a bully. How long were you together before you got pregnant?

Really? You would expect a 13 year old to have a better level of emotional maturity and regulation than you an adult?

OP you have already choosen your partner. You have 100% failed your oldest child and to be honest allowed your second to be raised in a toxic environment

He isnt an adult. You still have time to try to undo some of the damage you have done.

But honestly you need to an absolutely shit load of work on yourself. You have made some absolutely shocking decisions and the fact you still dont have enough self awareness or clarity to end the relationship permanently shows that.

You aren't being a good example of a healthy parent who is emotionally safe or someone who understands healthy relationships for either of your children.

You have a lot of arguments and it's not the best relationship.. that doesn't sound great for your four year old anyway.
He should have left rather than your teenage son, if he couldn't be the adult in the scenario, but it's too late to change that. It's not too late to show your eldest that he matters though, hopefully.

@Whatado 🙄 No, I expect a 13 year old to be able to comprehend that ignoring and rejecting an innocent baby (and half sibling) that lives in the same home as him is cruel, immature and selfish. Not good traits to be tolerating and pandering to. I wouldn't accept that behaviour off my child, but I would understand the feelings.

You've made some absolutely wild judgements of the OP based off very little. She may have tried her bloody best to make this work, and her son may have tried his best to make this NOT work. He obviously isn't a happy child, and that isn't necessarily OPs fault at all. Where is his biological dad? What happened there?

But yet a grown adult would have no issues holding those behaviours against a child, with audacity to comment on the traits of a child and ability to not hold it against them as an adult. That isnt understanding at all.

She moved a man into her home and brought another child nearly immediately into the mix That is not emotionally intelligent or good parenting.

And when her parent child relationship completely fractured rather than remove her partner. She handed of custody to her mother.

She has the same responsibility to both her children, and if the dynamics were so toxic it should have him to leave. But he wasnt asked to and now there is a second child stuck in the middle of a high conflict relationship. It isnt assumptions its what she has written.

But that's the issue with so many blended families, adults who prioritise their desire for a romantic relationship over the emotional welfare of their children.

Unfortunately for your son, you have already chosen your partner over him so I think it's already too late.
You have made some shocking decisions which I think you are going to find tough to come back from.
Moving forward, I would try and build a relationship with your son separate, put your energy and focus on him. Most likely, this has not happened for a long time.
The PP who says your son is being immature is being ridiculous and please ignore her advice if you want to build your relationship. It's obvious your son felt abandoned and pushed out and it was your partner who was immature by ignoring him. He was a teenager and most people, unlike that poster, know their emotional levels. They are hard work.
I think you're in for a long and rocky road ahead. Gdod luck.

Unfortunately for your son, you have already chosen your partner over him so I think it's already too late.
You have made some shocking decisions which I think you are going to find tough to come back from.
Moving forward, I would try and build a relationship with your son separately.

This

I agree that blended families are difficult, but then so are many families where there is no 'blending'. What if OP had stayed with his eldest bio dad, and they had had another child whom the eldest rejected? Would that be OPs fault too? Pretty sure that happens in lots of un-blended families, and plenty of un-blended families have more than one child, even if the eldest really didn't want a sibling.

The actual difficulties of blended families is that the stepchild is not yours, there probably isn't an attachment there, they probably have some traits of an ex (who was and possibly continues to be a dick) and as a step parent you're just supposed to allow it, pander to it and not hold them to the same standards as you would your own child.

The PP who are telling you to leave your partner now clearly have never come close to experiencing what you have, or what your partner has. Ignore their advice, unless you really want two kids from two broken homes 🙄 Your eldest was old enough at the time to manage his behaviour and not reject and innocent baby, he chose to take his feelings out on a baby. Not on you, not on your partner, on a BABY. People who are defending that are nuts.

I'm not surprised your partner was deeply unhappy about that. He isn't his dad, the attachment isn't there to stop him seeing your eldest as a threat to his sons wellbeing, and that's unfortunately just biology. People can act all morally horrified, but it would be interesting to see how many stepparents would chose their stepchild over their biological child in a Sophie choice type situation. My guess is 0%.

Listen to your clever friends who advise to do what's in the best interests of your youngest now. Breaking his family up at this stage because his big brother couldn't love him is a terrible choice. Barely anyone on Mumsnet gives a shit about second born children if there's an older half sibling involved. People here are implying that he shouldn't exist in the first place, so his life and happiness is immaterial.

You should leave your partner because you want to. Not because of your oldest son . I agree that you should have done but that ship has sailed so do leave if it’s what you want but not to expect it to make a difference to your newly adult son

I'm a SP who's DH is also a SP.

It wasn't for him to choose the child over her BC.

It was for her to choose both of her children over him.

Both her kids are living in broken homes now. Just different versions.

It's sad. You should have acted sooner. So, if you don't leave your current partner, what on earth is the rest of your life going to be like? Your first born is going to feel like an outsider for the rest of his life? Having a new sibling by a different Dad was always going to affect him hugely. How have you let it slide for so long? He must be so hurt and you must feel so torn. Time to sort it out and do right by both your kids.

I'm a step parent, and if my step daughter had completely ignored and rejected my first born child (who absolutely adores her) with my partner, my relationship with her would have undoubtedly soured. To be absolutely fine with your very young child being rejected by an immediate family member is not a normal response. How strongly do some women on here feel about their MIL barely being interested? And they're not under your roof every day making your kid feel like shit... Be real.

We don't actually know how OPs partner treated her eldest, but arguments between caregivers and children aren't inherently abusive, and we have no indication that it went further than that.

I'm not saying that OP is 100% fine, we have no idea what she and her DP did to salvage and fix things once they deteriorated, or exactly when they deteriorated. We have no idea how long they were together before they moved in together and had a baby. Perhaps her eldest was okay with it at first, and then when they moved in and had a baby, he felt differently. It's a bit late at that point, and OPs young child does not deserve to have his dad yanked away because OP wants to appease her eldest. I honestly cannot think of one single bio family who would split up because a teenager wasn't getting along with one of their parents and didn't like a younger sibling. Let's not pretend arguments don't happen in un-blended families.

What everyone is suggesting is just swapping the eldests current resentment for the youngests future resentment. That little boy is going to grow up pissed off if his mum subjects him to a broken home to prioritise his brothers feelings.
The difference is is that the eldest is fast approaching adulthood, and treating him like he is developmentally equal to a 4 year old is inappropriate. That 4 year old is in his formative years and separation should not be taken lightly.

An older brother moving out is nothing compared to parents splitting up.

@DonnyBurrito Agree with you. I have two sons from my first marriage - almost 18 and 15, and a just-turned 5 yo daughter with my second husband (his first and last). I'm terribly selfish you know(!) Do I regret having my youngest? Never.

Oh my God, your poor teenagers! How could you!? They're only going to grow up and realise that other people exist and that not everything revolves around them now! You should have been single and celibate until or IF they deemed it appropriate. Shocking parenting... 🤣

@DonnyBurrito Exactly that! For us, having my daughter with my second husband has actually been great for my older sons; they have learned so much more about caring and considering someone else.
At first my eldest son (who was 13 when his sister was born) was a bit ewwwwwwww (naturally) but now he adores her. He's almost 18 and the other day I heard him on the phone to his girlfriend speaking so affectionately of her. My middle son (now 15) is the same - loves her to bits. Proud Mum for sure! ❤️

Ok thank you for all your advice..

my eldest doesn’t hate his brother, he actually adores him now it was literally at the start. I ended up taking both boys away on holiday & that was the best thing I could’ve done because my eldest really bonded with his brother. My partner however doesn’t agree and still says that I shouldn’t have taken them away, he thinks my eldest should’ve been punished for his actions instead.
he is now quite strict with our son & doesn’t want him parented the same way as my eldest. He picks fault with the way I do things quite a lot and he has been known to call my eldest a spoilt s**t.

I feel really sorry for you - this is an impossible situation.

is there anyway that your partner could make more effort to make amends?

Why are you tolerating this?

Honestly, you seem to have handed over agency of your life and children to this man.

I do think some of the replies are a bit harsh. Of course our kids come first but you should not give up on what you want because they throw a tantrum at the time (OH moving in), and yes, maybe it could have been handled differently and better by all at the time but that cant change now.

You need to get some flexibility from OH and your son initially, get everyone to admit what they did wrong and how you can all overcome to be happy. He is 18, he will have his own life now but may be more mature.

DonnyBurito is right.

First of all, it sounds like the real problem is that your partner is a tool and even now you aren’t at all on the same page about how you parent your youngest. Is that really what you want your youngest to experience every day as they grow up?

And secondly, people can fuck off with their crap about “broken homes” as a synonym for single parent homes. It’s often better for the parents to split and be able to parent their child effectively without exposing their child to an unhealthy relationship between their parents. Staying together and modelling a really shitty relationship is more of a broken home than a single parent who has their shit together and parents the kids in an environment that makes them feel secure and loved.

Staying together “for the sake of the children” most often leads to the couple and the children all being miserable.

So, OP. I think sadly that PP are right that you have damaged your relationship with your eldest. That may be salvageable, though. The bigger question is what is best for you and the youngest. Does your DP actually treat you with respect, empathy and kindness? Because what you’ve reported here doesn’t sound like it. You - and your youngest - are better off without anyone who doesn’t positively add to your life, not least because you are then free to enjoy your own company, your own rules, and in time decide whether the next man is worthy of a home with you because he treats you the way you deserve. And modelling a healthy relationship is one of the best gifts you can give your child for the future.