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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stay or leave??

35 replies

Lolly1966 · 06/06/2025 19:03

I feel in a real predicament at the moment. Long story short I have 2 sons 17 & 4. 4 year old is to current partner. We all moved in together just before youngest was born. Eldest was 13 at the time & was not great with having a new baby brother and ignored him for a year. My partner hated him for this and it has caused real problems, they now have no relationship whatsoever. Around the 2 yr mark my eldest went to live at my mums ( he stays there 3 nights anyway & has done since young) after him and my partner had a falling out & he’s never come back. I know the reason he’s not here is because off my partner and I vowed that once I got some money behind me I would leave and go be with both my sons. That time has now basically come and I’m so upset. I feel like if I leave I’m taking our 4 year old away from his dad. Me and OH haven’t had the best relationship the past 4 years pretty much because I haven’t been happy with not having my eldest here, it has caused lots of failings out! As my eldest is nearly 18 a few people have said that I should be putting my 4 year old first rather than my nearly 18 year old. I feel so torn because if I leave then it’ll effect my youngest but if I stay then my eldest will think I’ve chosen my partner over him, I don’t want him to feel unwanted. The crazy thing is I can see us splitting up but getting back together anyway in the future so is all this leaving a bit pointless to end up back together Or is this something that needs to happen.

OP posts:

Whatado · 10/06/2025 18:25

GrumpyInsomniac · 10/06/2025 18:05

First of all, it sounds like the real problem is that your partner is a tool and even now you aren’t at all on the same page about how you parent your youngest. Is that really what you want your youngest to experience every day as they grow up?

And secondly, people can fuck off with their crap about “broken homes” as a synonym for single parent homes. It’s often better for the parents to split and be able to parent their child effectively without exposing their child to an unhealthy relationship between their parents. Staying together and modelling a really shitty relationship is more of a broken home than a single parent who has their shit together and parents the kids in an environment that makes them feel secure and loved.

Staying together “for the sake of the children” most often leads to the couple and the children all being miserable.

So, OP. I think sadly that PP are right that you have damaged your relationship with your eldest. That may be salvageable, though. The bigger question is what is best for you and the youngest. Does your DP actually treat you with respect, empathy and kindness? Because what you’ve reported here doesn’t sound like it. You - and your youngest - are better off without anyone who doesn’t positively add to your life, not least because you are then free to enjoy your own company, your own rules, and in time decide whether the next man is worthy of a home with you because he treats you the way you deserve. And modelling a healthy relationship is one of the best gifts you can give your child for the future.

You are comparing two non optimal outcomes against each other, so it's which is the least harmful versus the most beneficial outcome for children.

The fact is every single data point for children reflects that children who grow up in two parent homes with low conflict relationships have better out comes across multiple areas.

Children raised in single parent homes and blended families have similar risks for adverse childhood experiences as children who are raised in high conflict two parent households.

GrumpyInsomniac · 10/06/2025 18:31

Whatado · 10/06/2025 18:25

You are comparing two non optimal outcomes against each other, so it's which is the least harmful versus the most beneficial outcome for children.

The fact is every single data point for children reflects that children who grow up in two parent homes with low conflict relationships have better out comes across multiple areas.

Children raised in single parent homes and blended families have similar risks for adverse childhood experiences as children who are raised in high conflict two parent households.

Show quote history

If OP’s relationship wasn’t already at a point where her partner is laying down the law about how they will be parenting their child in future and criticising her parenting of her elder son, I wouldn’t be comparing non-optimal outcomes. The current situation is already not optimal, with the potential to become thoroughly sub-optimal if the relationship degenerates into one with either constant conflict or OP just putting up with her partner dictating how she does everything.

Whatado · 10/06/2025 18:37

The OP relationship is a combination of all it. A SP household, followed by a HC blended family and a HC two parent household.

So it's at the stage which is the least damaging rather than the most beneficial.

The least damaging is probably if she leaves, has a calm low conflict environment that she can build a relationship with her oldest and remove her youngest from living with a highly critical parent full time.

Honestly he sounds horrible and it seems lik a stressful and pretty miserable experience all round.

DonnyBurrito · 13/06/2025 00:27

Lolly1966 · 10/06/2025 16:49

Ok thank you for all your advice..

my eldest doesn’t hate his brother, he actually adores him now it was literally at the start. I ended up taking both boys away on holiday & that was the best thing I could’ve done because my eldest really bonded with his brother. My partner however doesn’t agree and still says that I shouldn’t have taken them away, he thinks my eldest should’ve been punished for his actions instead.
he is now quite strict with our son & doesn’t want him parented the same way as my eldest. He picks fault with the way I do things quite a lot and he has been known to call my eldest a spoilt s**t.

Okay, I'm going to have to retract my comments about your partner here because if your son has bonded with his brother and now treats him well, and clearly loves him, then there is absolutely no reason your partner should be trying to separate them. Unless your eldest is a very bad influence and would expose your son to violence, drugs or adult things, obviously.
I initially empathised because it sounded like he was just very protective over your son and his well being, but trying to destroy a sibling relationship to punish your eldest for something that happened 5 years ago is not okay in the slightest as it actually harms his own son! That he can't see that shows there is a lot more going on under the surface. At this point, he needs therapy to unpick his feelings, and I do believe it probably would be best for everyone long term if you left him so he has space to figure out his feelings, face his demons and maybe (hopefully) emerge a more loving and accepting father.

Meadowfinch · 13/06/2025 00:33

Nikki75 · 06/06/2025 20:41

Harsh.

Show quote history

But completely accurate and fair.

MyNeedyLilacBird · 13/06/2025 00:43

Why have you allowed this to happen. This man sounds vile and you have allowed him to alienate your older son. Get rid of him and rebuild the relationship with your older son before it's too late. I'd feel rejected if you were my mother and I'll not lie would be keeping you at arms distance if not considering NC

HeyWiggle · 13/06/2025 01:16

Your DH sounds awful and for this reason I would leave him.

HeyWiggle · 13/06/2025 01:17

I think leaving this awful man and focusing on both your kids will be the best thing for all three of you

GreatTheCat · 13/06/2025 03:28

He calls your son a little shit?? I'd leave him for that alone, never mind him being a prick.

Guavafish1 · 13/06/2025 04:20

You’ve lost your eldest. You chose your partner first.

Im not sure if your idea will reverse anything.

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