Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What have I done? (long - sorry!)

31 replies

Pinkjenny · 22/05/2008 09:23

Slightly self pitying title, but hoping someone can help me move past this.

After I had dd, I was feeling relatively low, as most new mums are, and went to a local Starbucks for some much needed sanity. There I happened to start talking to a lady, who had a dd four days younger than mine. We immediately bonded, and struck up what I thought, was a wonderful friendship.

We would text each other all week, and meet up without fail every week for a chat and to juggle lattes and babies. She was such a good friend, and gave me so much support throughout the first six months of dd's life. I hope I did the same for her. I knew from our many lengthy heart to hearts that she had suffered from depression and emotional problems in the past, and sometimes we discussed it, sometimes we didn't. I offered a lot of shoulders to cry on, and she did the same for me when I was finding being a new mum hard. I did try to make sure that she knew that I was there for her, but I couldn't pretend that I had experienced similar issues in my life or my childhood. We were so close that I asked her to be dd's godmother, although I knew that the christening wouldn't be until this summer. She was thrilled and accepted immediately.

The last time I saw her was just before Christmas. We exchanged gifts, and everything seemed fine.

Then she just stopped contacting me. She sent me a text saying, 'I can't be L's godmother. I can't commit to this at the moment, I have too much going on, please ask one of your close friends to do it'. I texted her back and she said, 'I've got a lot going on, please can we just leave it for now'.

Maybe I handled it wrong, naively, but I carried on texting her, not often, maybe once a fortnight, just saying hi or whatever, just so that she knew I was still there for her, but she never replied.

Our dd's have turned one over the past week, and I sent her dd a card. She text me last night, saying, 'Thanks for the card, I hope L had a good birthday. However, to be truthful, I don't want you to ever get in touch with me again. I really feel we have nothing in common anymore and would like to leave it there'.

I am so upset. I can't think of one singlt cross word between us. I value my friendships particularly as I am an only child. I am just devastated and feel like the unpopular kid in the playground.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
dividedself · 22/05/2008 09:26

All I can think is that depression often goes hand in hand with self loathing and sometimes one doesn't want to face the shame that goes with someone liking them.

gummybears · 22/05/2008 09:27

Gosh - how very strange. Do you think/know if she might have had some particular upheaval in her life recently which might have affected her behaviour generally?

Have you responded to the text?

Very upsetting for you.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 22/05/2008 09:29

I responded just to say that I wished she could be honest with me, but as she wishes.

gummy - I really don't know, one minute we were friends, and the next, not.

I felt a bit like she was accusing me of compounding whatever was going on with her. I know she finds being a mum hard (don't we all) as she has a 2.5yo as well.

OP posts:
gummybears · 22/05/2008 09:33

Just that her refusal to be godmother as'had lot going on' 'can't commit' etc perhaps maybe suggests there was maybe something a bit more serious going on rather than just life being hectic as a mum?

Very diff if she won't talk to you. Perhaps a last text saying you respect her wishes but are confused and if she wants to talk/when is ready to talk then you will be there to listen? And then leave it. Bizarre behaviour.

LittleMissNorty · 22/05/2008 09:34

How odd - her not you.....I would be upset as well....other than ask her what has happened to make her feel like that and (if you want to)to let her know you are there if she needs you, I don't know what more you can do. tbh, you don't need friends like that.

btw just had a look at your profile and your DD is gorgeous

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 22/05/2008 09:36

Very strange. And I'm just not sure why its bothering me so much. I have lots of very good friends, so why am I so upset about it?

I think I just feel a bit rejected.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 22/05/2008 09:37

LittleMissNorty - thanks! I certainly think so!

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 22/05/2008 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BalloonSlayer · 22/05/2008 09:38

I think sometimes people can confide in someone else when they are feeling very low and vulnerable, then later come to regret being so candid.

They then feel that the friend they confided in has them at a disadvantage, and start resenting them for it. Or, put another way, that they prefer to spend time with people they can impress . . . not someone who has seen them at their lowest point.

It's a shame for you, but just as well it happened before the christening.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 22/05/2008 09:39

TMMJ - this is very true. I feel a bit like a petulant child TBH. But I just don't get it!

OP posts:
LittleMissNorty · 22/05/2008 09:39

I would feel rejected too and upset, but from what you say it sounds like there is a bit more going on in her own life than you are aware of, so I would take it too personally. Is/was she having family / DH / DC problems etc

(I am biased, having a 11 month old DD myself )

Beetroot · 22/05/2008 09:40

I would send her a text saying 'if you ever need me I am here for you'

and leave it at that

LittleMissNorty · 22/05/2008 09:41

BS has a point....some people don't like to think that they have been seen at their most vunerable....

Miggsie · 22/05/2008 09:42

this happened to me from a close friend. She had a history of depression and after she got pegnant she cut me out of her life completely.
I only found out she had the baby as she emailed her boss whom I happened to know!
I send cards etc, but nothing...she did it once before temporaily as she said when she was depressed she did not want to speak to anyone.
So I suppose this was an extreme example.
I suspect you have done nothing wrong at all, she just can't take what you offer.
Sorry if that sounds trite.

Beetroot · 22/05/2008 09:43

are you life styles different - one with more money? one with a more supportive H?

pixiepip · 22/05/2008 09:43

You have every right to be upset- it is very odd behaviour.

I can identify- a neighbour did that to me- just stopped talking after several years even though we had been close friends. Ignored me in the street and looked right through me- never know why to this day- hadn't been gossiping about her, or argued or anything.

I was upset for a long time, but in the end decided it was HER problem, not mine.

At least your ex friend has said she feels you have nothing in common with you. Could it possibly be that all you had in common were the babies and now they are older, she feels you don't click?

I have experienced that once- and it was my choice to let the friendship slide- but we were no where near as close as you were.

I don't know what advice to offer you- other than in time it won't feel so bad.

I wouldn't keep contacting her, unless you feel like maybe writing a letter and explaining how hurt you are and why- but don't expect a reply.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 22/05/2008 09:46

OK, so I've sent her a text basically saying, 'If you need me I am here.' That'll have to be it.

Such a shame. She obviously doesn't think so! I don't think she had problems with her dh, no more than we all have when there are dcs involved! He always seemed like a lovely guy when I met him.

She'd had problems with her family in the past and had lost her dad I think a few years previously.

God, I hope she's not a MNer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 22/05/2008 09:50

Beetroot - we prob do have more money, but TBH we never ever discussed it, and I never would. Its a bit crass. We never seemed to have problems comparing H's either.

The only thing I can think of (and its probably not this, but the only niggle I have) is that she really found being a mum tough. As I did in the beginning, but as I started to enjoy dd more, she never seemed to be doing the same. Maybe I made her feel bad? I never meant to.

Pixie - in terms of nothing in common - we had lots in common, and as I haven't seen her for six months, I guess maybe something has changed in her life? I don't know.

Do you know what I mean though? Without sounding like a pathetic twit, I pride myself on (most of the time) being a really good friend.

OP posts:
gummybears · 22/05/2008 10:08

Well at least you can think that you have made the effort and it is up to her now. You are giving her the opportunity to chat at any point if she would like to so I think for now you can't do more than that.

It is infuriating for you not knowing though - patience is def not one of my virtues..! Good luck - hope you hear from her either way.

NotQuiteCockney · 22/05/2008 10:11

I really doubt this has much (if anything) to do with you, or anything you've done. It's quite possible you made her (unintentionally) feel bad about not enjoying being a mum, who knows?

Friendships that start fast often end fast, in my experience.

NotQuiteCockney · 22/05/2008 10:12

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I've seen references on here to other people having close friends in the first year or two of their first baby's life, and then losing those friends, as they have less in common than they used to - that's certainly been something I've experienced.

Sanctuary · 22/05/2008 10:17

Don`t think you have done or said anything to upset her

But maybe she feels you know too much about her .She told you things about her depression and past .

LittleMissNorty · 22/05/2008 10:17

I've experienced that as well with a young baby....as well as friends no longer talking cos you're a new mum / no longer a new mum / single again / married etc....some people eh

Nbg · 22/05/2008 10:22

The first thing that I thought when I read your OP was I wonder if she has some sort of problem with her dh?

Dont know why.

But you dont know what goes on behind closed doors.

RosaLuxembourg · 22/05/2008 10:34

This has happened to me twice in the past - once at university and then again in my twenties. In both cases, I discovered afterwards that my 'new best friend' had a history of forming intense friendships with someone and then dropping them abruptly without an explanation. Finding that out helped, as it stopped me taking something potentially very hurtful personally.
As other posters have said, it is nothing you did wrong.