Family finances and giving money to sibling

[Justmythoughtandme]

Hi all, I’m need a bit of advice here. Really want to make it short.
Me and my husband both work, me part time. We lost a fair bit of money recently due to job losses but thankfully we just started to recover. We lost a good sum of our savings that was intended for a house purchase. Basically our deposit money. Still feel gutted about it.

we are also expecting our second child and needing to move to a new flat which will cost a lot of money too. Thinking of £4000 at least.

Now I feel a little upset since my husband told me that he intends to give some money to his sister. I need to give a little backstory here : she and her husband are divorcing and she really hasn’t got any money, was a housewife, (on spouse visa USA) her husband controlled all money etc) The soon to be ex washes his hands and basically wants a divorce and she obviously need money to live and for a lawyer.

My husband intends to pay for all this. I feel a little upset but deep down I kinda understand. However seeing our current situation it feels like he should prioritise his expanding family’s needs and not empty our savings any further? Please send me some words of advice here, is this the right approach from my end? I just said to him: OK.

Thanks everyone xxx

she obviously need money to live and for a lawyer.

Then she gets a job? I would divorce my husband were he to prioritise someone over me and our children.

@CaptainFuture yup that’s what she would do but since her visa doesn’t allow work it’s rather upsetting for her being stuck. She isn’t allowed to work on the type of visa she has.

Are there children? If not she should borrow money to return to UK, claim homelessness and... get a job.

Will she even be allowed to stay in the country if she’s on a spousal visa?

I would feel the same as you, but also understand where he’s coming from. Can you have a chat about your finances, and agree a set amount? Ie. One that would help her, but not put too much strain on your finances. Or can it be seen as a loan, for her to pay some or all of it back?

You would divorce a man who is family oriented and wants to help out a sibling who was financially abused and wants to leave the relationship?

OP, I understand that this would be upsetting and that you want to prioritise your own family unit, but surely there could be a compromise reached? You’d have to have a clear rule on where the support begins and ends so you don’t end up subsidising her life indefinitely, but if you have rebuilt your life and you’re back on track, you could help a little with a bit of money left over for your own emergencies.

Divorce someone for supporting their family? Honestly MN can be a odd place sometimes. 🙄 I'm sure you'll get a real mix of responses, OP.

I'd be happy if DH wanted to support his DSis however I'd be having a clear cut conversation with DH setting out exactly how much financial support he (you both) can offer, because paying for a lawyer and someone else's living costs in entirety isn't an option within his means right now with his expanding family.

Is there any way she can change her visa so she can work?

Either way, she needs to live in a country where she can work and provide for herself. Plus get what is owed to her from the marriage of course but she’s a grown woman. This is her battle not yours. Yanbu to object, although I understand your husband’s instinct to help - that’s a point in his favour imo but he really should be discussing and agreeing it with you. Not making unilateral decisions

In this situation I would also want to support my sister who is essentially leaving an abusive relationship and has no way of financially supporting herself- anyone who disagrees with that, honestly, is a bit of an arsehole.

That doesn’t mean emptying your bank accounts though, a discussion would be had about what we can afford to give.

Difto

and I feel like maybe your DH has a history of this kind of thing?

She’s in a tough position. I’m in the US and also know someone who was on a spousal visa and got divorced. Luckily, her family is well off and was able to help her out, plus her ex was reasonable and generous with child support. She eventually got a green card and was able to start working.

If your SIL is stuck in the US due to their children, she should look into whether there’s a way for her to get a work permit and perhaps the money you give her can be a loan?

I can understand why you’re taken aback and I wouldn’t be thrilled either- but she’s in a difficult situation

Well yes, if he planned to take the money we'd saved as a house deposit and give it away.

Well he's not supporting his immediate family if he's giving their money away.
I don't understand this spousal visa but 'she's not allowed to work' is that coming from her @Justmythoughtandme ?
I.know several people family and uni friends who married Americans and they moved to the States and all work.

Can their parents help her out at all?

OK have a think.

There are free or low cost legal aid programs in the US for low and moderate income people which also covers divorce. Pro bono lawyers can take on cases also. She may qualify. Has she checked this out and all other avenues prior to asking brother for help?

www.usa.gov/legal-aid

@CaptainFuture Yes, it’s different if you’re married to an American, you can get a work permit right away. My DH is American and when we moved over, I started working immediately.

If, however, a British couple came over because one of them was offered a job, their spouse doesn’t automatically get a work permit. I don’t know all the details, but that’s the situation my friend was in, she was a trailing spouse, allowed to live here but not to work.

What visa is she on?

Ah yes @BruFord if uk trailing spouse v diff.
@Justmythoughtandme is he a Brit?

His sister is his immediate family.

But you are right that it's their money and not just his money, so there is a conversation that needs to be had about the support they can offer, as a family unit. But it is a green flag rather than a red one that he wants to help his sister.

@Yoyooo its a type of spouse visa I believe H1b

@zenae thank you for this, we will definitely have a look!

So he's not American? How long have they been married/lived in us?

@BruFord thank you. Yes this all came to light recently what went on between them. They only been married for 9 months. He didn’t even open a bank account for her. There is so much abuse went on between them, we didn’t know any of it. So so sad. She got married (from Bangladesh) and he (the husband just used her basically to be a trophy wife , cook and clean. And she recently stated realising speaking up/arguing with the husband about the whole living situations. It gotten so bad they are divorcing now, well he is filing.

@CaptainFuture no he isn’t American he is on a work visa himself

If only been married 9 months shouldn't be too hard to return to her former life?
Did she work before? No kids, so can just go home and divorce from there.