Have 15 month old & husband wants divorce...& custody. Have no clue where to start?

[biggestmug]

Hi, would never normally do this, but I really am stuck! I've been with my dh for 10 years, since I was 17, married for 4 and we have a gorgeous 15 month year old dd. We've been through so much together, dh has been on anti-depressants since I met him and recently diagnosed with OCD. Both have been helped with new tablets, but since he's been on them (since just after dd was born!) he seems like he's been left numb, no emotion. He fell out with his parents selfishly and drink influenced which resulted in them refusing to see us from November until last weekend. He now seems to be doing the same to me. I'll admit, i'm not the easiest person to deal with as I have pmt and snap at him all the time, but what with his depression, we've kind of just bounced off each other in the past.

Seems lately, we've both had enough. Hadn't slept with each other for ages. First time for over 8 weeks the other week which had no feeling whatsoever. He always said that it was his tablets that stopped him wanting to, but apparently he just doesn't want to with me anymore. He admitted the other night that he never wanted to get engaged, let alone married and never wanted children, but loves dd loads.

We've kind of agreed that the spark has gone and we've been through too much to rectify things now, we hate living together and feel that the best thing for dd would be to split.

He announced tonight that he wants a divorce a.s.a.p and he won't be leaving like was first planned 2mrw as it would look bad in court. He also wants to fight for custody & wants to eventually take dd to live abroad if his work changes. He feels he will win hands down as he will be providing a better life for her. (I'm sure this is just a threat!)

Basically need some advice. I've been with him for 10 yrs, he's always sorted the bills, had higher wages than me - which always gets thrown in my face - i'm now working part-time, 2 days a week earning nothing really. I know him, he's sneaky & pretty clever - I don't think he'll stop until he gets her and i'm scared!! How can he think it's best for dd to put us through courts and then eventually take her abroad away from me . He wants to start by taking her to portugal for 2 weeks in September! It would rip my heart out!!

Does he have a real chance of winning custody if it went that far? What should I be doing now. Should I initiate divorce proceedings?

Sorry for the long post, just can't believe this is happening. We produced the most amazingly perfect baby, but we still can't be happy together. Please, please, please help!!

He sure has all the answers, doesn't he?

I'm no expert, but from what I have learned on MN, you should:

Do not leave your home. Let him leave.

Take notes on everything that happens.

Write what has already happened in your relationship. Include his mental illnesses/neurosis and his rocky relationship with parents.

Go see your own lawyer.

Stash money away.

Do not let him take baby away in September. She's too young.

I'm sure there will be people with much good advice on here soon.

oh gosh, this is awful

I really dont know how to help, but someone on here will.

Courts rule in favour of the mother unless there is a good reason not to, i believe and it's not financially related. Do you take care of her in the day? Does your h go to work? If so she is used to being with you. That will be most important in any courts eyes.

Maybe go see a solicitor?

Yep, he sure does like to seem like he has all the answers!!

Apparently, as I won't be able to afford anything else & will probably end up in a council house, it will go against me & he'll flutter his eyelashes at the judge & he'll let him take my baby away.

I didn't ever think he would turn like this!

My memory is so bad that i'm making myself document everything - he won't win!!

I work for a solicitors so i'm sure i'll be able to get a bit of info before having to pay. Hopefully that'll be on my side.

I appreciate your reply so much, it's nice to know that there are people to chat to

Hi sorry dont have much legal advice but I would be very suprised if he had a leg to stand on in terms of having custody and taking your child abroad.
Sounds like he is trying to scare you.

Good Idea about taking notes.

Something a friend did when her ex(DP) did was apply for a passport for her DD in order to prevent her exDP for applying for one secretly and trying to use it.
Then hide this and birth certificate, idealy in another house like your parents.

Also do not give persmission for trips abroad, even extended visits until you are certain that he would't care out his threat of taking her abroad.

Good luck.

God, I can't believe you're all up at this time, thanks!!

Dh works 3 weeks & then is on call for a week (including weekend). He is also called out all over the country and can't guarantee an exact time he'll be home. Apparently, he wouldn't give this up for me, but would for dd he says!! He has a course coming up fo 6 weeks - will be coming home at weekends if he feels like it , but i'm sure he will, he is a good dad & does love dd.

Yes, for the last year & a bit, I looked after her obviously on maternity leave. For a month I worked full time, but with dd being ill with a virus & having a week off, we decided it was too much & I needed to be at home more (as parents & friends don't live near!), so I now work 2 days a week. (Which he's throwing back in my face, as usual!!)

It's very hard, we moved about an hour away from our friends & families due to his job. Now I feel like i'm a bit stuck. Love the area & want dd to be near dh, but will be hard.

Thanks very much. I hope I don't sound stupid, just haven't really had to think for myself in such a long time. I'm learning that you should never really rely on anyone but yourself, huh!

I hid her passport months ago.....that alone says something about my trust for him doesn't it.

I feel soooooo sad for dd. I wanted the perfect family for her that I never had & it's all gone wrong . I'm gutted, but I refuse to let it affect dd.

Have a word with someone at work asap to see what your rights are with regards to everything. Don't move out of the house - if he wants to go that is his choice. Don't even consider letting him take dd anywhere on holiday without you. Good luck and keep positive.

Dear BM,

you need legal advice asap! CAT me and I can give you details.

I am so sorry it has come to this and yes you are awake at such an ungodly hour, I feel for you.

Let's get started, shall we? Crying has never made things better but action will and it should keep you busy.

I'd like to point out that with his medical record I do not see him getting (sole) custody. Are his parents aware of what's happening? It's their grandchild and after what your H has done to them I don't think they'd feel good about him taking her anyway.

Has he ever hit or abused you? You should speak and record it with your GP.

You should ideally stash some money away and maybe leave it at your Mum's. Don't put it in your bank account as for a financial settlement you'll have to declare that one. Put dd's tax credits into it. Go today and do t! Explain the situation to your bank manager and alert them to any fraudulent activities from your H's side (large sums of money, etc).

Get together your marriage certificate, child birth certificate, all bank account statements over the last 4 years and any insurance policies, pension plans, etc. Do you have a property together? Has it recently been valued? This needs to be done, too.

If you file first you will be able to determine the pace of the proceedings a bit more than him (the respondent). There's no guilt principle in the UK. In your case you can file for unreasonable behaviour (5 reasons should do, they're quite lenient and understand).

I don't know what else to say but definitely do not dawdle lest he files first. You sound like you need a good hug and a glass of wine.

A happy perfect two parent family is an ideal and sadly not something real life offers that often. Often I've noticed how children flourish, when the oppressive atmosphere or loveless tension is lifted from the house by a couple splitting up. In my eyes it's not worth staying together for the kids if that's the only glue holding you together. Children are very perceptive and will feel the negative energy between their parents.

It sounds like he's a bit of a mess, tbh. Your DD is still pretty young, and your DH's new meds may not agree with him?

TBH, if he actually wanted out, if he actually wanted away from you, he wouldn't be putting so much energy into trying to frighten and hurt you. He's still very much involved with you, just in a negative way.

(I don't think he'd have any chance of taking your DD to another country without your consent - he's just coming up with the worst thing, to threaten you.)

What does he want from you in these conversations? Is he hoping you'll lie on the floor, a broken woman, weeping, and begging him not to leave?

You don't say if you want a divorce. Do you?

Is individual counselling something he'd consider? Or couples counselling for you both? Couples counselling can help you get a more civil divorce, which can make life a lot easier for you both, and your DD, in the long run, if that's the way it goes.

Sounds like he's trying to freak you out. My Ex (who is nothing like yours, not trying to seem as bad!) brings up taking DD who he hardly ever sees and is 20 months abroad to see his parents or to "his place" (erm, he has no place) for weekends just to upset me. Like yours, he know we can't discuss it rationally as he has no secure place to live and no permanent job. It's all just hypothesis and conveniently brought up at crunch point in arguments - much like your Ex doing this to you the night before he was due to leave.

I would say go to the CAB and get advice. But before you leave the house, hide your paperwork and passports and make sure you have access to some money. Don't start any big rows with him if you can help it in case that spurs him on to take action before you can get advice. Take your baby with you always and if you're leaving her with friends/family/nursery make sure they know that you and you alone will be picking her up.

The housing office is also worth a visit, get on the list for council housing - doesn't hurt to be registered. If you rent at the moment and want to move then they should make it a priority as your Ex is in the house.

It doesn't hurt to do any of this, even if you go down the route of counselling and don't split. Just my opinion but I found it helps to be taking control and putting plans in place.

unless you suddenly start injecting heroin into your eyeballs while going on the game...he doesn't stand a chance of gaining custody
this is such a nasty ploy that men use to scare women, and it's all a load of BS

Thanks for your messages.

Both our names are on the mortgage & we have a joint account, so it'll be tricky for me to get money without him knowing exactly what i'm taking out & I always use my card, so he'll know if i'm up to anything. There are always ways though.

After last night, yes i'm up for a divorce. We had a friend over today, he either regretted what he said last night after he'd had a drink, or can't remember, we haven't spoken about it. He just got up this morning and wanted a hug, thinking i'll forget things as usual I think. Not this time, i'm not being walked over anymore. He always plays with my head, all day he's been talking about more baby plans, work etc., as my friend is pg and how he'd like to adopt, etc, which is what we've though about in the past when we had problems conceiving & calling me darling .

I'm working tomorrow so will try to speak to somebody. DD's temperature has come out after her MMR last week, planning to put her in the morning & will have to see how things go. Not sure how the whole no win no fee thing works, but will do i'm sure very soon!!

Your not stupid at all! You can see a situation starting and your taking control of your life and planning for it. Very smart and brave in my opinion.

Maybe I'm cynical but it seems to me like he is being emotionaly abusive in order to keep you in line.

Maybe make a secret get away plan, the element of suprise will work in your favor.

Dont do anything that would make him suspicious like taking money out offten; save it up in joint account tell him your saving for something that benifits you both, then when you leave clear it.

Forgot to say last night, the fact that you work 2 days and he works full time will work in your favor as you already spend more time with DD and can also provide stabilty in terms of metal health.
If he gives up his job it will seem as if he cant hold on to a job and provide for his child.
Also means he cant use the fact that he earns more over you.

metal is ment to be mental.

I wouldn't think he has much chance at all of getting a residence order (term for custody) all of the time - it's far more likely that residence would go to you or some kind of shared arrangement. I think earnings and housing status count for much less than the wellbeing of the child including care/emotional wellbeing etc - and his mental health is not great.

When you've read up on it, hopefully you can make it clear to him that his stuff about money/house is just rubbish.

I talked to a solicitor when going through a very difficult time with dh (including him wanting to move abroad) and should things go to court bear in mind that they act in the best interests of the child. Mostly that means keeping things as they are, so if you are the primary carer now it's highly unlikely your dh would get anything other than access rights (called something else now). Money does not come into it, because both parents will continue to contribute. Go and see the CAB you will feel much better when you have a good idea of the legal situation.

I did post yesterday, but for some reason it didn't go through .

I spoke to a solicitor at my work, who explained her charges, £2k for a normal divorce & a further £2 - £4k if children are involved. Inital meeting would be £185 - great!! How do people afford it? Went to the CAB at lunch but drop in closed at 12:30. Have all dd's documents in a bag, took them to work, dh won't find. Will make an appt with CAB for next week.

Yesterday he woke up all nice, wanted a cuddle, etc., wondering why I was annoyed. Dd wasn't well, had a temperature through MMR jabs last week, so she stayed with him all day as he was off...didn't have a choice and new I had the car, the other isn't working. Got home, he cooked dinner etc., which he does quite a lot anyway. Dh went to the pub, I was in bed when he got home. Suprisingly he was pretty sober & begged me to go down & talk about things. I did reluctantly...he explained that he really loved me & were we worth saving. He turned it round as usual & said it was my decision to make....he agrees it does seem like we don't like each other atm & we have to sort it out. I didn't agree to anything & went to bed. This morning, all nice...apart from the fact that dd was up in the night & as usual he didn't hear her....we slept in separate rooms (my choice). Being reall nice, talking about going away all together on holiday - being pretty normal for dd, but I still haven't forgotten what he's said about taking her away.....we'll see. Watch this space!!

Spoke to my parents, who will continue to be neutral. Dh & dd asleep upstairs. I'm feeing knackered, trying to do a bit of a course that i've enrolled on - to keep me sane.

Anyway, hope everyone else is okay?

Please dont let your guard down. He sounds really manipulative and he may just be pretending he is "better" now. If someone threatens to take your child you have to be so defensive. That is just not on. I am so sorry for you that you are going through this. What part of the country are you in? I am in Essex. Wish I could help.

I'm no expert, but if he's threatened to abduct your child, then I would be tempted to forewarn the police

I hope you realise from the replys that he hasn't a chance of getting custody from you. You are the child's mother. This only happens when either the mother doesn't want the child or has a drug/alchol problem, is abusive or similar. You work part time and are with your child far more. The very fact he has said this would make me definately plan to split but be very careful.

I would log everything that is said secretly of course. I would start saving carefully. I would go to a solicitor or the citizen's advice bureau. Do not let him take your child out of the country for a holiday or spend time alone with your daughter in case he tries to abduct her. I would warn the police. RE leaving the house - I don't know.

He doesn't have a chance of getting custody. A mum has to be virtually guzzling meths in bed all day for a court to hand over a child to the father.

Please get to a solicitor a.s.a.p though. They will be able to help you through this. Agree with everyone else about hiding important documents and logging any conversations / threats.