Have 15 month old & husband wants divorce...& custody. Have no clue where to start?

[biggestmug]

Hi, would never normally do this, but I really am stuck! I've been with my dh for 10 years, since I was 17, married for 4 and we have a gorgeous 15 month year old dd. We've been through so much together, dh has been on anti-depressants since I met him and recently diagnosed with OCD. Both have been helped with new tablets, but since he's been on them (since just after dd was born!) he seems like he's been left numb, no emotion. He fell out with his parents selfishly and drink influenced which resulted in them refusing to see us from November until last weekend. He now seems to be doing the same to me. I'll admit, i'm not the easiest person to deal with as I have pmt and snap at him all the time, but what with his depression, we've kind of just bounced off each other in the past.

Seems lately, we've both had enough. Hadn't slept with each other for ages. First time for over 8 weeks the other week which had no feeling whatsoever. He always said that it was his tablets that stopped him wanting to, but apparently he just doesn't want to with me anymore. He admitted the other night that he never wanted to get engaged, let alone married and never wanted children, but loves dd loads.

We've kind of agreed that the spark has gone and we've been through too much to rectify things now, we hate living together and feel that the best thing for dd would be to split.

He announced tonight that he wants a divorce a.s.a.p and he won't be leaving like was first planned 2mrw as it would look bad in court. He also wants to fight for custody & wants to eventually take dd to live abroad if his work changes. He feels he will win hands down as he will be providing a better life for her. (I'm sure this is just a threat!)

Basically need some advice. I've been with him for 10 yrs, he's always sorted the bills, had higher wages than me - which always gets thrown in my face - i'm now working part-time, 2 days a week earning nothing really. I know him, he's sneaky & pretty clever - I don't think he'll stop until he gets her and i'm scared!! How can he think it's best for dd to put us through courts and then eventually take her abroad away from me . He wants to start by taking her to portugal for 2 weeks in September! It would rip my heart out!!

Does he have a real chance of winning custody if it went that far? What should I be doing now. Should I initiate divorce proceedings?

Sorry for the long post, just can't believe this is happening. We produced the most amazingly perfect baby, but we still can't be happy together. Please, please, please help!!

We spoke last night and I asked him whether he actually meant what he said, or was it the drink talking. He actually said that he meant it and why do I have the right to say that it's best for dd to live with me, she is both our daughter. He thinks that if he did work abroad then it's fair for her to live with him for 6 months and then me 6 months. What!! Apparently he is not happy in his job and wants more out of life, if it means working abroad then so be it.

As far as he is concerned, we are seeing how things go. I am doing a course at the moment to help get myself financially secure and can maybe start up my own business this year. Will be going to see the CAB on Wed.

I am also going to get help for my pmt, and he is going to drop down his tablets on the say so of his doctor in the next few weeks to see if makes any differernce.

Thanks for your comments, they really are helping.

It sounds like he is trying to lull you into a false sense of security and mess with your head.

Don't let him take her on holiday. She is too young anyway imo and after what he has said I wouldn't trust him to bring her back.

how could her living with you 6 mths and him 6 mths work? how would that work with school? I would not stay with a man that threatened to take the child if the marriage didn't work. I would forget the course but spend your energies on planning a getaway for the time being. Just my view. If you still love him and think it could work then I am totally wrong. But I would definately start planning an escape in case he decides to carry out his threats.

I'm afraid he's talking bullsh. And the fact that you are still listening worries me.

Do not be bullied or coaxed into anything. This phase now is the quiet before the storm. TBH, the solicitor's charges sound ver, very reasonable. If you feel comfy and secure with the lawyer then do not dawdle when your heart tells you where you ought to be.

Your H is talking out of his behind. As Alice pointed out: how does 6/6 mths plans work for your dc??? No court is going to rubberstamp this.

Let me give you a clue in regards to taking money out of your joint account and stashing it away. Do you have a cheque book? Write a few cheques out, £500, £300,... Don't fill in the dates but keep the book and stubs to yourself. Cash them bit by bit and if he asks, say you had to pay for something for dc, tuition fees for you, a party of a friend, a gift. £60, £50,- steadily build up to more. Stash the cash at your Mum's or a safe place in your locker at work, in the boot of your car, a pair of boots, etc.

Have you opened up a new bank account yet? Diverted child tax credits into it?