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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a rubbish friend

30 replies

SadPanda · 04/06/2025 08:01

I feel so guilty and ashamed because I'm a rubbish friend.

I have a friend I've known for around 20 years. We were close but around 10 years ago she moved abroad and the friendship faded to just following each other on social media.

Recently I've been posting about my health issue and my journey through the treatment. My friend saw this and has now privately messaged me to wish me well. She's then told me that her relationship has turned violent, that she's trapped with this man, and that her and her son are both suffering. I've tried to offer practical advice, but she bats it all away. I think she's isolated and just looking for someone to emotionally unload onto.

This is the awful bit, and why I've changed names, I feel like I can't do it. I have so much on my own shoulders that I can't take on any of the burden of someone else right now. I'm so ashamed. This lovely, kind woman is reaching out to an old friend for support and I have no support to give. I was in her situation 30 years ago, I know how awful it is, but I'm drowning myself.

I'm also feeling very angry with her, which I feel guilty about. She's found the strength to reach out, which should be admired and supported. But the trigger was me writing about my health issue and I'm angry that she chose now to add to what she knows I'm already dealing with. But at the same time my heart is breaking for her and her son.

What do I do? I'm such a mess, my head is all over the place. My heart is screaming at me to tell her to get on a plane and come take my spare room. My head is screaming that this would be absolutely catastrophic for my family.

OP posts:
2sometimes3 · 04/06/2025 08:02

Recently I've been posting about my health issue and my journey through the treatment.

on SM?

Stop Op this for a start

2sometimes3 · 04/06/2025 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TasWair · 04/06/2025 08:07

2sometimes3 · 04/06/2025 08:02

Recently I've been posting about my health issue and my journey through the treatment.

on SM?

Stop Op this for a start

Oh stop it. People are allowed to share whatever they want. The days of suffering in silence are over. OP may well be raising awareness of her medical issue. If it's not your thing, don't do it, but don't judge others that do.
I wonder what has made you get up this morning and decide to be awful to a stranger battling a health issue and having treatment.

2sometimes3 · 04/06/2025 08:09

TasWair · 04/06/2025 08:07

Oh stop it. People are allowed to share whatever they want. The days of suffering in silence are over. OP may well be raising awareness of her medical issue. If it's not your thing, don't do it, but don't judge others that do.
I wonder what has made you get up this morning and decide to be awful to a stranger battling a health issue and having treatment.

Show quote history

The Op is posting on social media about private health matters and updates

That isn’t sensible

Original poster
SadPanda · 04/06/2025 08:09

2sometimes3 · 04/06/2025 08:02

Recently I've been posting about my health issue and my journey through the treatment.

on SM?

Stop Op this for a start

The only people I have on social media are friends and family. It's how we keep in touch and how I feel able to update them on my progress. That's the method that I can cope with and my therapist encouraged me to do it.

OP posts:
2sometimes3 · 04/06/2025 08:09

TasWair · 04/06/2025 08:07

Oh stop it. People are allowed to share whatever they want. The days of suffering in silence are over. OP may well be raising awareness of her medical issue. If it's not your thing, don't do it, but don't judge others that do.
I wonder what has made you get up this morning and decide to be awful to a stranger battling a health issue and having treatment.

Show quote history

Ok so what’s your advice to the Op?

2sometimes3 · 04/06/2025 08:10

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TasWair · 04/06/2025 08:10

OP, I think you're going though a lot and that you're absolutely allowed not to take this on. Your friend's decision to unload on you though she knows you're going though medical treatment is at best selfish. I wouldn't offer a place for her to stay, but might send her links to organizations that can help. Don't put yourself on fire to keep others warm...

2sometimes3 · 04/06/2025 08:10

Anyone who cares about you…. Won’t be limited to SM interaction with you

Original poster
SadPanda · 04/06/2025 08:11

This reply has been deleted

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That is extremely unkind and unnecessary to someone who is currently going through hell with their health and struggling to cope. My comment was a genuine reflection of my situation and how it would impact me.

OP posts:
TasWair · 04/06/2025 08:15

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This is so isolating and unkind. Why would you post so much to a vulnerable person in a shitty situation, not offering actual advice about her friend but judging her on the way she chooses to share information with her family?
THIS is the way you're choosing to interact with the human race today. And yet you're judging the OP. I feel sorry for you and your lack of empathy.

Original poster
SadPanda · 04/06/2025 08:16

Just so posters know who they're being horribly to, although it'll get my knuckles rapped again for posting about private medical stuff online, I have breast cancer. Posting about it helps me to process it.

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 04/06/2025 08:17

OP, surely the reason your friend has disclosed her violent relationship is because you felt able to talk about your health journey? If it’s just messages and chat, can’t you respond to your friend as often as you feel comfortable, without taking it further? You’ve said it would be disastrous to offer her your spare room - so don’t. But it doesn’t stop you from being able to react sympathetically. Your friend knows you are having a hard time, and I’m sure is not writing to you with the idea of imposing herself on you. You’ve said she “bats away practical advice” - it’s not always easy simply to walk out of a relationship, as countless threads on Mumsnet have shown, but perhaps the very reason she is talking to you is because of the physical distance between you - it feels like a safe thing to do from her point of view.

StasisMom · 04/06/2025 08:18

Yes, I agree. With you and the two PPs.

sesquipedalian · 04/06/2025 08:18

And v sorry to hear that you have breast cancer - I do hope the treatment is going well.

2sometimes3 · 04/06/2025 08:18

SadPanda · 04/06/2025 08:11

That is extremely unkind and unnecessary to someone who is currently going through hell with their health and struggling to cope. My comment was a genuine reflection of my situation and how it would impact me.

Show quote history

Get off SM Op

and none of this would have arisen

that’s my advice 🤷

TheSlantedOwl · 04/06/2025 08:18

Ignore the posters who have pounced on you with criticisms about SM OP.

You don’t have any responsibility to prop up this woman. You have enough going on. If you want to, email her every now and then saying you hope things have improved or whatever.

Focus on your own needs right now and your own family.

2sometimes3 · 04/06/2025 08:19

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Original poster
SadPanda · 04/06/2025 08:20

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You've made your point, repeatedly, you can move on now.

OP posts:
2sometimes3 · 04/06/2025 08:21

Will do

Britneyfan · 04/06/2025 08:23

OP you don’t have to take this on, however as you say it sounds like she is reaching out to an old friend and often people in abusive relationships have been isolated and may not have a lot of other social contacts unfortunately. You absolutely do not need to offer her your spare room if you don’t want to! But do make sure she knows where to go for support and advice, which it sounds like you’ve already done.

It would be totally ok to message saying something like “I’m so sorry things are difficult for you right now, I am so overwhelmed with managing my own issues right now I can’t offer much in the way of practical or emotional support currently, but I care a lot for you as an old friend and am worried for you and your son, please please seek support from a domestic abuse support worker, I would love to know you and your son are safe. Please don’t take my not messaging a lot right now as an indication I don’t care about you or this situation, with my health issues I just have a lot of my own difficult and stressful things I am dealing with right now”.

I’m sorry you’re getting a tough time on here for posting on social media to friends and family about health issues, though I do generally agree it’s best not to share these things with people you don’t speak to regularly in everyday life in case of this sort of issue. As you say it’s been an excuse for her to get in touch again, she may even genuinely want to offer her support (I recently messaged someone I went to school with but haven’t spoken to since to say I was sorry and offer my support as she posted about having cancer etc and I didn’t want her to think her Facebook friends don’t give a shit even if we’re not close), but it’s led to her also volunteering her own issues as part of updating you about her own life since you last met which are just too much for you right now and that’s ok. It is selfish as another poster has suggested in one way, but in another I can see when people are isolated and abused they should be encouraged to reach out to old contacts for support if they feel they need it and not hide everything away, but it’s just bad timing for you. Look after yourself!

MmeChoufleur · 04/06/2025 08:26

I’m sorry you’re having such a shit time and wish you all the best with your treatment and recovery. You really should talk to your therapist about this to explore why you’re feeling such a strong sense of responsibility towards this friend. Are you usually a ‘fixer’? People pleasing causes so much mental turmoil but it is completely self-inflicted. It’s wonderfully liberating to work through it in therapy and let it go. You’ll be able to listen to your friend without that suffocating feeling that you’re trapped and need to do something. Good luck!

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 04/06/2025 08:31

Britneyfan · 04/06/2025 08:23

OP you don’t have to take this on, however as you say it sounds like she is reaching out to an old friend and often people in abusive relationships have been isolated and may not have a lot of other social contacts unfortunately. You absolutely do not need to offer her your spare room if you don’t want to! But do make sure she knows where to go for support and advice, which it sounds like you’ve already done.

It would be totally ok to message saying something like “I’m so sorry things are difficult for you right now, I am so overwhelmed with managing my own issues right now I can’t offer much in the way of practical or emotional support currently, but I care a lot for you as an old friend and am worried for you and your son, please please seek support from a domestic abuse support worker, I would love to know you and your son are safe. Please don’t take my not messaging a lot right now as an indication I don’t care about you or this situation, with my health issues I just have a lot of my own difficult and stressful things I am dealing with right now”.

I’m sorry you’re getting a tough time on here for posting on social media to friends and family about health issues, though I do generally agree it’s best not to share these things with people you don’t speak to regularly in everyday life in case of this sort of issue. As you say it’s been an excuse for her to get in touch again, she may even genuinely want to offer her support (I recently messaged someone I went to school with but haven’t spoken to since to say I was sorry and offer my support as she posted about having cancer etc and I didn’t want her to think her Facebook friends don’t give a shit even if we’re not close), but it’s led to her also volunteering her own issues as part of updating you about her own life since you last met which are just too much for you right now and that’s ok. It is selfish as another poster has suggested in one way, but in another I can see when people are isolated and abused they should be encouraged to reach out to old contacts for support if they feel they need it and not hide everything away, but it’s just bad timing for you. Look after yourself!

This wording is perfect. I agree with the other OP, you can be supportive without overextending yourself. She's playing the 'yes but' game when you try to offer real solutions which is bound to be maddening. How did you get out of your own similar situation 30 years ago? Would you have expected a friend with cancer to take you in?

Original poster
SadPanda · 04/06/2025 08:57

Britneyfan · 04/06/2025 08:23

OP you don’t have to take this on, however as you say it sounds like she is reaching out to an old friend and often people in abusive relationships have been isolated and may not have a lot of other social contacts unfortunately. You absolutely do not need to offer her your spare room if you don’t want to! But do make sure she knows where to go for support and advice, which it sounds like you’ve already done.

It would be totally ok to message saying something like “I’m so sorry things are difficult for you right now, I am so overwhelmed with managing my own issues right now I can’t offer much in the way of practical or emotional support currently, but I care a lot for you as an old friend and am worried for you and your son, please please seek support from a domestic abuse support worker, I would love to know you and your son are safe. Please don’t take my not messaging a lot right now as an indication I don’t care about you or this situation, with my health issues I just have a lot of my own difficult and stressful things I am dealing with right now”.

I’m sorry you’re getting a tough time on here for posting on social media to friends and family about health issues, though I do generally agree it’s best not to share these things with people you don’t speak to regularly in everyday life in case of this sort of issue. As you say it’s been an excuse for her to get in touch again, she may even genuinely want to offer her support (I recently messaged someone I went to school with but haven’t spoken to since to say I was sorry and offer my support as she posted about having cancer etc and I didn’t want her to think her Facebook friends don’t give a shit even if we’re not close), but it’s led to her also volunteering her own issues as part of updating you about her own life since you last met which are just too much for you right now and that’s ok. It is selfish as another poster has suggested in one way, but in another I can see when people are isolated and abused they should be encouraged to reach out to old contacts for support if they feel they need it and not hide everything away, but it’s just bad timing for you. Look after yourself!

This is super helpful. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadPanda · 04/06/2025 08:59

MmeChoufleur · 04/06/2025 08:26

I’m sorry you’re having such a shit time and wish you all the best with your treatment and recovery. You really should talk to your therapist about this to explore why you’re feeling such a strong sense of responsibility towards this friend. Are you usually a ‘fixer’? People pleasing causes so much mental turmoil but it is completely self-inflicted. It’s wonderfully liberating to work through it in therapy and let it go. You’ll be able to listen to your friend without that suffocating feeling that you’re trapped and need to do something. Good luck!

You're right, I think I am somewhat. I'm autistic and find it very difficult to seperate my emotions from other peoples, I take it all on myself, even though I know that's not right.

OP posts: