I'm a rubbish friend

[SadPanda]

I feel so guilty and ashamed because I'm a rubbish friend.

I have a friend I've known for around 20 years. We were close but around 10 years ago she moved abroad and the friendship faded to just following each other on social media.

Recently I've been posting about my health issue and my journey through the treatment. My friend saw this and has now privately messaged me to wish me well. She's then told me that her relationship has turned violent, that she's trapped with this man, and that her and her son are both suffering. I've tried to offer practical advice, but she bats it all away. I think she's isolated and just looking for someone to emotionally unload onto.

This is the awful bit, and why I've changed names, I feel like I can't do it. I have so much on my own shoulders that I can't take on any of the burden of someone else right now. I'm so ashamed. This lovely, kind woman is reaching out to an old friend for support and I have no support to give. I was in her situation 30 years ago, I know how awful it is, but I'm drowning myself.

I'm also feeling very angry with her, which I feel guilty about. She's found the strength to reach out, which should be admired and supported. But the trigger was me writing about my health issue and I'm angry that she chose now to add to what she knows I'm already dealing with. But at the same time my heart is breaking for her and her son.

What do I do? I'm such a mess, my head is all over the place. My heart is screaming at me to tell her to get on a plane and come take my spare room. My head is screaming that this would be absolutely catastrophic for my family.

All this. She just needs to be seen. A couple of messages will do.

Very sorry about your situation.

It is or was, I don't even know anymore. I found out this morning that they now want to look closer at what they thought was a benign tumour on my kidney.because of the breast cancer diagnosis. The breast cancer doctor is pretty certain it isn't breast cancer but a diagnosis of one cancer means the protocol changes for the other.

One of the greatest things I learned was that most people just want a friendly, listening ear. They’re not asking you to solve the problem.

Maybe because I’m the type of person who always claims to be “fine” even when I’m not, if I do open up to someone then I am usually desperate and asking for help. Most people aren’t doing that, they just need to vent.

@2sometimes3
Nasty pasty. I do hope no one is as cruel to you, as you are to others.

You don't know OP's life. What works for one person is totally separate to what works for someone else. You have absolutely no reason to judge her or be nasty. Have a think about what you spread in life. You want to keep being nasty then it's time for some self reflection.

The op has a serious illness is dealing with it in her own way.

Op you have my best wishes.

I was in the uk back then and went to Women's Aid and was then rehoused by the council. I'm not sure she has an option like that, although I have messaged others I know from her country to ask. And you're right, I never even considered moving in with anyone, but to be fair, she isn't asking that. That's just me and my emotional response to her situation.