New sex , old boyfriend

[Peppermintpatpat]

I had a really exciting and experimental passionate relationship with my partner and was looking forward to pursuing a lot further with my partner but he wasn’t able to be fully present for the rest of our relationship and wasn’t always honest,
so I don’t feel he’s a safe space to continue exploring all of that with, especially as we were in love, I don’t know how to go from love to something less committed but at the same time hot l, when we’ve done the commitment thing, s this something anyone has ever successfully transitioned into?
We did try after a recent split and the sex was mind blowing but also so was the aftermath of loving cuddle etc and could feel all the old relationship stuff creep in.
im not desperate to go and find anyone else although would like to maybe explore further same sex relationship as have dabbled in the past and it seems like i think about it a lot, maybe my relationship ending is making space for that ?
I feel like we finished prematurely when it came to sex because the relationship had to end when it did.
in aware i sound quite mixed up but this is why ive come to the experts 🙌🏼

I don't understand a word of your post.

This just gave me brain freeze

Haha the caveat is at the both, I’m aware I sound mixed up.

I’m exhausted and just wanted to get my thoughts out, was typing fast and didn’t proofread nor look at it again until I saw these responses, by which time it’s too late to edit my post.

short version:
age old question: is sex with your ex ever a good idea 🤣🤷🏽‍♀️

even if it is the best you’ve had and the best he’s had and you had so much more to explore?
has anyone ever changed the dynamic of their relationship to become less about building and growing a relationship and made it more about sex?

im thinking it might be a bit of a mad move but was enjoying all the experimental stuff and forward plans, plus it was always so passionate, fun, funny and connected .

also, my other thoughts were that maybe after I’ve dealt with the end of this relationship it could be time to further explore my bi-curiosity, I’ve had a few one night things but never any more than that and the older I get the more it appeals

Sounds like you'd be likely to suffer emotionally if you tried to make your ex more of an FWB.

I'm sure you'd find a woman happy to help with your bicurious exploration so my vote goes to that option. Don't blame me if you fall for her though. 😬🙂

Tbh OP,
I've had ex's, great sex but they have been shit relationships and horrible men.
My husband has been the best man I could ever ever wish for. We do have great sex, however not as often as we used to - but when we do it's amazing.
We've been through alot - been through thick and thin.
We are now 31 (me) and he's 36 and been together for 11 years married for 6.
So, my answer for you would be no.
It is possible for you to find a great relationship AND great sex!

I think you're confused and you're asking advice about how you should feel? You haven't mentioned how he feels or why he's an ex? Only you know what you want and if you don't, then therapy is a good option.
Not trying to be rude or judgemental but have you been drinking or taken something? That can affect your reasoning and the dynamics in a relationship

Thank you all for replies, no definitely not drunk or taken anything, just shattered and dealing with a lot of things atm plus have visual and neurological issues along with dyscalculia so can be hard getting my words and thoughts out whether written or verbally.

I had so much I wanted to say it just poured out onto the page
I have talk to text software but sometimes it makes even less sense than I do !

He would definitely go for it, he wants us to stay together but he just can’t meet me where I am with my needs, he is also quite chaotic in a different way from me, we’ve been on and off seeing each other for years and it always ended up as a full relationship again. I’d always end up let down or disappointed so we have discussed this possibly mad option but I don’t know
there’s a reason I’m asking here and not friends because I want impartial people not onlookers who know everything

What needs can he not meet? Could you just have a relationship but accept that there are bits of you that need other things as well? An open relationship isn't just for sex. I think a lot of women are quite happy with their sex life but need more than their relationship in their lives.

I don’t know, I’ve never done anything like that before. The needs are all things that would make a relationship progress and have strong foundations , as well as honesty, accountability etc

he wants all the trappings of a girlfriend but not any work to build a safe and secure connection.

ultimately he is dismissive and emotionally avoidant. He shows love in physical intimacy and in gift giving and acts of service but won’t be pinned down into anything else.

wants to live together but still act like he doesn’t have anybody else to consider.
its sad really because he wants his cake and eat it and can’t understand why I need more commitment and consistency

If you want a meaningful relationship in your life get rid of this man. Being tangled up with him in any form will make you unavailable for something better. Work on yourself. Don’t rush in to anything new. Try not having sex for a few months.

No, I think it's silly and self-sabotaging to keep a sexual relationship with him, if you know that a relationship with him won't work. You keep ending up back with him even though you know it's no good.

Also, it's a bit cruel if he wants a relationship, to keep giving him the hope and opportunity of getting you back.

You're just going round and round in circles.

Move on properly. Give yourself a chance to find great sex with someone else. Give him a chance to get over you.

It’s always tempting to get back with someone who you enjoyed an exciting sex life with. I dated an ex colleague for a few months in early 2023, ended up me quite hurt. I then didn’t see him in person until end of last year (though stayed in touch via messages) and since then have seen him once or twice a week at work. The sexual attraction / tension is still there and it’s definitely leading towards us ending up back in bed.

I keep asking myself if it wasn’t for the great sex and excitement of safe experimenting (have known him for 8yrs so feel safe with him) would I want to go back there. I am wondering if we can just keep it light, occasional sex then it might be ok. Then the screaming sensible part of me is shouting don’t go back. 100% it’s the great sex and fact I fancy the pants off him that is luring me back. I also know that once we start having sex again, it all just gets complicated.

I would say move on. You have done this on and off again for a while now and fwb just seems another name for him wanting regular sex without commitment. It will leave you more damaged and chewed up by such a confusing relationship than you already sound (sorry!).

Secondly he is only the best sex you have had so far. There is highly likely to be someone out there who is just as good if not better sex AND can commit to a normal relationship.

Dont waste years on something that is clearly going nowhere and might end up just eroding your self esteem.

Thats my 2p worth! Best of luck!

I'd say completely move on.
Don't waste any more yours.
You would both be stringing each other along in your own ways.

Aim to have a total break from relationships for several months and get to know yourself a bit more.

Thank you, that’s really kind.
my self esteem is well and truly eroded by this relationship already!

All the more reason to end the whole thing.

Cut contact completely.

Agree with PP - FWB with this guy isn’t going to work. Your on again/off again history shows that. You both need to move on. That means properly letting him go also and it sounds a bit as if you don’t want to do that. But you don’t want to have him either. So cut him loose. And try to keep away from each other for a while so you can get used to your relationship being over.

Depends what you want - it does sound like you are looking for a proper relationship at some point - you’re unlikely to find that if you are still tied up with your ex.

Having a relationship that’s more based around sex is not necessarily a bad thing if it works for your circumstances, if my husband and I ever split I would not be in a hurry to settle down with another man, I’d be happy to find someone to have adult company with but separate from my home, kids, etc.

I keep thinking if only he’d see or hear me we’d be ok, he hears it but can’t make the changes and says he doesn’t understand why not. I think because it’s asking too much of himself to truly change how he shows up in relationships

Or perhaps he just likes the sex and literally can't be bothered to form an emotional relationship. There's no need, from his point of view. I get the feeling he's only interested in the sex.

It sounds like he's very superficial.

I'd end this @Peppermintpatpat because you won't get what you need and deserve from him.

Oh definitely move on op. In my experience all this did for me was waste my time. It will get in the way of your next even more amazing sex. For me I realised that amazing sex came from connection someone who truly sees you, gets you, can anticipate your needs,read your body and you feel comfortable to communicate with.

The ex sex never felt fulfilling it got boring remarkably quickly and just got in the way of meeting anyone new. Enough of us have done it that cab report back to you it was rubbish.so you don't have to op be free and go off on more exciting adventures than the already trodden path.

He is very up for all the trappings of a relationship except the accountability part, he is publicly and privately very ‘into’ me and heartbroken whenever we fallout, it’s weird but definitely dismissive avoidant personality type so very skilled at push me/ pull you behaviour and confusing conflicting messages, incredibly loving, kind, thoughtful and generous and then it’s like I don’t exist anymore and it’s usually when I ask to be considered for something where he doesn’t want to consider anyone else except whoever’s in his radar at that time.
i have witnessed it with his kids too, how he acts like an amazing parent but only as long as he’s getting something from it and nothing else is distracting him.
it’s only very recently it’s all starting to become clear to me

Thank you, I appreciate it , those are all the reasons sex was so good between us but I think the longer we are together and I see his behaviours won’t change I think I have lost hope and the communication between us is no longer as harmonious as the times when I was patient and believed things could change .
now I see they won’t because they mean he has to make compromises and he just won’t