Where do they get the audacity!?

[Zucker]

There's a group of threads on here recently and my God the audacity of these men treating their partners like this. What's going on? I know we only read on here the awful men and people tend not to post when times are good but I can't get over the general lack of respect.

1.Husband wanted a break, slept with coworker, now wants to fix things...

2.Holiday ruined, husband ill and being a bit of a prat

3.DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

4.Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

5.Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

Women can be guilty of acting like idiots too, they can be abusive and behave terribly (I have been on the receiving end)

Despite me being emotionally available and open to talk about things, I just dont have the balls or confidence to be more vocal about how I was treated, so she slags me off to mutual friends and I say very little. Otherwise it just looks like me being an arse! So making a generalisation, I would say men just accept and put up with it all and say little.

It's not on the women to educate these oafs. We need to bring back shunning and cast these idiots into the wilderness with each other.

Because they can, and do, get away with it.

My cousin, mid 40s, is an incredibly shit human being. Lies, cheats, moves in with partners and then loses their job, becoming your classic cocklodger. Probably about 80% of the examples of bad behaviour I see on this board, I can imagine my cousin doing it. Except, plot twist, my cousin is a woman.

And as a result of that one small fact, she's gone through about 20-odd relationships in her adult life. Because when the men she goes out with, moves in with, cheats on, steals from etc., find out what a massive twat she is, they invariably dump her. However, she's now in her longest relationship to date, 3 whole years! Maybe my cousin has changed, maybe she's turned over a new leaf! Nope, she's still a twat. She's just in a relationship with a woman now. A woman who I know for a fact is incredibly unhappy, but won't take the obvious step to solve that.

Now I know it's not a good look, a man coming on here and saying "It's womens fault that men are shit". It's not, and thats not what I'm saying. I'm saying that women put up with too much shit, and they shouldn't, for their own sake. I'm saying women should be more selfish, should look at their relationships with an eye on whether that relationship is working for them, not whether that relationship is working for their partner, or their kids. I'm saying that single is better than in a relationship thats sending your mental health into the gutter.

LTB. It's a cliche for a reason.

Often women stay with crap men & try to make it work for the sake of the family they have created together.

What I find depressing is that for every man who cheats on a woman, deserts his kids, behaves like an arsehole over custody payments etc etc there is a woman willing to look past all of this and start a new relationship with them.

We are not saying their behaviour is women’s fault. We are saying there is no incentive for them to be any different as women put up with the shit behaviour

That is so interesting… and I agree. Men go into a relationship expecting it to improve their lives and if it doesn’t serve them they get rid of it… women need to be more selfish

Women are raised by women and men are raised my women. What do we teach our sons and daughters? My partner is a massive mummy’s boy, it’s annoying really.

This.

It takes two people to form a relationship. You can't take the piss out of someone who has a degree of self-respect, because they won't tolerate it and will simply walk away from you.

Yes, some people behave like shitebags, yet others sit and take it. Both need to change their behaviour.

I used the examples given in the OP.
A man having an affair leaves the woman two choices - she leaves and has the financial responsibility of bringing up DC on her own or largely on her own and/or the issues which stepfamilies bring or doesn’t see her DC half the time. Or she stays and she is ‘putting up with shit behaviour’. She didn’t cause either of these two choices, neither are great though. And you are surely not saying it’s a woman’s fault her husband has an affair? Yet she has to deal with the fall-out and be judged every which way.

Yes, women definitely get stuck in situations and accept crap for the sake of keeping the family together or for the sake of their kids.
I think the reasons for many men behaving the way they do goes much deeper and is mixed up in the general patriarchy of our society.
Male privilege definitely exists in so many aspects of life and many men don't even recognise they have it but it gives them a confidence and an entitlement that women just don't have.

i am definitely not saying it is the individual woman’s fault. And yes they are left dealing with the fall out of men’s awful behaviour.

but as the above poster says it’s about the behaviour of women as a sex. Rooted in socialisation and the patriarchy.We put up with shit behaviour… because we are brought up to, because society expects us to. if we didn’t they would be less likely to do it.

of course men shouldn’t do the shit behaviour. But equally we shouldn’t put up with it.

Women are often all to easy to drop on the power balance of a relationship financially. I was guilty of this and it was a major factor I stayed in a toxic relationship much longer than I should have. I certainly will be teaching my girls the importance of financial independence. Men know that they will cope absolutely ok because they can get another relationship and the women will take care of any children. In my case my ex never had trouble finding another women despite being toxic. They are often financially fine and never took a break job wise. Women tend to start from the beginning again and it’s bloody scary in you 40s, 50’etc.

We are praised for being the support staff and brainwashed into this role.

It’s depressing OP that so many appalling men out there and equally as many women women who tolerate such shocking behaviour.

Every single day on here there’s at least one new thread where the new bf is an abusive controlling cocklodger with more red flags than a communist party rally and every excuse under the sun listed to justify why he can’t be kicked to the gutter where he belongs ‘I love him, he can be so kind and caring, he’s good with my kids, I’d be lonely without him’ etc etc etc

A thread about men behaving terribly and not taking responsibility and it’s women’s fault??

No. No one has said women are responsible for men's shitty behaviour.

But they are responsible for the choices they make for their own lives.

There are countless threads on here where women ask in the early stages of dating if something is normal or whether they're being over sensitive or whatever. I'm with a crap man at various stages of a relationship makes up the majority of threads on MN Relationships board.

Not all men turn into abusers once their partner is pregnant, some men are just crap, lazy, unfaithful etc and are flying these flags from the start. But women still hang on in there hoping he'll change or believing they can 'train' him. Rather than dumping him.

I've even seen posters who recommend that Men are from Mars nonsense, essentially saying that reading it and assimilating it helped them learn to live with and tolerate a crap man who made their life miserable. Why?

No one is saying women made men be that way or that men don't make their own choices but, equally, no one is forcing women to date, marry, live or create families with them either. That is their/our choice.

Too many women overlook crap men's behaviour with an eye roll or a, "What can you do? Men, eh!" or a , "Bless him. He tries..." attitude.

And then women who haven't tolerated it are mocked and derided and reminded of the patriarchy and female socialisation.

Rather than finding out how and why those women made the change, broke away or didn't accept it in the first place, those women are disbelieved, accused of lying to themselves when they say they have a good partner and shot down, reminded it's impossible and everyone doubles down on the inevitability of it all.

As.much as many men aren't interested in being an equal partner, there are many women who have immersed themselves so deeply in a narrative which accepts this that they refuse to accept that not everyone's life looks like that.

Some of those threads you quote are definitely trolls. If the thread is completely over the top it's usually a troll. Troll topics tend to come in clusters which means if certain types of threads are getting replies and lots of attention trolls start their own version.

However, that said, some of them are genuine and it's very said. One of the issues is social pressure/conditioning that as a woman you have to be in a relationship or you are worthless/unsuccessful/sad/lonely. I felt like this for years. I didn't really want to be in a relationship, yet I kept looking for one because I felt I needed to prove that I could get someone, that I wasn't a "reject". Part of this stemmed from bullying when I was a teenager. I ended up with a couple of really shit men and it took a long time to recover.
After the last relationship ended I started to realize that I am much happier single, that I should have been single all along, that I don't want or need a relationship and that I was only doing it because that's what society expects and I'd often had nasty comments from women and men about "nobody wanting me".
I think this societal pressure makes women cling on to shit men or to start relationships with shit ones.

I feel like every time I'm reading a thread at the moment I'm asking at least one of the following questions:
Why do you think this man loves you when he treats you like he doesn't even like you?
Why do you think you love him, is it not just familiarity and a sense of guilt/responsibility about his wellbeing, and nostalgia about the fake face he put on when you first met?
Why do you think that he loves you, when he says he's not good with emotions and just gets angry or avoids topics?
Why do you think he loves you, when his response to you being caused discomfort/distress by a situation he has caused (example: waking you up every day with his multiple early work alarms) is 'not my problem'
Why do you think that you call him 'a good man' when it's obvious he's only good as long as he gets everything he wants and you don't challenge him in any way?
Are you actually attracted to this man who treats you like his mother/unpaid PA/household appliance/nanny? Why do you think that is when he has no respect for you?
Why do you think he shows absolute no anxiety over if you like him or if you are happy in the relationship unless you threaten to leave?

Well the women dont have to put up with and can use the word no, but obviously this will never happen

People can only treat us badly if we let them so dont do all this 'but I need them' or play the martyr card

There is a thread in AIBU at the moment where a poster asks.if we are lying to our daughters on this subject.

There are any posters who describe an egalitarian relationship and those women are literally being accused of lying and/or not seeing the truth.

God I was brought up.by the very epitome of internalised misogyny. When she said I needed to learn to cook, it wasn't so that I could live independently but because, one day, I'd have to cook for husband. She told me I wasn't pretty enough to be loved, so I had to make myself as small and insignificant as possible so a man would choose to settle for me. I was taught that, without a man, I'd be nothing. She even went into school to try and change my GCSE options to something more 'appropriate' because she didn't want me to go to university in case men were put off by me being intelligent, educated and having a career...

I received all the same messages as everyone else. But I still won't make excuses for a shit man being shit.

This is my ex

He used control,abuse and taking all my money/barefoot and pregnant to keep me in my place

I had to live up to his impossible rules or take a beating (he didn't have live up to the same rules and if I managed to 'hit'a rule,he'd just make it 'higher' so id never win)

Thing is,this was my normal-my mother is abusive-I grew up with it,so any red flags where my green

I stuck around for the kids until I couldn't anymore

He made my life hell before he finally fucked off and found a long string of new girlfriends

Didn't pay a penny,didn't see them,spat at ds in the street,followed dd while screaming abuse at her,spread lies about me and tried,on and off,to make it clear that I'm still his possession

Tried to come snivelling back when both inherited some money once they hit 18 but both told him to fuck off

Both his and my mother encouraged this crap as he could do no wrong in their eyes-all issues where my fault-his mother actually told me 'just take the black eye-its not that bad'

All girlfriends have been the same

He didn't pay-why should he?
They are my children

Didn't see them?
Why should he?I stopped him (I didn't,but this is the story he stuck to)

He cheated on me with a string of women (one he raped as she was 14 and got her pregnant)
I should have opened my legs more for him

Still thinks he owns me and I should still live my life to his rules (29 years on)
Yep,I'm the evil one for dating a few times over the years,I'm wrong for moving house and wrong for not giving him all the details of how the children where every day,even though if he'd stuck around,he would have known all this

He got sent to prison for dealing drugs
I pushed him into this by stopping him from seeing his kids and demanding he pay for them

I know he used to be on the apps with the line 'I have two kids but I don't see them so you don't have to worry about that' and women went along with it!

It's male entitlement and some women back it up

.

@Zone2NorthLondon · 03/06/2025 20:09

''Male privilege
upbringing
entitlement
pattern of being indulged by women eg mum, girlfriend ,wife
…All reinforcing sense of entitlement and fuckery''

Exactly!

I would add to this social media influencers like the vile Andrew Tate who reinforce the idea that men are superior and can do whatever they want.

And also the fact that women and girls are still conditioned by society to be 'nice' and to see having a partner as the ultimate goal/sign of success...

.

I know he used to be on the apps with the line 'I have two kids but I don't see them so you don't have to worry about that' and women went along with it!

JFC - are there really women out there so desperate for any random dick that this isn’t a red flag so huge and scarlet it can be seen from space

Except the shit men keep looking because they believe they should have a better appliance but this one will do until they can find an upgrade.

Although many women don’t put up with it. And now look, across many countries women’s rights over their bodies, in work, are being eroded, in an attempt to make sure enough women will have to go back to being dependent on a dreadful male so he has financial, and hence housing, sexual control.