MIL cannot help being rude to me!

[ThisAmberShark]

Hi,

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with a MIL who makes a point of commenting on my body every time that I see her?

It's bad enough that she buys me clothes and says 'oh this will be too big on you' about something that is actually too small.

I have asked her politely to stop commenting on my body and/or buying me clothes, even before I had my DD, and it's driving me round the bend!

I'm half tempted to be petty and buy her something 2 sizes too small for her next birthday, and see how she likes it!

I don't think my MIL started with a filter tbh

You could say oh I don’t like that it’s for older people, oh another one of your gifts going to charity what would they do without your gift, you don’t have to confrontational try sarcasm laugh at her she’s spending her money on items to humiliate you but she’s the loser here. Let your dh pick her gifts don’t get involved she’s being a bitch and she knows it she putting you down and enjoying it. There’s no love or respect from her. You don’t owe her anything.

If you are minded to retaliate, you could start regularly giving her a cheap wig made of synthetic hair for every birthday or Christmas. One that is superficially 'glamorous' - really long and blonde, or a mass of red curls in a shiny polymer. Then, when she opens it, say "I thought it would suit you! Isn't it stunning?", all wide-eyed and sweet.

I think change your reaction to what she's doing.

Just accept the clothes with a huge smile and "fantastic, thank you MIL!" and if she starts about the sizing, just say "oh let's not worry about that, who's for a cup of tea?"

Then later on, just chuck whatever it is into a charity bag and make dh drop it off.

You're probably giving her what she wants by engaging about it.

I'm with you - I must be 'childish' too! x

"It's bad enough that she buys me clothes and says 'oh this will be too big on you' about something that is actually too small."

That's an acting out of an eating disorder. Got a friend whose mother has anorexia. Her mother plays this game. Then the mother can go "ooh, but I can get into it, I'm much smaller than you."

My mum told me to wait a few moments so there is a silence and then say did you mean to be so rude or did you mean that to be upsetting. I wasn’t brave enough last time I saw my MIL but I think you should try it!

I would just pass it back every single time, "Oh MIL, youo're really bad at the sizing thing. Thanks anyway"

This is unacceptable. I would a copy of this tread with the backing of your Dh and wait for her reaction.

My MIL started this crap with me very early doors in my relationship with DH. Fortunately, because I don't like her, I also don't give a flying fuck what she thinks of me.

I liken spending time with her to stepping in dog shit.

Suggested responses you could use:

"Do you get some weird kick out of buying me hideous clothes that don't fit?"

"This will make a great new set of dusters."

"What was your relationship with your mother-in-law like? Was she a cunt too?"

So he has spoken to her and she still does it!...well that only leaves "do the same back to her" get her a book on facial massage and say "it's great for wrinkles hopefully its not too late". get her clothes that are too small and aids for seniors...like a waterproof seat protector.
And if she makes rude remarks laugh and say "im sure that came out ruder than was ment " Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing it upsets you, she is just a nasty peace of work, probably won't change so I'd just smile when she says these things. I had a MIL like that she's dead now so guess who got the last laugh? 🤣🤣🤣

’It’s rude to comment on people’s bodies unless they’ve asked for your opinion. Next time you do it, we will leave.’

and mean it.

I'm not very confrontational. I'd rather bitch under my breath and awkwardly ask my OH to ask his dad for the receipt. Currently relationship is tense enough without me biting back, as much as I want to!

There are two acceptable choices in this life with difficult people. Be assertive, or channel Elsa and let it go. Many people say they aren't 'confrontational' or whatever, and then use passive aggression. It's the worst choice and everyone hates it. Be passive if you want, but then you have to put up with it. Or be assertive.

FIL is the same. No filters, various diagnoses over the years that he uses as excuses. He was told early on that there would be no talking about anyone's bodies in my house. None. And I enforced it. I have to remind him every year or so but it's very rare. SIL has to put up with a constant litany of comments about everything he reckons.

I avoid my mil as she has commented on my appearance ( teeth not straight) and other things about me because I've had chronic health issues over the years. I avoid her as much as possible now. No love lost either because I've never been welcomed into their family bubble. It is what it unfortunately is with some ignorant people

Oh and my husband is obviously intimidated by them so he isn't any help except beimg in agreement that I avoid them as much as possible. They are not warm people at all.

Got in-law just like this, right down to the 'sensitive' bit - careful, when you bite back they get so, so offended
Going no contact worked and feels great

Calling someone 'sensitive' for stating how they feel is a classic narcissistic reaction.
It's because she doesn't want any accountability for her actions so blaming you is a way to deflect.
Your husband may be so manipulated by her that he can't recognise abusive behaviour and ignoring her meanness may have been a coping strategy.
Avoiding her is the only option.
Find ways of not visiting. Maybe develop migraines so you can go to bed early.
Just get away from her.

I'd go with the early onset dementia approach. Suggest she goes to the doctor and gets it checked out.

Then any time she makes a rude comment, ask her again. "MIL remember we talked about this, have you seen the GP yet? If you keep forgetting to make an appointment, maybe that's another sign of a problem"

I would just say 'lovely, thanks' every time she gives you something. Don't look at it, just leave it in the bag. She will soon get bored of no reaction from you.
If she comments on your food, weight or anything else, just say ' Do you mean to be rude?' every single time....no other comment.

She’s looking for attention and the more she annoys you the more attention she gets, so lean into it. When she buys you something just say, ‘Wow, Janine. That’s incredible. You have such a unique sense of style. I mean, look at your hair. I’m going to give this to my friend, Brenda. She’s just out of hospital and could do with cheering up’. It means she won’t get the dopamine hit she wants from the interaction and it’ll really piss her off.

I like the ‘did you mean to be so rude?’
And if she comes back and says your sensitive, I’d just reply with: ‘Maybe, or maybe you lack self awareness’.

When you say you don’t like confrontation, what you’re saying is that you don’t think yourself important enough to not to be defended when you are being disrespected.

Your MIL is a bully and the first rule about dealing with bullies, is never give them what they want. It sounds like there’s a family dynamic at play here if FIL and your H are in on this tiresome act. A polite, no thank you and then walk away is sufficient. Let H and FIL choose to deal with the fall out.

If this absurd behaviour is something you do not want to model for your children, then don’t. Take your power back and don’t play the game, If your H and FIL want to play, that’s up to them. Everyone has a part to play in a relationship dynamic, you can choose your role and at present, your choosing to be the browbeaten DIL, fuck that!

I think this is the best approach. Dont focus on the clothes, other than they are the vehicle of her problems.
Keep telling her she's agreed not to do these things, wether she has or not. She cant contradict you on this if you have told her before you dont want them without looking deliberately mean or stupid.
"Dont you remember You agreed not to buy me clothes any more, you are going to have to take these back. I dont want you to keep spending money on things I don't like or want."
"That better not be clothes? Is it? Yes! Aaaaaaand yes! In the wrong size again. Dont you remember you weren't going to do this anymore. ?""
No! We dont talk about body sizes and shapes in our house. You know that. We've talked about it before"
Always return calmly to "We agreed you would stop this."
And if any resistance is offered "Im sorry you dont remember but you did agree you would stop this" with maybe a " Surely you must remember, especially considering how upset I was last time thats when you said you wouldn't do it again "

Mine was like this. Would buy me size 6 one time, size 18 the next.
When I was younger I wasn’t overweight but she was annoyed that I didn’t constantly talk about being on a diet like her and my SIL. Every meal she would sit wringing her hands at the ‘gluttony’ and we’d all need to go on a diet tomorrow etc - it’s unpleasant not to be allowed just to eat your meal.

I chucked all the stuff she bought me. DH asked me about something she had bought me that was a size 6 and I explained to him I would have to actually cut my breasts off to fit into it and it was a child’s size.

My revenge is I was the one who organised visits and thought of nice things to buy her for birthdays. I just stopped. So we hardly went and she got rubbish gifts.

I no longer speak to my MIL (alcoholic) but when I did she always had a comment.

I got my hair cut one day and she was like "Did Stevie Wonder cut it?"
I was beyond fed up so I did snap at her and replied, "Bit rich for a woman who looks like she uses a Flymo strimmer to cut her hair."

She was so put out lol. Did I care? Nope. She stopped her comments the more I clapped back though.