MIL cannot help being rude to me!

[ThisAmberShark]

Hi,

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with a MIL who makes a point of commenting on my body every time that I see her?

It's bad enough that she buys me clothes and says 'oh this will be too big on you' about something that is actually too small.

I have asked her politely to stop commenting on my body and/or buying me clothes, even before I had my DD, and it's driving me round the bend!

I'm half tempted to be petty and buy her something 2 sizes too small for her next birthday, and see how she likes it!

Good point!

I read that comment and laughed tbh 😂

If you have Instagram look up Jefferson fisher. He’s got lots of good tips for dealing with various people.

Using phrases like “did you mean to say that outloud” is similar to the did you mean to be rude but without as much confrontation.

Or getting them to repeat what they said etc

You could also consider just losing your complete shit with her?
"FFS MIL, how many times do you have to be asked to stop doing this? It's rude and insulting"
or
"Mil / Fil, I am really concerned you may be developing dementia. I have repeatedly asked you to stop buying me clothes and either you are ignoring me which would just be insanely rude, or you are forgetting? Which is it? "

Yet you’re on here looking for advice, rather than having fun with it.

Yeah, cos there's one thing wanting to get my own back, and it's another actually doing it!

OP (holding up unattractive article of clothing gifted by MIL): Thank you, but it's not quite right for me just now, I don't think.

MIL (smugly): Well you could keep it to 'put away' for when you've lost weight.

OP (head tilt): It's not really my colour though. Perhaps you'd like to have it back to wear yourself, although... (studies it intently) it's too young a style for you.

MIL: 😮😐

Wanting to get your own back is not the correct course of action although understandable.

Why are you entertaining this woman at all given her behaviour towards you?. There is nothing funny about this at all is there.

If you were to buy her something too small she will turn on the tears and go running to her son giving him an earful as to how cruel you are. He may well take her side here as a result of you doing that so be careful. Maintain the high ground here and do not stoop to her level.

Such women like MIL cannot be at all trusted. I would also assume she’s never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions.

Your dh needs to stop letting her get away with saying you're too sensitive. He shouldn't let it drop, he should say no mum, you need to stop doing this. It's time for him to support his wife instead of tiptoeing round his spiteful mother.

If he doesn't, she'll start doing it to your kids when they're older.

I think joking/teasing about this can take the sting out of the nonsense

Stop seeing her, stop giving her your head space over this. She is awful so don't have this person around your child. Everything @AttilaTheMeerkat says basically.

To quote George Bernard Shaw, "Never wrestle with pigs. You'll both get dirty and the pig likes it."

It is soul destroying as a child to see your parent mocked, put down or made fun of without their spouse/partner stopping their parent doing it. Ask me how I know. If this was any other person you would not allow your child to be near them.

I'd say 'Goodness! That's rude!' with a raised eyebrow every single time she did it.

If she asks why say, 'Weren't you brought up to know personal comments are rude? Goodness!'

I'd feign surprise at her lack of manners/poor upbringing til I drove the point home.

You need to be very careful around your husband and children...but I would whisper in her ear...well I could change my body...lost weight etc...but unfortunately you would need LOT'S of plastic surgery to fix your ugly face....😅 that should stop her....you have to be tougher!!!!

Take them, say thank you and give to charity. Or give them back and say they're too small.

Don't be shamed into playing her games.

If/when she asks if you've kept them for your DD, say no as they were too small for you and DD has better taste.

I'm a 14 and was bought a size 10, I proudly said it would even fit my boobs and gave it back. She was too shocked to say anything and hasn't bought me clothes since.

Play the game ‘wow Thankyou’, huge smile, twinkle in your eye, carry on with what you are doing and say no more. Kills it completely. Then donate to charity shop.

I’d keep saying ‘I’m sorry. This just isn’t my style. Would you like to return it or shall I charity shop it?’ Every time she buys anyone clothes.

If she comments on weight I would say as pp ‘did you mean to be so rude’ every single time

I think that in my parents / MIL era weight was seen as a thing to discuss constantly!

My MIL always has and always will comment on my weight, that of her son, and of her grandchildren.

She has for the last year openly called us ‘the skinny family’ in front of my SIL which really makes me feel uncomfortable, especially as my eldest daughter is a teenager and when she started doing it I definitely wasn’t slim. I wondered if it was more to upset my SIL? In the past she has told me and my husband that we looked like we needed to try a fat free diet, told us to exercise more, talked about ‘struggling to loose the baby weight’ etc…..

I think it’s an older woman’s social status thing perhaps…. but after almost 29 years of it I tend to ignore it now!

If this is the only thing that gets you down when interacting with her then perhaps leave her be and ignore.

Of you perhaps want to seek an end to this then every time she does bring up your weight, ask her which supplements she is taking to ward off Alzheimer’s and osteoporosis as it’s an issue with women of her age!

If she is tapping into one of your insecurities, then perhaps try tapping into one of hers!

Keep at it every time she mentions anything weight related, and perhaps buy her some supplements as a present for Birthdays etc…. and she may well change her ways!

The clothes are probably from charity shops in the first place. Who can afford to buy new clothes, however hideous, just to upset someone. Hideous clothing can be just as expensive as nice clothing in the right size.
I probably wouldn't do it but I do like to imagine changing the label on something she would like, for her size but the item. Of clothing is several sizes too small. From a charity shop obviously

I would re-gift the clothes back to her for the next gifting time, irrespective of size. If she says anything I would say something like "Oh, I thought that you would like it. Shall we both stop doing clothes for each other if this isn't quite right?"

That.

she will NOT find it funny

Thank you to everyone for their suggestions on the matter!

It pisses me off so much because she first pulled this crap early in my relationship with her son and it went down then like a ton of bricks, and she has persevered for years.

She's not old enough that the alzheimers remarks would cut, and I'm not very confrontational. I'd rather bitch under my breath and awkwardly ask my OH to ask his dad for the receipt. Currently relationship is tense enough without me biting back, as much as I want to!

Very relieved to read that people agree with me that it's unacceptable behaviour. Doesn't matter how small or large someone is, don't comment on their body unless directly asked, especially when the person is a mum who is struggling with their very different postpartum body!

Ive experienced this from a step mother who found out what I was food intolerant to (asked me) then bought those ingredients to cook with on a family holiday. Fortunately I had the meds with me so I managed to cope with it. She of course claimed it was an accident. But far too many 'accidents' happened. Some people are just petty and personal rude and I honestly think that they do gain some sick pleasure from it. It is like a mind game to them which they enjoy. So you have a few options:

1. Ask your hub to deal with it (but this route could cause more issues eg if he is placated by MIL or doesnt see the extent of the issue). If she is deriving pleasure from goading you this could please her - the thought she may be causing tension between you both and she may take the opportunity to stir the pot
2. Call her out on the behaviour each time in a polite but firm way and even send her an email or text asking her to stop. Keep it short. Stay consistent in the response. But if she is deriving pleasure from doing it this will also give her pleasure that she got to you. However if you keep your response consistent and short and repeat each time she acts up she will get bored of it and no longer derive pleasure from it. So this is a good potential option. She may try a different tactic to keep things interesting for her so be ready for that and block with a similar short consistent block
3. Also join in with the game if you want to and you could also have some fun with it but you need to go further and try and put her off her strategy. Buy her ridiculously large hideous dresses from the charity shop, either gift wrap or find the dirtiest grubbiest bag possible to present it to her in, and present it as if its a marvel and would look great on her- get her to try it on even, then say it looks a little tight. Embarrass her. Make it so OTT and awkward that she stops doing it. The downsides are that it involves some effort (but could pay off), that you would be acting out of character and may not feel comfortable and hopefully it will work, but would it encourage her to up the stakes in the game ??!!

Best of luck - love to hear what you do :)

There are several ways to skin a cat (sorry horrible expression!).

“Thank you that’s so thoughtful of you,” gush gush gush.

Then straight down to the charity shop it goes.

The nasty woman is only doing it to make you unhappy and unsettled, and she deserves to find out (one day) where her money is really going 😁.

Absolutely this. I think with DMIL this was one if the first signs. She started losing her filter when it came to commenting on weight.